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Business

Janitor or Millionaire

Jun 6, 2021

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Closer Than You Think!

An unemployed man goes to apply for a job with Microsoft as a janitor. The manager there arranges for him to take an aptitude test (Section: Floors, sweeping and cleaning).

After the test, the manager says, “You will be employed at minimum wage, $5.15 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address, so that I can send you a form to complete and tell you where to report for work on your first day. Taken aback, the man protests that he has neither a computer nor an e-mail address. To this the MS manager replies, “Well, then, that means that you virtually don’t exist and can therefore hardly expect to be employed.

Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having only $10 in his wallet, he decides to buy a 25 lb flat of tomatoes at the supermarket. Within less than 2 hours, he sells all the tomatoes individually at 100% profit. Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 before going to sleep that night. And thus it dawns on him that he could quite easily make a living selling tomatoes. Getting up early every day and going to bed late, he multiplies his profits quickly.

After a short time he acquires a cart to transport several dozen boxes of tomatoes, only to have to trade it in again so that he can buy a pick-up truck to support his expanding business. By the end of the second year, he is the owner of a fleet of pick-up trucks and manages a staff of a hundred former unemployed people, all selling tomatoes.

Planning for the future of his wife and children, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. At the end of the telephone conversation, the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order to send the final documents electronically. When the man replies that he has no e-mail, the adviser is stunned, “What, you don’t have e-mail? How on earth have you managed to amass such wealth without the Internet, e-mail and e-commerce? Just imagine where you would be now, if you had been connected to the Internet from the very start!”

After a moment of thought, the tomato millionaire replied, “Why, of course! I would be a floor cleaner at Microsoft!”

Moral of this story:

1. The Internet, e-mail and e-commerce do not need to rule your life.
2. If you don’t have e-mail, but work hard, you can still become a millionaire.
3. Since you got this story via e-mail, you’re probably closer to becoming a janitor than you are to becoming a millionaire.
4. If you do have a computer and e-mail, you have already been taken to the cleaners by Microsoft.

Better Run

Jun 6, 2021

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Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighbourhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end.

At the last house a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter. Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger co worker to a foot race down to the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one. As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong.

Gasping for breath, she replied, “When I see two gas men running as hard as you two were, I figured I’d better run too!”

Apple Corporation Sues Itself

Jun 6, 2021

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Apple Corporation Sues Itself Jokes Times

In a move that has industrial analysts scratching their heads, Apple Computers has filed suit against Apple Computer, Inc. The company claims that Apple has violated the Look and Feel of their own machines which has helped to make the company famous.

An Apple Spokesperson stated “This is no joke. If we don’t protect our copyrighted interface, everyone will use it and we could lose the exclusive right. So it is in our best interests to sue anyone who uses the Macintosh Look and Feel, including ourselves.” The spokesperson says Apple has retained the prestigious LA law firm of Kukla, Fran and Ollie to spearhead the lawsuit. Apple’s in house lawyers will defend.

Long time Apple observer Ernest Dinklefwat stated that this is a sure sign that Apple has too many lawyers and not enough engineers. “In the old days Apple depended on its talented engineers to keep ahead of the competition, but now they have lost the edge, as well as their grasp on reality.”

The industry will be sure to watch this case closely. If Apple wins the suit against itself, this could mean a massive recall of all Macintosh and Lisa computers which will need to be converted to avoid all graphics and desktop metaphors and instead provide a simple terminal-like interface. Such a move would cause a massive digression in the personal computer market. Users of computers would be forced to learn to read, which could cause dangerous literacy among college students and professionals.

IT vs. Business

Jun 6, 2021

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A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realises he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts:

“Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?”

The man below says: “yes you’re in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field.”

“You must work in Information Technology” says the balloonist.

“I do” replies the man. “How did you know.”

“Well” says the balloonist, “everything you have told me is technically correct, but it’s no use to anyone.”

The man below says “you must work in business.”

“I do” replies the balloonist, “but how did you know?”

“Well”, says the man, “you don’t know where you are, or where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help. You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault.”

All You’ll Ever Need to Know About Marriage

Jun 6, 2021

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All You Will Ever Need to Know About Marriage Jokes Times

Why does a woman work ten years to change a man’s habits, and then complain that he’s not the man she married?

Men are like wine – some turn to vinegar, but the best improve with age.

When a girl marries, she exchanges the attentions of many men for the inattention of one.

Marriage is one long conversation, checkered by disputes.

No human being believes that any other human being has a right to be in bed when he himself is up.

If you have a job without aggravations, you don’t have a job.

Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old; it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother.

Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it’s time to get up.

Many a women who thinks she has purchased a dress for the ridiculous price has actually bought it for an absurd figure.

When a man says it’s a silly, childish game, it’s probably something his wife can beat him at.

You can always tell a house with young boys in it. You have to wash the soap before you can use it.

Nowadays the pay check that arrives none too soon, is too soon none.

A woman is like a tea bag: you never know her strength until she is in hot water.

Almost every child would learn to write sooner if allowed to do his homework on wet cement.

Women like the simpler things in life – like men.

Robbers demand your money or your life; women require both.

Children aren’t happy without something to ignore; and that’s what parents were created for.

It is a woman’s business to get married as soon as possible, and a mans to stay unmarried as long as he can.

All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterwards that causes all the trouble.

Surgery

Jun 6, 2021

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A mother of five decides to get plastic surgery on her privates so her husband can enjoy the snugness she had in her youth. So, she heads off to the doctor for the procedure. Once the procedure is done, she wakes up to find three roses on herbed, and asks the nurse who sent them.

The nurse says, “The doctor wanted you to know he appreciates the business, so he left you a rose. Then your husband came in with a rose, stating that he can’t wait to feel the results of the surgery, so he left a rose, too.”

“What about the third rose?” asks the patient.

“Oh, that’s from Ed in the burn unit. He wanted to say thanks… for the new ears.”