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Bilingual Job

Jun 6, 2021

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A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: “HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer.”

A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.

Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said, “I can’t hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type.”

The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, “The sign says you have to be good with a computer.”

The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program, that worked flawlessly the first time. By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said, “I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can’t give you the job.”

The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said, “Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual”. The dog looked at the manager calmly and said “Meow”.

Toothbrush Salesman

Jun 6, 2021

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The top toothbrush salesman at the company was asked by his boss how he managed to sell so many brushes.

He replied “it’s easy” and he pulled out his card table, setting his display of brushes on top. He told his boss, I lay the brushes out like this, and then I put out some potato chips and dip to draw in the customers. He laid out his chips and dip.

His boss said, “That’s a very innovative approach” and took one of the chips, dipped it, and stuck it in his mouth. “Yuck, this tastes terrible!” his boss yelled. The salesman replied “IT IS! Want to buy a toothbrush?”

Hacking Through the Jargon Jungle

Jun 6, 2021

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Hacking Through the Jargon Jungle Jokes Times

When I went to college in the 1980’s, I heard a lot of words like “data input” and “beta version.” They confused me. I wanted desperately to know what people were talking about, what Big Secret resided in the computer industry.

Now that I’ve worked in a computer company for the last few years, I’ve gained an insider’s perspective. I decided to share my knowledge with the uninitiated by creating the following brief, handy glossary:

Alpha. Software undergoes alpha testing as a first step in getting user feedback. Alpha is Latin for “doesn’t work.”

Beta. Software undergoes beta testing shortly before it’s released. Beta is Latin for “still doesn’t work.”

Computer. Instrument of torture. The first computer was invented by Roger “Duffy” Billingsly, a British scientist. In a plot to overthrow Adolf Hitler, Duffy disguised himself as a German ally and offered his invention as a gift to the surly dictator. The plot worked. On April 8, 1945, Adolf became so enraged at the “Incompatible File Format” error message that he shot himself. The war ended soon after Hitler’s death, and Duffy began working for IBM.

CPU. Central propulsion unit. The CPU is the computer’s engine. It consists of a hard drive, an interface card and a tiny spinning wheel that’s powered by a running rodent – a gerbil if the machine is a 286, a ferret if it’s a 386 and a ferret on speed if it’s a 486.

Default Directory. Black hole. Default directory is where all files that you need disappear to.

Error message. Terse, baffling remark used by programmers to place
blame on users for the program’s shortcomings.

File. A document that has been saved with an unidentifiable name. It helps to think of a file as something stored in a file cabinet – except when you try to remove the file, the cabinet gives you an electric shock and tells you the file format is unknown.

Hardware. Collective term for any computer-related object that can be kicked or battered.

Help. The feature that assists in generating more questions. When the help feature is used correctly, users are able to navigate through a series of Help screens and end up where they started from without learning anything.

Input/Output. Information is input from the keyboard as intelligible data and output to the printer as unrecognizable junk.

Interim Release. A programmer’s feeble attempt at repentance.

Memory. Of computer components, the most generous in terms of variety, and the skimpiest in terms of quantity.

Printer. A joke in poor taste. A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.

Programmers. Computer avengers. Once members of that group of high school nerds who wore tape on their glasses, played Dungeons and Dragons, and memorized Star Trek episodes; now millionaires who create “user-friendly” software to get revenge on whoever gave them noogies.

Reference Manual. Object that raises the monitor to eye level. Also used to compensate for that short table leg.

Scheduled Release Date. A carefully calculated date determined by estimating the actual shipping date and subtracting six months from it.

User-Friendly. Of or pertaining to any feature, device or concept that makes perfect sense to a programmer.

Users. Collective term for those who stare vacantly at a monitor.

Users are divided into three types: novice, intermediate and expert.
– Novice Users. People who are afraid that simply pressing a key might break their computer.
– Intermediate Users. People who don’t know how to fix their computer after they’ve just pressed a key that broke it.
– Expert Users. People who break other people’s computers.

Soliciting Business

Jun 6, 2021

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George and Harriet decided to celebrate their 25th Wedding Anniversary with a trip to Las Vegas. When they entered the hotel-casino and registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt became very friendly. George brushed her off.

Harriet objected, “George, that young woman was nice, and you were so rude.”

“Harriet, she’s a prostitute.”

“I don’t believe you. That sweet young thing?”

“Let’s go up to our room and I’ll prove it.”

In their room, George called down to the desk and asked for ‘Bambi’ to come to room 1217. “Now,” he said, “you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough to hear us, OK?”

Soon, there was a knock on the door. George opened it and Bambi walked in, swirling her hips provocatively.

George asked, “How much do you charge?”

“$125 basic rate, $100 tips for special services.”

Even George was taken aback. “$125! I was thinking more in the range of $25.”

Bambi laughed derisively. “You must really be a hick if you think you can buy sex for that price.”

“Well,” said George, “I guess we can’t do business. Goodbye.”

After she left, Harriet came out of the bathroom. She said, “I just can’t believe it!”

George said, “Let’s forget it. We’ll go have a drink, then eat dinner.”

At the bar, as they sipped their cocktails, Bambi came up behind George, pointed slyly at Harriet, and said, “See what you get for $25?”

Custer’s Last Thoughts

Jun 6, 2021

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An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall, so he called an artist.

Describing what he wanted, the billionaire said, “I am a history buff, and I would like your interpretation of the last thing that went through Custer’s mind before he died. I am going out of town on business for a week, and when I return, I expect to see it completed.”

Upon his return, the billionaire went to the library to examine the finished work. To his surprise, he found a painting of a cow with a halo. Surrounding this were hundreds of Indians in various sexual positions.

Furious, he called the artist in. “What the hell is this?” screamed the billionaire.

“Why, that’s exactly what you asked for,” said the artist smugly.

“No! I didn’t ask for a mural of pornographic filth. I asked for an interpretation of Custer’s last thoughts!”

“And there you have it,” said the artist. “I call it, ‘Holy cow, look at all those fucking Indians.'”

Abbot and Costello: Computer Shopping

Jun 6, 2021

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Abbot and Costello - Computer Shopping Jokes Times

ABBOT: Ultimate Super Duper Computer Store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I’m setting up a home office in the den, and I’m thinking of buying a computer.

ABBOT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name is Bud.

ABBOT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don’t own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name is Bud.

ABBOT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Does it get stuffy?

ABBOT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don’t know. What do I see when I look out the windows?

ABBOT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOT: Software that runs on Windows?
COSTELLO: No, on the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses. You know, run a business. What have you got?

ABBOT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOT: Recommended something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOT: Yes.
COSTELLO: Okay, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office.

ABBOT: Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office and it already has windows! Let’s say I’m sitting at my computer, and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOT: Word.
COSTELLO: If I’m writing a proposal, I’m going to need lots of words. But what program do I load?

ABBOT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOT: The Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in “office for windows?”

ABBOT: The Word you get when you click the blue W.
COSTELLO: I’m going to click your big W if you don’t give me a straight answer. Let’s forget about words for a minute. What do I need if I want to watch a movie over the Internet?

ABBOT: RealOne.
COSTELLO: Maybe a real movie, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. But what do I need to watch it?

ABBOT: RealOne.
COSTELLO: If it’s a long movie I’ll also want to watch reels two, three and four. Can I watch reel four?

ABBOT: Of course.
COSTELLO: Great! With what?

ABBOT: RealOne.
COSTELLO: Okay, so I’m sitting at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?

ABBOT: You click the blue 1.
COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?

ABBOT: The blue 1.
COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue W?

ABBOT: Of course it is. The blue 1 is Real One. The blue W is Word.
COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there’s three words in “office for windows!”

ABBOT: No, just one. But it’s the most popular Word in the world.
COSTELLO: It is?

ABBOT: Yes, although to be fair there aren’t many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words.
COSTELLO: And that word is the real one?

ABBOT: No. Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn’t even part of Office.
COSTELLO: Never mind; I don’t want to get started with that again. But I also need something for bank accounts, loans, and so on. What do you have to help me track my money?

ABBOT: Money.
COSTELLO: That’s right. What do you have?

ABBOT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOT: No, not really. It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What comes bundled with my computer?

ABBOT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes bundled with my computer?

ABBOT: Exactly. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer at no extra charge? How much money do I get?

ABBOT: Just one copy.
COSTELLO: I get a copy of money. Isn’t that illegal?

ABBOT: No. We have a license from Microsoft to make copies of Money.
COSTELLO: Microsoft can license you to make money?

ABBOT: Why not? They own it.
COSTELLO: Well, it’s great that I’m going to get free money, but I’ll still need to track it. Do you have anything for managing your money?

ABBOT: Managing Your Money? That program disappeared years ago.
COSTELLO: Well, what do you sell in its place?

ABBOT: Money.
COSTELLO: You sell money?

ABBOT: Of course. But if you buy a computer from us, you get it for free.
COSTELLO: That’s all very wonderful, but I’ll be running a business. Do you have any software for, you know, accounting?

ABBOT: Simply Accounting.
COSTELLO: Probably, but it might get a little complicated.

ABBOT: If you don’t want Simply Accounting, you might try M.Y.O.B.
COSTELLO: M.Y.O.B.? What does that stand for?

ABBOT: Mind Your Own Business.
COSTELLO: I beg your pardon?

ABBOT: No, that would be I.B.Y.P. I said M.Y.O.B.
COSTELLO: Look, I just need to do some accounting for my home business. You know–accounting? You do it with money.

ABBOT: Of course you can do accounting with Money. But you may need more.
COSTELLO: More money?

ABBOT: More than Money. Money can’t do everything.
COSTELLO: I don’t need a sermon! Okay, let’s forget about money for the moment. I’m worried that my computer might… what’s the word? Crash. And if my computer crashes, what can I use to restore my data?

ABBOT: Go Back.
COSTELLO: Okay. I’m worried about my computer smashing and I need something to restore my data. What do you recommend?

ABBOT: Go Back.
COSTELLO: How many times do I have to repeat myself?

ABBOT: I’ve never asked you to repeat yourself. All I said was Go Back.
COSTELLO: How can I go back if I haven’t even been anywhere? Okay, I’ll go back. What do I need to write a proposal?

ABBOT: Word.
COSTELLO: But I’ll need lots of words to write a proposal.

ABBOT: No, you only need one Word-the Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there’s three words in … Oh, never mind.

ABBOT: Hello? Hello? Customers! Why do they always hang up on me? Oh, well. Ultimate Super Duper Computer Store: Can I help you?