Sunday, February 23, 2025
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Cat Competition Jokes Times

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats are. The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, the fourth was a Government Employee.

To show off, the Engineer called to his cat, “T-square, do your stuff.”T-square pranced over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, Spreadsheet, do your stuff.” Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, “Measure, do your stuff.” Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good.

Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, “What can your cat do?” The Government Worker called to his cat and said, “Coffee Break, do your stuff.” Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, crapped on the paper, screwed the other three cats, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.

A Man with Neck Brace Jokes Times

A man walks into a pub with a neck brace around his neck.

He asks for a pint. The bartender gives him one. Then the man asks, “Who’s in the lounge?” The bartender replies. “15 people playing darts.” The man says, “Get them a pint too.”

Then he asks, “Who’s upstairs?”

The bartender replies, “150 people at the disco.

“The man says, “Get them a drink too.”

The bartender says, “That will be $328 please.

“The man says, “Sorry but I haven’t got that much money on me.”

The bartender says, “If you were at the pub a mile from here, they would of broke your neck.”

The man says, “I’ve all ready been there.”

Goodbye Daddy Jokes Times

A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying:’God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and goodbye Grandpa.’ The father asked, ‘Why did you say goodbye Grandpa?’ The little girl said, ‘I don’t know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do.’

The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this: ‘God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma.’

The next day the grandmother died. ‘Holy **** ‘ thought the father,this kid is in contact with the other side. Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say: ‘God bless Mommy and goodbye Daddy.’

He practically went into shock. He couldn’t sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally, midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said ‘I’ve never seen you work so late,what’s the matter?’

He said ‘I don’t want to talk about it; I’ve just spent the worst day of my life.’

She said, ‘You think you had a bad day, you’ll never believe what happened to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!

The Mechanic Jokes Times

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop. The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike.

The mechanic shouted across the garage, “Hey Doc can I ask you a question?”

The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, “So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix’em, put ’em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, whispering to the mechanic….. “Try doing it with the engine running!”

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