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Custer’s Last Thoughts

Jun 6, 2021

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An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall, so he called an artist.

Describing what he wanted, the billionaire said, “I am a history buff, and I would like your interpretation of the last thing that went through Custer’s mind before he died. I am going out of town on business for a week, and when I return, I expect to see it completed.”

Upon his return, the billionaire went to the library to examine the finished work. To his surprise, he found a painting of a cow with a halo. Surrounding this were hundreds of Indians in various sexual positions.

Furious, he called the artist in. “What the hell is this?” screamed the billionaire.

“Why, that’s exactly what you asked for,” said the artist smugly.

“No! I didn’t ask for a mural of pornographic filth. I asked for an interpretation of Custer’s last thoughts!”

“And there you have it,” said the artist. “I call it, ‘Holy cow, look at all those fucking Indians.'”

Don’t Make a Nurse Angry

Jun 6, 2021

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A big shot business man had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees.

None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, “I have to take your temperature.”

After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.

“No, I’m sorry, the nurse stated, “but for this reading, I cannot use an oral thermometer.” This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his rear end.

After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, “I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!”

She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door laughing. After almost an hour, the man’s doctor comes into the room.

“What’s going on here?” asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answers, “What’s the matter, Doc? Haven’t you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?”

After a pause, the doctor confesses, “Well, no. I guess I haven’t. Not with a carnation anyway.”

Abbot and Costello: Computer Shopping

Jun 6, 2021

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Abbot and Costello - Computer Shopping Jokes Times

ABBOT: Ultimate Super Duper Computer Store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I’m setting up a home office in the den, and I’m thinking of buying a computer.

ABBOT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name is Bud.

ABBOT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don’t own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name is Bud.

ABBOT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Does it get stuffy?

ABBOT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don’t know. What do I see when I look out the windows?

ABBOT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOT: Software that runs on Windows?
COSTELLO: No, on the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses. You know, run a business. What have you got?

ABBOT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOT: Recommended something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOT: Yes.
COSTELLO: Okay, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office.

ABBOT: Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office and it already has windows! Let’s say I’m sitting at my computer, and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOT: Word.
COSTELLO: If I’m writing a proposal, I’m going to need lots of words. But what program do I load?

ABBOT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOT: The Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in “office for windows?”

ABBOT: The Word you get when you click the blue W.
COSTELLO: I’m going to click your big W if you don’t give me a straight answer. Let’s forget about words for a minute. What do I need if I want to watch a movie over the Internet?

ABBOT: RealOne.
COSTELLO: Maybe a real movie, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. But what do I need to watch it?

ABBOT: RealOne.
COSTELLO: If it’s a long movie I’ll also want to watch reels two, three and four. Can I watch reel four?

ABBOT: Of course.
COSTELLO: Great! With what?

ABBOT: RealOne.
COSTELLO: Okay, so I’m sitting at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?

ABBOT: You click the blue 1.
COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?

ABBOT: The blue 1.
COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue W?

ABBOT: Of course it is. The blue 1 is Real One. The blue W is Word.
COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there’s three words in “office for windows!”

ABBOT: No, just one. But it’s the most popular Word in the world.
COSTELLO: It is?

ABBOT: Yes, although to be fair there aren’t many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words.
COSTELLO: And that word is the real one?

ABBOT: No. Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn’t even part of Office.
COSTELLO: Never mind; I don’t want to get started with that again. But I also need something for bank accounts, loans, and so on. What do you have to help me track my money?

ABBOT: Money.
COSTELLO: That’s right. What do you have?

ABBOT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOT: No, not really. It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What comes bundled with my computer?

ABBOT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes bundled with my computer?

ABBOT: Exactly. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer at no extra charge? How much money do I get?

ABBOT: Just one copy.
COSTELLO: I get a copy of money. Isn’t that illegal?

ABBOT: No. We have a license from Microsoft to make copies of Money.
COSTELLO: Microsoft can license you to make money?

ABBOT: Why not? They own it.
COSTELLO: Well, it’s great that I’m going to get free money, but I’ll still need to track it. Do you have anything for managing your money?

ABBOT: Managing Your Money? That program disappeared years ago.
COSTELLO: Well, what do you sell in its place?

ABBOT: Money.
COSTELLO: You sell money?

ABBOT: Of course. But if you buy a computer from us, you get it for free.
COSTELLO: That’s all very wonderful, but I’ll be running a business. Do you have any software for, you know, accounting?

ABBOT: Simply Accounting.
COSTELLO: Probably, but it might get a little complicated.

ABBOT: If you don’t want Simply Accounting, you might try M.Y.O.B.
COSTELLO: M.Y.O.B.? What does that stand for?

ABBOT: Mind Your Own Business.
COSTELLO: I beg your pardon?

ABBOT: No, that would be I.B.Y.P. I said M.Y.O.B.
COSTELLO: Look, I just need to do some accounting for my home business. You know–accounting? You do it with money.

ABBOT: Of course you can do accounting with Money. But you may need more.
COSTELLO: More money?

ABBOT: More than Money. Money can’t do everything.
COSTELLO: I don’t need a sermon! Okay, let’s forget about money for the moment. I’m worried that my computer might… what’s the word? Crash. And if my computer crashes, what can I use to restore my data?

ABBOT: Go Back.
COSTELLO: Okay. I’m worried about my computer smashing and I need something to restore my data. What do you recommend?

ABBOT: Go Back.
COSTELLO: How many times do I have to repeat myself?

ABBOT: I’ve never asked you to repeat yourself. All I said was Go Back.
COSTELLO: How can I go back if I haven’t even been anywhere? Okay, I’ll go back. What do I need to write a proposal?

ABBOT: Word.
COSTELLO: But I’ll need lots of words to write a proposal.

ABBOT: No, you only need one Word-the Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there’s three words in … Oh, never mind.

ABBOT: Hello? Hello? Customers! Why do they always hang up on me? Oh, well. Ultimate Super Duper Computer Store: Can I help you?

Getting the most from your I.T. department

Jun 6, 2021

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Getting the most from your I.T. department Joeks Times

1. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children’s art. We don’t have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.

2. Don’t write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here.

3. When an I.T. person says he’s coming right over, go for coffee.That way you won’t be there when we need your password. It’s nothing for us to remember 300 screen saver passwords.

4. When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what’s keeping you from getting it. We don’t need to know that you can’t get into your mail because your computer won’t power on at all.

6. When I.T. support sends you an E-Mail with high importance, delete it at once. We’re just testing.

7. When an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.

8. Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.

9. When the photocopier doesn’t work, call computer support. There’s electronics in it.

10. When you’re getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call computer support. We can fix your telephone line from here.

11. When you have a dozen old computer screens to get rid of, call computer support. We’re collectors.

12. When something’s wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T.person’s chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle.

13. When an I.T. person tells you that computer screens don’t have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.

14. When an I.T. person tells you that he’ll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice : “And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?”. That motivates us.

15. When the printer won’t print, re-send the job at least 20 times.Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.

16. When the printer still won’t print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.

17. Don’t learn the proper name for anything technical. We know exactly what you mean by “my thingy blew up”.

18. Don’t use on-line help. On-line help is for wimps.

19. If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture of your dog, lift the computer and stuff the cable under it. Mouse cables were designed to have 20kg of computer sitting on top of them.

20. If the space bar on your keyboard doesn’t work, blame it on the mail upgrade. Keyboards are actually very happy with half a pound of muffin crumbs and nail clippings in them.

21. When you get a message saying “Are you sure?” click on that Yes button as fast as you can. Hell, if you weren’t sure, you wouldn’t be doing it, would you ?

22. When you find an I.T. person on the phone with his bank, sit uninvited on the corner of his desk and stare at him until he hangs up. We don’t have any money to speak of anyway.

23. Feel perfectly free to say things like “I don’t know nothing about that computer crap”. We don’t mind at all hearing our area of professional expertise referred to as crap.

24. When you need to change the toner cartridge in a printer, callI.T. support. Changing a toner cartridge is an extremely complex task, and Hewlett-Packard recommends that it be performed only by a professional engineer with a master’s degree in nuclear physics.

25. When you can’t find someone in the government directory, call I.T.Support.

26. When you have a lock to pick on an old file cabinet, call I.T.Support. We love to hack.

27. When something’s the matter with your computer, ask your secretariat call the help desk. We enjoy the challenge of having to deal with a third party who doesn’t know anything about the problem.

28. When you receive a 30mb (huge) movie file, send it to everyone asa mail attachment. We’ve got lots of disk space on that mail server.

29. Don’t even think of breaking large print jobs down into smaller chunks. Somebody else might get a chance to squeeze a memo into the queue.

30. When an I.T. person gets on the elevator pushing $100,000 worth of computer equipment on a cart, ask in a very loud voice: “Good grief, you take the elevator to go DOWNone floor?!?” That’s another one that cracks us up no end.

31. When you lose your car keys, send an email to the entire company.People out in Birmingham like to keep abreast of what’s going on.

32. When you bump into an I.T. person at the grocery store on aSaturday, ask a computer question. We do weekends.

33. Don’t bother to tell us when you move computers around on your own. Computer names are just a cosmetic feature.

34. When you bring your own personal home PC for repair at the office,leave the documentation at home. We’ll find all the settings and drivers somewhere.

35. In no way do we believe that end-users are ungrateful. It hurts our feelings that one could even think such a thing on the basis of the above statements. In truth we wish to express our deepest gratitude to the hundreds of wonderful end-users portrayed herein, without whom none of this would have been remotely possible.

Your friendly computer guy.

Good Horse

Jun 6, 2021

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This hot and dusty cowboy rode in from the mesa, filthy and exhausted. He had had nothing but his horse for company for a couple of weeks and was looking forward to a couple of cold beers in the saloon.

Swinging off his horse and hitching it to the rail, the cowboy gave his horse an affectionate slap on the neck. Then he astonished an old cowhand lounging on the porch by moving around to the horse’s hindquarters, lifting up it tail, and planting a demure kiss on its asshole.

“What’d you do that for?” asked the cowhand, completely repulsed.
“Chapped lips,” said the cowboy, heading for the saloon doors.
“Wait a minute,” said the old guy. “Whaddaya mean, chapped lips?”
“Keeps ya from lickin’ ’em,” explained the cowboy.

Fingers

Jun 6, 2021

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A guy was packing for a business trip and his three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed.

At one point she said, “Daddy, look at this,” and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, he reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in his mouth and said, “Daddy’s gonna eat your fingers,” pretending to eat them and then went back to packing.

He looked up again and his daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

He said, “What’s wrong, honey?”

She replied, “What happened to my boogie?