John and Mary visit their doctor for marriage counseling. The doctor gets up and hugs Mary, and sit down. He gets up again, and hugs Mary a second time, then a third time.
He then turns to John and says, “See that, John. Mary needs that everyday!”
John Replies, “Well, that’s fine, Doctor. But I can’t bring her over here on Tuesday and Friday as I’m playing golf on these days.”
We got off the Titanic first.
We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we crash our computers.
Our boy friend’s clothes make us look elfin and gorgeous – guys look like complete idiots in ours.
We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
We can cry and get off speeding fines.
We’ve never lusted after a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.
Taxis stop for us.
Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.
We don’t look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
Free drinks. Free dinners. Free movies (you get the picture).
We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we’re gay.
We can hug our friends without wondering if WE are gay.
We know The Truth about whether size matters.
New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.
If we have sex with someone and don’t call them the next day, we’re not the devil.
If we’re not making enough money we can blame the glass ceiling.
Nothing crucial can be cut off with one clean sweep (Ouch)
It’s possible to live our whole lives without taking a group shower.
No fashion faux pas we make could rival The Speedo.
We don’t have to fart to amuse ourselves.
If we cheat on our spouse, people assume it’s because we’re being emotionally neglected.
If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her butt.
If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.
We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
If we’re dumb, some people will still find it cute.
We don’t have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to socially fit in.
We have the ability to dress ourselves – and coordinate.
We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked. (Weeeeeelllll…..that depends!)
Our friends won’t think we’re weird if we ask whether there’s spinach in our teeth.
There are times when chocolate really can solve your problems.
Gay waiters don’t make us uncomfortable.
We’ll never regret piercing our ears.
We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark.
When we buy a vibrator it is glamorous. When men buy a blow up doll it’s pathetic.
We’ll never discover we’ve been dumped by a Wonderbra.
If we marry someone 20 years younger, we’re aware that we look like an idiot.
A man was walking across the road when he met the accident. The impact was on his head which caused him to be comatosed for two days before he finally regained consciousness.
When he opens his eyes, his wife was there beside him. He held her hands and said meaningfully : “You have always been beside me. When I was a struggling university student, I failed again and again. And sometimes, even my re-papers as well. You were always there beside me, encouraging me to go on trying..”
She squeezed his hands as he continued :”When I went for all the major interviews and failed to clinch any of the jobs, you were there beside me, cutting out more adverts for me to apply…” He continued “Then I started work at this little firm and finally got to handle a big contract. I blew it because of one little mistake. And you were there beside me.”
Then I finally got another job after being laid off for sometime. But I never seem to be promoted and my hard work was not recognised. As such, I remained in the same position from the day I join the company till now… And you were there beside me”
Her eyes brimmed with tears as she listened to her husband :”And now I met an accident and when I woke up, you are here beside me….
….There’s something I’ll really like to say to you…” She flung herself on the bed to hug her husband, and sobbing with emotion.
He said…, ” I think you really bring me bad luck..”
When you are dating….. Farting is never an issue
When you are married ….You make sure there’s nothing flammable near your husband…… at all time
When you are dating….. He takes you out to have a good time
When you are married ….He brings home a 6 pack, and ask “What are you going to drink?”
When you are dating….. He holds your hand in public
When you are married ….He flicks your ear in public
When you are dating….. A Single bed for 2 isn’t THAT bad
When you are married ….A King size bed feels like an army cot
When you are dating….. You are turned on at the sight of him naked
When you are married ….You think to yourself….”Was he ALWAYS this hairy????”
When you are dating….. You enjoyed foreplay
When you are married ….You tell him “If we have sex, will you leave me alone???”
When you are dating….. He hugs you, when he walks by you …for no reason
When you are married ….He grabs your boob any chance he gets
When you are dating….. You picture the two of you together, growing old together
When you are married ….You wonder who will die first
When you are dating….. Just looking at him makes you feel all “mushy”
When you are married ….When you look at him, you want to claw his eyes out.
When you are dating….. He knows what the “hamper” is
When you are married ….The floor will suffice as a dirty clothes storage area
When you are dating….. He understands if you “aren’t in the mood”
When you are married ….He says “It’s your job.”
When you are dating….. He understands that you have “male” friends
When you are married ….He thinks they are all out to steal you away
When you are dating….. He likes to “discuss” things
When you are married ….He develops a “blank” stare
When you are dating….. He calls you by name
When you are married ….He calls you “Hey” and refers to you when speaking to others as “She.
Women
Women have strengths that amaze men. They carry children, they carry hardships, they carry burdens, but they hold happiness, love and joy. They smile when they want to scream.
They sing when they want to cry. They cry when they are happy and laugh when they are nervous.
Women wait by the phone for a “safe at home call” from a friend after a snowy drive home.
They are child care workers, executives, attorneys, stay-at-home moms, biker babes, and your neighbors. They wear suits, jeans and they wear uniforms. They fight for what they believe in. They stand up for injustice.
They walk and talk the extra mile to get their children in the right schools and for getting their family the right health care. They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.
Women are honest, loyal, and forgiving. They are smart, knowing that knowledge is power. But they still know how to use their softer side to make a point. Women want to be the best for their family, their friends and themselves. Their hearts break when a friend dies.
They have sorrow at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left. A woman can make a romantic evening unforgettable.
Women come in all sizes, in all colors and shapes. They live in homes, apartments and cabins. They drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you.
The heart of a woman is what makes the world spin! Women do more than just give birth. They bring joy and hope. They give compassion and ideals. They give moral support to their family and friends. And all they want back is a hug, a smile and for you to do the same to people you come in contact with.
MEN
Men are good at lifting heavy stuff.
