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Eggs

Special Dinner

Jun 6, 2021

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A very traditional elderly woman was enjoying a good game of bridge with her girlfriends one evening. “Oh, no! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband! He’s going to really ticked if it’s not ready on time!” she exclaimed suddenly.

When she got home, she realized that she didn’t have enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she had in the cupboard was a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opened the can of cat food, stirred in the egg, and garnished it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband pulled up.

She greeted her husband and then watched in horror as he sat down to his dinner. To her surprise, the husband really enjoyed his dinner. “Darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day.”

Needless to say, every bridge night from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish. She told her bridge cronies about it and they were all horrified.

“You’re going to kill him!” they exclaimed.

Two months later, her husband died.

The women were sitting around the table playing bridge when one of the cronies said, “You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your husband?”

The wife stoically replied, “I didn’t kill him. He fell off the mantel while he was cleaning himself.”

The Amazon Parrot

Jun 5, 2021

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When Uncle Charlie died of old age, Bill was bequeathed his uncle’s prized Amazon parrot. This parrot was fully grown — with a bad attitude and a worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren’t expletives were, to say the very least, extremely rude.

Bill tried hard to change the bird’s attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music–anything he could think of to try and set a good example… Nothing worked. Exasperated, he yelled at the bird. But the bird just got louder. Then he shook the parrot. But the bird just got more angry and more rude.

Finally, in a moment of desperation, Bill put the parrot in the freezer.

For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking, and screaming…

Then, suddenly, all was quiet. Bill was frightened that he might have hurt his dead uncle’s prized parrot and quickly opened the freezer door.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto Bill’s extended arm and said, “I am truly sorry that I might have offended you with my language and action and I humbly ask your forgiveness. I will now, from this day forth, endeavor to correct my behavior so that such an ill-perceived outburst never again occurs.”

Bill was completely astonished at the bird’s change in attitude and was about to ask what had caused such a dramatic change when the parrot continued, “May I ask what the chicken did?”

Problem of an Egg

Jun 5, 2021

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What are 3 problems about being an egg?

You only get laid once.
The only woman to sit on your face is your mother
It takes 4 minutes to get hard.

Deaf

Jun 5, 2021

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A man goes to his doctor, seat just infront of the doctor and says, “I think my wife’s hearing is failing and not as good as it used to be, what should I do?” The doctor replies, “Try this test to find out for sure. When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a questions, if she doesn’t respond, keep moving closer asking the same question until she hears you.”

The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner. He stand about fifteen feet behind her and says, “What’s for dinner, honey?” He gets no response, so he moves to ten feet behind her and asks again. Still no response, so he moves to five feet, still no answer.

Finally he stands directly behind her and says, “Honey, what’s for dinner?” His wife replies, “For the fourth time, I SAID CHICKEN, you deaf idiot!”

Big Chief Forget-me Not

Jun 5, 2021

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An Australian travel writer touring Canada was checking out of the Vancouver Hilton, and as he paid his bill said to the manager, “By the way, what’s with the Indian chief sitting in the lobby? He’s been there ever since I arrived.”

“Oh that’s ‘Big Chief Forget-me Not’,” said the manager. “The hotel is built on an Indian reservation, and part of the agreement is to allow the chief free use of the premises for the rest of his life. He is known as ‘Big Chief Forget-me Not’ because of his phenomenal memory. He is 92 and can remember the slightest details of his life.”

The travel writer took this in, and as he was waiting for his cab decided to put the chief’s memory to the test.

“G’dye, myte!” said the Aussie, receiving only a slight nod in return. “What did you have for breakfast on your 21st birthday?”

“Eggs,” was the chief’s instant reply, without even looking up, and indeed the Aussie was impressed.

He went off on his travel writing itinerary, right across to the east coast and back, telling others of Big Chief Forget-Me-Not’s great memory. (One local noted to him that ‘How’ was a more appropriate greeting for an Indian chief than ‘G’dye myte.’

On his return to the Vancouver Hilton six months later, he was surprised to see ‘Big Chief Forget-me Not’ still sitting in the lobby, fully occupied with whittling away on a stick.

“How,” said the Aussie.

“Scrambled,” said the Chief.

Wonder Pig

Jun 5, 2021

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A man was out for a walk one day and on his travels he wandered through a farm. Strangely, he saw a pig with a wooden leg! This intrigued him so much he found the farmer and quizzed him about it.

“This be no ordinary pig” said the farmer. “For example, only two days ago there was a fire in the chicken shed when I was away from the farm. The pig noticed this and immediately went and let all the chickens out into the yard. He then phoned for the fire brigade and came straight back to hold the fire until they arrived!”

“And a few weeks ago, I was driving my tractor down a steep hill, when I lost control and the vehicle overturned – knocking me unconscious! The pig saw this, phoned for the ambulance and then rushed to the tractor and pulled me clear of the cab just before it set on fire.”

The farmer was just about to launch into another tale when the man said “Yes yes, but what about the wooden leg?” “Well” said the farmer “when you’ve got an pig as good as that, you don’t eat it all at once!”