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Work JokesJun 4, 2021

Making a Donation

Jun 6, 2021

0 62

A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center.
Man: “What are you doing here today?”
Woman: “Oh, I`m here to donate some blood. They`re going to give me $5 for it.”

Man: “Hmm, that`s interesting. I`m here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25.”

The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways.

Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation center.

Man: “Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?”

Woman: [shaking her head with mouth closed] “Unh unh.”

The Rancher’s Wife

Jun 6, 2021

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A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.

She was a very good-looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied, she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks the two of them worked and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher’s widow said to the hired hand, “You have done a really good job and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels.” The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

However, one o’clock came and he didn’t return. Two o’clock and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty and found the rancher’s widow sitting by the fireplace. She quietly called him over to her.

“Unbutton my blouse and take it off,” she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.

“Now take off my boots.” He did so slowly.

“Now take off my socks.” He did.

“Now take off my skirt.” He did.

“Now take off my bra.” Again with trembling hands he did as he was told.

“Now,” she said, “take off my panties.” He slowly pulled them down and off.

Then she looked at him and said, “Don’t you ever wear my clothes to town again!”

Math Homework

Jun 6, 2021

0 244

$Math Homework Jokes Times$

A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself,

“Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine….”

His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, “What are you doing?”

The little boy answered, “I’m doing my math homework, Mum.”

“And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?” the mother asked

“Yes,” he answered.

Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, “What are you teaching my son in math?”

The teacher replied, “Right now, we are learning addition.”

The mother asked, “And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?”

After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, “What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.”

Kids Are So Smart These Days

Jun 6, 2021

0 216

Kids Are So Smart These Days Jokes Times

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, ‘Let’s talk. I’ve heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.’

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, ‘What would you like to talk about?’

‘Oh, I don’t know,’ said the stranger. ‘How about nuclear power?’ and he smiles.

‘OK, ‘ she said. ‘That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first.

A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff – grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?’

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl’s intelligence, thinks about it and says, ‘Hmmm, I have no idea.’To which the little girl replies,

‘Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don’t know sh*t?

A Lottery Winner

Jun 6, 2021

0 395

A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, “Martha, pack up your things. I just won the California lottery!”

Martha replies, “Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?”

The man responds, “I don’t care. Just so long as you’re out of the house by noon!”

Abbot and Costello: Computer Shopping

Jun 6, 2021

0 225

Abbot and Costello - Computer Shopping Jokes Times

ABBOT: Ultimate Super Duper Computer Store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I’m setting up a home office in the den, and I’m thinking of buying a computer.

ABBOT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name is Bud.

ABBOT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don’t own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name is Bud.

ABBOT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Does it get stuffy?

ABBOT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don’t know. What do I see when I look out the windows?

ABBOT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOT: Software that runs on Windows?
COSTELLO: No, on the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses. You know, run a business. What have you got?

ABBOT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOT: Recommended something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOT: Yes.
COSTELLO: Okay, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office.

ABBOT: Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office and it already has windows! Let’s say I’m sitting at my computer, and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOT: Word.
COSTELLO: If I’m writing a proposal, I’m going to need lots of words. But what program do I load?

ABBOT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOT: The Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in “office for windows?”

ABBOT: The Word you get when you click the blue W.
COSTELLO: I’m going to click your big W if you don’t give me a straight answer. Let’s forget about words for a minute. What do I need if I want to watch a movie over the Internet?

ABBOT: RealOne.
COSTELLO: Maybe a real movie, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. But what do I need to watch it?

ABBOT: RealOne.
COSTELLO: If it’s a long movie I’ll also want to watch reels two, three and four. Can I watch reel four?

ABBOT: Of course.
COSTELLO: Great! With what?

ABBOT: RealOne.
COSTELLO: Okay, so I’m sitting at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?

ABBOT: You click the blue 1.
COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?

ABBOT: The blue 1.
COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue W?

ABBOT: Of course it is. The blue 1 is Real One. The blue W is Word.
COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there’s three words in “office for windows!”

ABBOT: No, just one. But it’s the most popular Word in the world.
COSTELLO: It is?

ABBOT: Yes, although to be fair there aren’t many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words.
COSTELLO: And that word is the real one?

ABBOT: No. Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn’t even part of Office.
COSTELLO: Never mind; I don’t want to get started with that again. But I also need something for bank accounts, loans, and so on. What do you have to help me track my money?

ABBOT: Money.
COSTELLO: That’s right. What do you have?

ABBOT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOT: No, not really. It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What comes bundled with my computer?

ABBOT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes bundled with my computer?

ABBOT: Exactly. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer at no extra charge? How much money do I get?

ABBOT: Just one copy.
COSTELLO: I get a copy of money. Isn’t that illegal?

ABBOT: No. We have a license from Microsoft to make copies of Money.
COSTELLO: Microsoft can license you to make money?

ABBOT: Why not? They own it.
COSTELLO: Well, it’s great that I’m going to get free money, but I’ll still need to track it. Do you have anything for managing your money?

ABBOT: Managing Your Money? That program disappeared years ago.
COSTELLO: Well, what do you sell in its place?

ABBOT: Money.
COSTELLO: You sell money?

ABBOT: Of course. But if you buy a computer from us, you get it for free.
COSTELLO: That’s all very wonderful, but I’ll be running a business. Do you have any software for, you know, accounting?

ABBOT: Simply Accounting.
COSTELLO: Probably, but it might get a little complicated.

ABBOT: If you don’t want Simply Accounting, you might try M.Y.O.B.
COSTELLO: M.Y.O.B.? What does that stand for?

ABBOT: Mind Your Own Business.
COSTELLO: I beg your pardon?

ABBOT: No, that would be I.B.Y.P. I said M.Y.O.B.
COSTELLO: Look, I just need to do some accounting for my home business. You know–accounting? You do it with money.

ABBOT: Of course you can do accounting with Money. But you may need more.
COSTELLO: More money?

ABBOT: More than Money. Money can’t do everything.
COSTELLO: I don’t need a sermon! Okay, let’s forget about money for the moment. I’m worried that my computer might… what’s the word? Crash. And if my computer crashes, what can I use to restore my data?

ABBOT: Go Back.
COSTELLO: Okay. I’m worried about my computer smashing and I need something to restore my data. What do you recommend?

ABBOT: Go Back.
COSTELLO: How many times do I have to repeat myself?

ABBOT: I’ve never asked you to repeat yourself. All I said was Go Back.
COSTELLO: How can I go back if I haven’t even been anywhere? Okay, I’ll go back. What do I need to write a proposal?

ABBOT: Word.
COSTELLO: But I’ll need lots of words to write a proposal.

ABBOT: No, you only need one Word-the Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there’s three words in … Oh, never mind.

ABBOT: Hello? Hello? Customers! Why do they always hang up on me? Oh, well. Ultimate Super Duper Computer Store: Can I help you?