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Heaven

Nice Touch

Jun 6, 2021

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At The Pearly Gates to Heaven. St Peter is receptionist at the entrance.

A cat shows up. St Peter says “I know you! You were a very nice cat on earth and didn’t cause any trouble, so I want to offer a gift to you of one special thing you have always wanted.”

Cat: “Well, I did always long to own a nice satin pillow like my master had, so I could lie on it.”

St Peter: “That’s easy. Granted. You shall have the satin pillow after you enter in.”

Next a group of mice appeared.

St Peter: “Ah, I remember you. You were such good mice on earth. You didn’t steal food from anyone’s house and never hurt other animals. Therefore, I want to grant you one special wish you always wanted.”

The Chief Mouse replied, “Well, we always watched the children playing and saw them roller skate, and it was beautiful, and it looked like so much fun. So can we each have some roller skates,
please?” St Peter: “Granted. You shall have your wish.”

Next day, St Peter is making the rounds inside the Gates, and sees the cat. “Well, Cat…Did you enjoy the satin pillow?”

Cat: “Oh, indeed I did. And say…that “Meals on Wheels” thing was a nice touch, too!”

Too Excited to Date

Jun 6, 2021

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Suzie had a crush on Mikey since she was 15 years old. Mikey never paid Suzie any attention. Every year Suzie would try to get Mikey to notice her, but he just wasn’t interested.

Finally, when Suzie turned 18, she began to come of age, and sure enough, Mikey noticed. Suzie looked so pretty and grown-up that Mikey asked her for a date for a Friday night!!

She was so excited all that week, she could hardly wait for Friday.

Finally, Friday came.

As soon as she got home from school, Suzie began getting ready for her date at 7. She spent four hours on her clothes, hair and make-up, wanting everything to be perfect for the night she had waited years for.

Finally, 7 O’Clock came around. Looking out the window, she saw Mikey pull up in his shiny black car. She became so nervous and excited, that she opened the door before he even got to it. “Hi Mikey!” she said, nervous as hell, and Mikey replied, “Suzie you look beautiful!!”

Suzie was so pleased when she walked out the door – then IT hit her.

Suzie realized in horror that she had to FART!! Oh my God she thought, walking along, what am I going to do??

Being a quick thinker, Suzie got an idea: She would let him open her door for her, hurry in, fart, roll down the window real quick, and by the time he came around and got in, all would be O.K.

So they get to the car, Mikey opens the door, and Suzie gets in. He closes the door, then she really rips one! She rolls down the window, and sees that he’s just getting around to his door. Relaxing a little now, Suzie smiles at Mikey as he gets in the Car.

Then Mikey turns to her, points to the back seat, and says, “Suzie, I’d like you to meet my brother Carl and his date”.

Mongolian VD

Jun 6, 2021

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An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While in China, he is very sexually promiscuous and does not take any precautions. A week after arriving back home he awakens one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see his doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results. The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, “I’ve got bad news for you.

You’ve contracted Mongolian VD. It’s very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it.”

The man looks a little relieved and says, “Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up doc.”

The doctor answers, “I’m sorry, there’s no known cure other than to amputate your penis.”

The man screams in horror, “Oh no! I want a second opinion!”

The doctor replies, “Well it’s your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice.”

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he’ll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, “Ah yes, Mongolian VD. Very rare disease.”

The guy says to the doctor, “Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can you do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!”

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs, “Stupid American doctor! American doctor, always want to operate. Make more money, that way.”

“Then there’s no need to operate? Oh, thank God!” the man replies.

“Yes!” says the Chinese doctor, “You no worry! Wait two weeks, it fall off by itself!”

What’s in the Bag?

Jun 6, 2021

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One day Adam and Eve looked up and saw God standing there holding a bag.

“Hi, God. What’s in the bag?” asked Eve.

“These are a couple of things that I have left over from creation.”God rummages around in the bag a moment. “Who wants to be able to pee standing up?”

Adam immediately puts his hand up in the air, waving frantically. “Me! Me! Me! Oh, oh, PLEASE, God, let me have it! Just think of how much more work I could get done in the fields if I could pee standing up! And it would help SO MUCH when I’m out hunting! Oh, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE let me have it!”

“Well, OK, here. Now, let’s see what else we have.” God rummages about a bit more in the bag. “Ah, right. Multiple orgasms.”

The Human Race

Jun 6, 2021

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A little girl asked her mother, “How did the human race appear?”

The mother answered, “God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so was all mankind made..”

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.. The father answered, “Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.”

The confused girl returned to her mother and said, “Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?”

The mother answered, “Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his.”

Footless Parrot

Jun 6, 2021

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A guy is having marital problems. He and the wife are not communicating at all and he’s lonesome so he goes to a pet store thinking a pet might help.

The store he happened to walk into specialized in parrots. As he wanders down the rows of parrots he notices one with no feet.

Surprised he mutters “I wonder how he hangs onto the perch?” The parrot says “With my prick, you dummy.”

The guy is startled and says “You certainly talk well for a parrot.” The parrot says “Of course, I’m a very well educated parrot. I can discuss politics, sports, religion, most any subject you wish.”

The guy says “Gee, you sound like just what I was looking for.” The parrot says “There’s not much of a market for maimed parrots. If you offer the proprietor $20 for me I’ll bet he’ll sell me.”

The guy buys the parrot and for three months things go great. When he comes home from work the parrot tells him Clinton said this, the A’s won, the Giant’s lost, the pope did so and so.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot waves a wing at him and says “Come in and shut the door.” The guy says “What’s up?” The parrot says “I don’t know how to tell you this, but the mailman came today. Your wife answered the door in her negligee and he kissed her right on the lips.”

The guy says “Oh, A momentary flight of passion.” The parrot says “Then he fondled her breasts.” The guy says “He did??!” The parrot says “Then he pulled her negligee down and started sucking on her breasts.” The guy says “My God, what happened next???!!!”

The parrot says “I don’t know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch.”