Earlier this week, a Microsoft security guard caught two non-Microsoft employees playing volleyball on our campus volleyball court and asked them to leave the premises.
When asked by a fellow employee how he knew that the two were not Microsoft employees, the guard replied: “They had tans.”
Four life-long friends, a doctor, lawyer, professor and a businessman, belonging to the same exclusive club had made a pact. When anyone of them dies, they agreed the others will lay $5,000 each inside his coffin so he’ll have some spending money in the after life.
Well, one day the professor passes away. At his funeral, the three friends took turns going up to his coffin and paying their last respects.
The doctor was first, laying 50 $100 bills inside the casket. Next was the businessman, tearfully placing his $5,000 cash next to the deceased friend.
Then the lawyer approached the coffin, wrote out a cheque for $15,000, laid it in the casket and picked up the $10,000 in cash!
Before you judge someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you judge them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
As Mr. Smith was on his death bed, he attempted to formulate a plan that would allow him to take at least some of his considerable wealth with him. He called for the three men he trusted most, his lawyer, his doctor, and his clergyman.
Mr. Smith told them, “I’m going to give you each $30,000 in cash before I die. At my funeral, I want you each to place the money in my coffin so that try to take it with me.” All three agreed to do this and were given the money.
At the funeral, each approached the coffin in turn and placed an envelope inside. While riding in the limousine back from the cemetery, the clergyman said, “I have to confess something to you fellows. Brother Smith was a good churchman all his life, and I know he would have wanted me to do this. The church needed a new baptistery very badly, and I took $10,000 of the month he gave me and bought one. I only put $20,000 in the coffin.”
The doctor then said, “Well, since we’re confiding in one another, I might as well tell you that I didn’t put the full $30,000 in the coffin either. Smith had a disease that could have been diagnosed sooner if I had this very new machine, but the machine cost $20,000 and I couldn’t afford it then. I used $20,000 of the money he gave to buy the machine so that I might be able to save another patient. I know that Smith would have wanted me to do that.”
The lawyer then said, “I;m ashamed of both of you. When I put my envelope into that coffin, it held my personal cheque for the full $30,000.”
A man is in Court. The Judge says, “On the 3rd August, you are accused of killing your wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how do you plead?” The man in the dock replied, “Guilty”.
At this time of the point, a man at the back of the court stood up and shouted, “You dirty rat!”. The Judge asked the man to sit down and to refrain from making any noise.
The Judge continued, “on 17th September, you are accused of killing your son by beating him to death with a hammer, how do you plead?” The man in the dock replied, “Guilty”.
Again, the same man at the back of the court stood up and shouted even louder, “You dirty rotten stinking rat!” At this point the Judge called the man to the bench and said, “I have already asked you to be quiet, if you continus with these outbursts, I will have to charge you with contempt of court. I can understand your feelings, but what relationship have you to this man?” He replied, “He is my next door neighbour.” The Judge replied, “I can understand your feelings then, but you must refrain from any comments.”
The man replied, “NO, your honor, you don’t understand. Twice I have asked if I could borrow a hammer, and BOTH times, he said he didn’t have one!”
A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, “What are the grounds for your divorce?” She replied, “About four acres and a nice home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.”
“No,” he said, “I mean what is the foundation of this case?” “It is made of concrete, brick and motar,” she responded. “I mean,” he continued, “What are your relations like?” “I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband’s parents.” She replied.
He said, “Do you have a real grudge?” “No,” she replied, “We have a two-car carport and never really need one.” “Please,” he tried again, “is there any infidelity in your marriage?” “Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don’t necessarily like the music, but the answer to your question is yes.”
“Ma’am, does your husband ever beat you?” “Yes,” she responded, “about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do.” Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, “Lady, why do you want a divorce?”
“Oh, I don’t want a divorce,” she replied. “I’ve never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can’t communicate with me!”
