An Easterner has always dreamed of owning his own cattle ranch, and finally made enough money to buy himself the spread of his dreams in Wyoming.
“So what did you name the ranch?” asked his best friend when he flew out to visit.
“We had a hell of a time,” admitted the new cowboy. “Couldn’t agree on anything. We finally settled on the Double R Lazy L Triple Horseshoe Bar-7 Lucky Diamond Ranch.”
“Wow!” His friend was impressed. “So where are all the cows?”
“None of them survived the branding.”
A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient’s room. He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half. Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.
The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing. The patient replied, “Can’t you see I’m sawing this piece of wood in half?” The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing.
Patient #1 replied, “Oh. He’s my friend, but he’s a little crazy. He thinks he’s a lightbulb.” The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2’s face is going all red.
The doctor asks Patient #1, “If he’s your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself”
Patient #1 replies, “What? And work in the dark?”
A father passing by his son’s bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed, “Dad”With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:
Dear Dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you. I’ve been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice – even with all her piercing, tattoos, and her tight Motorcycle clothes.
But it’s not only the passion dad, she’s pregnant, and Joan said that we will be very happy. Even though you don’t care for her as she is so much older than I, she already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. She wants to have many more children with me and that’s now one of my dreams too.
Joan taught me that marijuana doesn’t really hurt anyone and we’ll be growing it for us and trading it with her friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we’ll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it!!
Don’t worry Dad, I’m 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I’m sure we’ll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.
Your son, John
PS: Dad, none of the above is true. I’m over at the neighbour’s house. Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that’s in my desk center drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.
John and Jessica were on their way home from the bar one night after drinking. John was driving and got pulled over by the police. The officer told John that he was stopped because one of his tail lights was burned out. John said, “I’m very sorry officer, I didn’t realize it was out, I’ll get it fixed right away.” Just then Jessica said, “I knew this would happen when I told you two days ago to get that light fixed.”
So after hearing this, the officer asked for John’s license and after looking at it said, “Sir, your license has expired.” And again, John apologised and mentioned that he didn’t realise that it had expired and would take care of it first thing in the morning. Jessica said, “I told you a week ago that the state sent you a letter telling you that your license had expired.”
Well by this time, John is a bit upset with his wife contradicting him in front of the officer, and he said in a rather loud voice, “JESSICA, WILL YOU SHUT UP!”
The officer then leaned over towards Jessica and asked, “Does your husband always talk to you like that?” Jessica replied, “Nope, not always. Only when he is drunk.”
AOL: America Online, this is Debby, how may I help you this evening?
Me Yes, I’m trying to become an AOL member, but I’m having problems making my account.
AOL: Okay, what happening?
Me: It disconnects me saying Invalid Credit Card.
AOL: What kind of credit card are you using?
Me: Visa.
AOL: Are you sure your card isn’t expired?
Me: Actually, it’s a stolen credit card.
AOL: Pardon, sir?
Me: Yeah, I stole it. I just jumped some guy and pounded him until he gave me his card.
AOL: Umm, sir I’m sorry I can’t help you.
Me: Aww, c’mon, I’ll give you a cookie.
AOL: Sir I have to go.
AOL: America Online, this is Diane speaking.
Me: Hi, I have some questions about American Online before I join.
AOL: Okay sir what’s your question?
Me: Well, some of my friends who have AOL say they get something
called “cybersex”… does this cost extra?
AOL: :::quiet laugh in the background::: Well sir…I don’t know
how to explain this, but cybersex is not part of America Online.
Me: Oh really? My friends said they got it from AOL.
AOL: Well its something members typically do when they go to a chat room.
Me: Humm…I don’t understand, what is cybersex??
AOL: I’m sorry I really don’t know how to explain it.
Me: Humm..well, have you ever had cybersex?
AOL: Sir I don’t think that’s an appropriate question to be
asking me. Is there anything else you need?
Me: Sorry, like I said I don’t even know what it is.
AOL: That’s okay sir, anything else?
Me: Yes, I have one more question.
AOL: Go ahead
Me: What are you wearing?
AOL: …
