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5 Stages of Drinking

Jun 6, 2021

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The Five Stages Of Drunkenness

Stage 1 – Clever – This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known universe. You know you know everything and you want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always right. And, of course, the person you are talking to is very wrong. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are CLEVER.

Stage 2 – Attractive – This is when you realize that you are the most ATTRACTIVE person in the entire bar and that everyone fancies you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing that they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still CLEVER, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.

Stage 3 – Rich – This is when you suddenly become the RICHEST person in the room. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have a bottomless wallet. You can also make bets at this stage because of course you are still CLEVER so, naturally, you will always win. Anyway, it doesn’t matter how much you bet because you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, in the knowledge that you are clearly the most ATTRACTIVE person present.

Stage 4 – Invincible – You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone, especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because you are now INVINCIBLE. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge them to a battle of wits or strength. You have no fear of losing this battle, because as well as being INVINCIBLE you are CLEVER, you’re RICH and you’re more ATTRACTIVE than them anyway.

Stage 5 – Invisible This is the final stage of drunkenness. At this point you can do anything, because you are now INVISIBLE. You can dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You can also snob the face off them for the same reason. You are also INVISIBLE to the people who want to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you’re still CLEVER you know all the words.

THE FIVE STAGES OF SOBERING Up

Stage 1 – Stupid – As you regain consciousness and begin to enjoy the headache, the churning stomach and the cold sweats, you realize that you have lost not only several hours of your life, but also the ability to concentrate on anything at all. You are now STUPID and will remain so for a minimum of 12 hours.

Stage 2 – Ugly – Never entirely happy with the effects of the bathroom mirror, the first thing you are horrified to discover is that you have now become even UGLIER than you previously thought possible. Not only have you got bloodshot eyes and a glorious collection of spots but you are shaking so much that your grandfather probably looks healthier. Unfortunately you are still too STUPID to know better than to try to shave while still shaking.

Stage 3 – Poor – Having crawled out of bed and got dressed, you are about to shamble out the door when you discover that the money that was to last you the week is now missing from your wallet. Being STUPID, you have no idea what happened to it but the traces of pizza on your clothes allow the possibility that you might have treated everyone to a take out at some point. Alternatively your pocket could have been picked or you might have given the taxi driver a fifty dollar note by mistake. Rationalising that you couldn’t possibly have been that STUPID and that you would remember being robbed, you come to believe that you were the only one who bought any food or drinks all night and start to loathe all your friends.

Stage 4 – Fragile – As you are now STUPID, UGLY and POOR, your consequently FRAGILE self-esteem plummets. Your already FRAGILE physical condition ensures that you feel liable to shatter if anyone even speaks to you.

Stage 5 – Conspicuous – This is the final stage of sobering up. Unfortunately, everyone can spot this CONSPICUOUS condition and its cause from a great distance. Even worse, they know that they can complete your misery by making fun of you, and that you are too STUPID to retaliate, too FRAGILE to hit them, too POOR to bribe them and too UGLY to hide.

What You Did Today?

Jun 6, 2021

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One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house.

His three children were outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard. The door of his wife’s car was open, as was the front door to the house.

Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she may be ill, or that something serious had happened.

He found her lounging in the bedroom, still curled in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.

He looked at her bewildered and asked, “What happened here today?”

She again smiled and answered, “You know every day when you come home from work and ask me what in the world I did today?”

“Yes” was his incredulous reply.

She answered, “Well, today I didn’t do it.”

Candle Light Dinner

Jun 6, 2021

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David was not a very romantic person, and furthermore, he does not have much experience in candle light dinner with any girls. But he wanted to impress the girl he like, so he date her out to a candle light dinner.

During the dinner, he watches other couples around them, trying to follow their leads to sweet talk to the girl. He observed the couple next to him. The man lifted a sugar shaker towards his girl-friends cup and said, “Sugar, sugar?”. David thought this was a great and continued to listen to other couples around the restaurant.

Another table sits another couple and the man spooned out some honey out to a bowl for his girl-friend and asked, “honey, honey?”. Again David thought this was good idea.

Finally, David’s table food were served. He cuts off a piece of his pork chop, stared longingly into the girl’s eye and said, “Ham, Pig?”

Pick Up Lines

Jun 6, 2021

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1. I wish you were a door so I could bang you all day long.

2. (Lick finger and wipe on her shirt) Let’s get you out of these wet clothes.

3. Nice legs…what time do they open?

4. Do you work for UPS? I thought I saw you checking out my package

5. You’ve got 206 bones in your body, want one more?

6. Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?

7. I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I’m the only one talking to you.

8. I’m a bird watcher and I’m looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher, have you seen one?

9. I’m fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight.

10. Wanna play army? I’ll lay down and you can blow the hell outta me.

11. I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Walmart, so I could ride you all day long for a quarter.

12. Oh, I’m sorry, I thought that was a braille name tag.

13. I’d really like to see how you look when I’m naked.

14. Is that a ladder in your stockings or the stairway the heaven?

15. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.

16. Are those real?

17. You must be the limp doctor because I’ve got a stiffy.

18. You can feel the magic between us…No, lower!

19. I’d walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue.

20. Girl, if you were a porch I’d take out all the nails and screw ya.

21. If it’s true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning.

22. (Look down at your crotch) It’s not just going to suck itself.

23. You know, if I were you, I’d have sex with me.

24. You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any questions?

26. Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor.

27. My name is (name)…remember that, you’ll be screaming it later.

28. Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?

29. Hi, I’m Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.

30. My friend wants to know if YOU think I’M cute.

31. Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.

32. My name isn’t Elmo, but you can tickle me anytime you want to.

33. I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been drinking?

34. If you were the last woman and I was the last man on earth, I bet we could do it in public.

35. Wanna come over for some pizza and sex? No? What you don’t like pizza?

36. I may not be Dairy Queen but I’ll treat you right.

37. Baby, I’m an American Express lover…you shouldn’t go home without me.

38. Do you sleep on your stomach at night? Can I???

39. Do you wash your pants in Windex because I can see myself in them.

40. I lost my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.

41. Let me check the tag on your shirt, I want to see if it says “Made in Heaven”

Single or Married?

Jun 6, 2021

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Questions concerning love and wisdom were posed to a group of children (ages 5 to 10). Their responses were amazingly astute and very enlightening, thus proving that all we need to know, we probably learned in kindergarten.

WHAT IS THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED?

“Eighty-four. Because at that age, you don’t have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom.” (Judy, 8)

“Once I’m done with kindergarten, I’m going to find me a wife.” (Tommy, 5)

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

“On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.” (Mike,10)

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

“You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, ’cause she’ll want to have videos of the wedding.” (Jim, 10)

“Never kiss in front of other people. It’s a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you. But if nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours.” (Kally, 9)

THE GREAT DEBATE: IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

“It’s better for girls to be single, but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them.” (Lynette, 9)

“It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I’m just a kid. I don’t need that kind of trouble.” (Kenny, 7)

CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PEOPLE:

“No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That’s why perfume and deodorant are so popular.” (Jan, 9)

“I think you’re supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn’t supposed to be so painful.” (Harlen, 8)

ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE:

“Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life.” (Roger, 9)

“If falling in love is anything like learning to spell, I don’t want to do it. It takes to long to learn.” (Leo, 7)

ON THE ROLE OF GOOD LOOKS IN LOVE AND ROMANCE:

“If you want to be loved by somebody who isn’t already in your family, it doesn’t hurt to be beautiful.” (Jeanne, 8)

“It isn’t always just how you look. Look at me. I’m handsome like anything and I haven’t got anybody to marry me yet.” (Gary, 7)

“Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a longtime.” (Christine,9)

CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS:

“They want to make sure their rings don’t fall off, because they paid good money for them.” (David, 8)

CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE:

“I’m in favor of love as long as it doesn’t happen when ‘The Simpsons’ are on TV.” (Anita, 6)

“Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I’ve been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me.” (Bobby, 8)

“I’m not rushing into being in love. I’m finding fourth grade hard enough.” (Regina, 10)

PERSONAL QUALITIES NECESSARY TO BE A GOOD LOVER:

“One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills.”(Ava, 8)

SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU:

“Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores.” (Del, 6)

“Don’t do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain’t the same thing as love.” (Alonzo, 9)

“One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it’s something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me.” (Bart, 9)

HOW CAN YOU TELL IF TWO ADULTS EATING DINER AT A RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE?

“Just see if the man picks up the check. That’s how you can tell if he’s in love.” (John, 9)

“Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold. Other people care more about the food,” (Brad, 8)

“It’s love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because it’s just like their hearts are on fire.” (Christine, 9)

WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY “I LOVE YOU”:

“The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him, but I hope he showers at least once a day.” (Michelle, 9)

HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS:

“You learn it right on the spot, when the gooshy feelings get the best of you.” (Doug, 7)

“It might help if you watched soap operas all day.” (Carin, 9)

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

“It’s never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you…that’s why I stopped doing it.” (Jean, 10)

HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE:

“Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work.” (Tom, 7)

“Don’t forget your wife’s name…that will mess up the love.” (Roger, 8)

“Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take the trash out.” (Randy, 8)

Special Dinner

Jun 6, 2021

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A very traditional elderly woman was enjoying a good game of bridge with her girlfriends one evening. “Oh, no! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband! He’s going to really ticked if it’s not ready on time!” she exclaimed suddenly.

When she got home, she realized that she didn’t have enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she had in the cupboard was a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opened the can of cat food, stirred in the egg, and garnished it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband pulled up.

She greeted her husband and then watched in horror as he sat down to his dinner. To her surprise, the husband really enjoyed his dinner. “Darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day.”

Needless to say, every bridge night from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish. She told her bridge cronies about it and they were all horrified.

“You’re going to kill him!” they exclaimed.

Two months later, her husband died.

The women were sitting around the table playing bridge when one of the cronies said, “You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your husband?”

The wife stoically replied, “I didn’t kill him. He fell off the mantel while he was cleaning himself.”