Saturday, March 29, 2025
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Men Who Remember Jokes Times

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears to be in deep though, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.

“What’s the matter, dear?” she whispers as she steps into the room. “Why are you down here at this time of night?” The husband looks up, “Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17?” he asks solemnly.

The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. “Yes, I do,” she replies. The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. “Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?”

“Yes, I remember,” says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues… “Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, “Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years.” “I remember that too,” she replies softly. He wipes another tear from his cheek and says… “I would have gotten out today!”

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50 Rules for Men Jokes Times

A Woman’s 50 Rules for Men

For those of you who are guys, pay close attention to the following:

  1. Call.
  2. Don’t lie.
  3. Never tape any of her body parts together.
  4. If guys’ night out is going to be fun, invite the girls.
  5. If guys’ night out is going to involve strippers, remember the zoo rules: No petting.
  6. The correct answer to, “Do I look fat?”, is never, ever, “Yes.”
  7. Ditto for “Is she prettier than me?”
  8. Victoria’s Secret is good. Frederick’s of Hollywood is bad.
  9. Ordering for her is good. Telling her what she wants is bad.
  10. Being attentive is good. Stalking is bad.
  11. “Honey”, “Darling”, and “Sweetheart” are good. “Nag”, “Lardass”, and “Bitch” are bad.
  12. Talking is good. Shouting is bad. Slapping is a felony.
  13. A grunt is seldom an acceptable answer to any question.
  14. None of your ex-girlfriends were ever nicer, prettier, or better in bed.
  15. Her cooking is excellent.
  16. That isn’t an excuse for you to avoid cooking.
  17. Dish soap is your friend.
  18. Hat does not equal shower, aftershave does not equal soap, and warm does not equal clean.
  19. Buying her dinner does not equal foreplay.
  20. Answering “Who was that on the phone?” with “Nobody” is never going to end that conversation.
  21. Ditto for “Whose lipstick is this?”
  22. Two words: clean socks.
  23. Believe it or not, you’re probably not more attractive when you’re drunk.
  24. Burping is not sexy.
  25. You’re wrong.
  26. You’re sorry.
  27. She is probably less impressed by your discourse on your cool car than you think she is.
  28. Ditto for your discourse on football.
  29. Ditto for your ability to jump up and hit any awning in a single bound.
  30. “Will you marry me?” is good. “Let’s shack up together” is bad.
  31. Don’t assume PMS is the cause for every bad mood.
  32. Don’t assume PMS doesn’t exist.
  33. No means No. Yes means Yes. Silence could mean anything she feels like at that particular moment in time, and it could change without notice.
  34. “But, we kiss…” is not justification for using her toothbrush. You don’t clean plaque with your tongue.
  35. Never let her walk anywhere alone after 11 p.m.
  36. Chivalry and feminism are NOT mutually exclusive.
  37. Pick her up at the airport. Don’t whine about it, just do it.
  38. If you want to break up with her, break up with her. Don’t act like a complete jerk until she does it for you.
  39. Don’t tell her you love her if you don’t.
  40. Tell her you love her if you do. Often.
  41. Always, always suck up to her brother.
  42. Think boxers.
  43. Silk boxers.
  44. Remember Valentine’s Day, and any cheesy “anniversary” she so names.
  45. Don’t try to change the way she dresses.
  46. Her haircut is never bad.
  47. Don’t let your friends pick on her.
  48. Call.
  49. Don’t lie.
  50. The rules are never fair. Accept this without question.

The fact that she has to go through labor while you sit in the waiting room on your ass smoking cigars isn’t fair either, and it balances everything.

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Microsoft Built Cars Jokes Times

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, “If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 mi/gal.”

Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement, “Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?”

IF MICROSOFT BUILT CARS…..

  1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
  2. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
  3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too.
  4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought “Car95” or “CarNT”. But, then you would have to buy more seats.
  5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive – but would only run on 5 percent of the roads.
  6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.
  7. The oil, gas, and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single “general car fault” warning light.
  8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
  9. The airbag system would say “are you sure?” before going off.
  10. If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.

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