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Friday, November 22, 2024
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The Secret to Making a Marriage Last Jokes Times

My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last.

  1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food and companionship. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
  2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Florida and mine is in N.Y.
  3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
  4. I asked my wife, “Where do you want to go for our anniversary?” “Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!” So I suggested, “How about the kitchen?”
  5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
  6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster,and electric bread maker. Then she said “There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!” So I bought her an electric chair.
  7. My wife told me the car wasn’t running well, there was water in the carburettor. I asked where the car was, she told me, “In the lake.”
  8. My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn’t lost weight, but BOY, can she climb a tree now!
  9. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
  10. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, “Am I too late for the garbage?” The driver said, “No, jump in!”

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Too Excited to Date Jokes Times

Suzie had a crush on Mikey since she was 15 years old. Mikey never paid Suzie any attention. Every year Suzie would try to get Mikey to notice her, but he just wasn’t interested.

Finally, when Suzie turned 18, she began to come of age, and sure enough, Mikey noticed. Suzie looked so pretty and grown-up that Mikey asked her for a date for a Friday night!!

She was so excited all that week, she could hardly wait for Friday.

Finally, Friday came.

As soon as she got home from school, Suzie began getting ready for her date at 7. She spent four hours on her clothes, hair and make-up, wanting everything to be perfect for the night she had waited years for.

Finally, 7 O’Clock came around. Looking out the window, she saw Mikey pull up in his shiny black car. She became so nervous and excited, that she opened the door before he even got to it. “Hi Mikey!” she said, nervous as hell, and Mikey replied, “Suzie you look beautiful!!”

Suzie was so pleased when she walked out the door – then IT hit her.

Suzie realized in horror that she had to FART!! Oh my God she thought, walking along, what am I going to do??

Being a quick thinker, Suzie got an idea: She would let him open her door for her, hurry in, fart, roll down the window real quick, and by the time he came around and got in, all would be O.K.

So they get to the car, Mikey opens the door, and Suzie gets in. He closes the door, then she really rips one! She rolls down the window, and sees that he’s just getting around to his door. Relaxing a little now, Suzie smiles at Mikey as he gets in the Car.

Then Mikey turns to her, points to the back seat, and says, “Suzie, I’d like you to meet my brother Carl and his date”.

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Making a Donation Jokes Times

A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center.
Man: “What are you doing here today?”
Woman: “Oh, I`m here to donate some blood. They`re going to give me $5 for it.”

Man: “Hmm, that`s interesting. I`m here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25.”

The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways.

Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation center.

Man: “Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?”

Woman: [shaking her head with mouth closed] “Unh unh.”

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The Rancher's Wife Jokes Times

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.

She was a very good-looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied, she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks the two of them worked and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher’s widow said to the hired hand, “You have done a really good job and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels.” The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

However, one o’clock came and he didn’t return. Two o’clock and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty and found the rancher’s widow sitting by the fireplace. She quietly called him over to her.

“Unbutton my blouse and take it off,” she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.

“Now take off my boots.” He did so slowly.

“Now take off my socks.” He did.

“Now take off my skirt.” He did.

“Now take off my bra.” Again with trembling hands he did as he was told.

“Now,” she said, “take off my panties.” He slowly pulled them down and off.

Then she looked at him and said, “Don’t you ever wear my clothes to town again!”

0 847
Ninety-Ninth Birthday Jokes Times

An eminent old man was being interviewed, and was asked if it was correct that he had just celebrated his ninety-ninth birthday.

‘That’s right,’ said the old man. ‘Ninety-nine years old, and I haven’t an enemy in the world. They’re all dead.

‘Well, sir,’ said the interviewer, ‘I hope very much to have the honor of interviewing you on your hundredth birthday.’

The old man looked at the young man closely, and said, ‘I can’t see why you shouldn’t. You look fit and healthy to me!’

0 179
Before and After You Fall in Love Jokes Times

Before – You take my breath away
After – I feel like I’m suffocating

Before – Twice a night
After – Twice a month

Before – She says she loves the way I take control of a situation
After – She called me a controlling, manipulative, egomaniac

Before – Lucy and Ricky
After – Fred and Ethyl

Before – Saturday Night Fever
After – Monday Night Football

Before – Don’t stop
After – Don’t start

Before – Is that all your having?
After – Maybe you should have just a salad, honey

Before – Its like I’m living In a dream
After – Its like he lives In a dorm

Before – $60/doz.
After – $1.50/stem

Before – Turbo charged
After – Jump start

Before – We agree on everything
After – Doesn’t she have a mind of her own?

Before – Victoria Secret
After – Fruit of the Loom

Before – Charming and Noble
After – Chernobyl

Before – Feathers and handcuffs
After – Ball and chain

Before – Idol
After – Idle

Before – I love a woman with curves
After – I never said you were fat

Before – He’s completely lost without me
After – Why won’t he ever ask for directions?

Before – Time stood still
After – This relationship Is going nowhere

Before – Croissant and cappuccino
After – Bagel and instant

Before – You look so seductive In black
After – Your clothes are so depressing

Before – Oysters
After – Fishsticks

Before – I can hardly believe we found each other
After – I can’t believe I ended up with someone like you

Before – Passion
After – Ration

Before – Once upon a time
After – The end

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