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Time

Tractor Dealer

Jun 5, 2021

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Farmer John had just walked into the local watering hole, when who should he see, but his old friend Chris the tractor salesman sitting up at the bar.

Chris looked so down and dejected, that John just had to go up and say something to him. “Say, Chris, how ya doing? How’s the tractor selling business these days?”

If Chris had looked sad before, at the mention of tractor sales, his face sank even more, and a tear came to his eye.

“John,” he said, shaking his head, “I don’t know what it is. I can’t sell a tractor these days to save my life. I’ll tell you, I just gotta sell one tractor and soon, or else I’ll lose that dealership for good.”

“Well,” John said, taking the barstool next to him, “If you think you got it bad, I got it worse. Now you listen to this….” “I went out to the barn the other morning to milk Bessy. That ol’ cow gets more ornery as the years go by.

Anyway, no sooner did I sit down on the milking stool and get to work, but ol’ Bes starts a slappin’ me with her tail. After a minute or so, I got fed up with it, so I threw a rope up over the rafters, and tied ol’ Bessy’s tail to the rafters.

Then I got back to work.” “I didn’t even get two squirts into the bucket, when Bes gives me a kick. Knocked me clean off the stool! Boy, did that upset me! So I get me another rope an’ tie Bessy’s right hind leg to the side of the milking stall, and get a started trying to milk her again.”

“Well by this time, Bessy’s about livid, and she doesn’t want any part of it, so she let’s me have it with her other hind leg. I wasn’t about to give in to this ol’ cow, so I got me yet another piece of rope and tied up Bessy’s left leg to the other side of the stall.”

Just then John paused to take a sip his beer. Chris, distracted for a moment from his own troubles, asked John, “Well, did you finally get to milk her?” “Well, yes and no, Chris. But I’ll tell ya what… If you can convince my wife that I was out there to MILK that cow, I’ll BUY a tractor from ya….!”

Execution

Jun 5, 2021

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Three men are about to be executed for crimes. Two guards bring the first man forward, and the executioner asks if he has any last requests. He says no, and the executioner shouts, “Ready… Aim…” Suddenly the first man yells, “Earthquake!” Everyone is startled and lie flat on the floor. During this time, the first man that was suppose to be executed, free himself and ran away.

After the commotion, the executioner then realise that the man had escaped and they are unable to find him. So he proceed to execution. The guards bring in the second man. The executioner asks if he has any last request, and he replies no. The executioner then shouts “Ready… Aim…” Suddenly, the second man screams, “Tornado!” Yet again, everyone is startled and lie flat onto the ground and protect themselves. During this time, the second man also free himself and ran away.

Soon after the commotion, the executioner realise again that the second man had escaped and they are unable to find him. So he proceed with the execution again. The guards then bring in the third man. The executioner asks if he has any last request, and he replies no. The executioner then shouts “Ready… Aim…” Suddenly, the third man shouts, “FIRE!”

I Wanna Be Weighed

Jun 5, 2021

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The young playboy took a blind date to an amusement park. They went for a ride on the Ferris wheel. The ride completed, she seemed rather bored.

“What would you like to do next?” he asked.

“I wanna be weighed,” she said. So the young man took her over to the weight guesser.

“One-twelve,” said the man at the scale, and he was absolutely right.

Next they rode the roller coaster. After that, he bought her some popcorn and cotton candy, then he asked what else she would like to do.

“I wanna be weighed,” she said.

I really latched onto a square one tonight, thought the young man, and using the excuse he had developed a headache, he took the girl home.

The girl’s mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked, “What’s wrong, dear, didn’t you have a nice time tonight?”

“Wousy,” said the girl.

Fifty Years of Savings

Jun 5, 2021

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The 75-year-old groom, with the young wife, caused a lot of attention as he checked into the resort hotel. The following morning, the old boy came strutting into the dining room, lookin’ great with a big smile on his face. He proceeded to order an enormous breakfast. He laughed and joked and was in obvious good spirits, whereas his young wife, who came into the room a half hour later, looked worn out. She ordered coffee in a voice so weak the waiter had to ask her to repeat the order.

The old man finished his breakfast, excused himself and left for their room.

This gave the waitress a chance to ask the bride, “Honey, I can’t figure it out. The old geezer, your husband, looks like a million and you look like two cents. What’s wrong?”

“That guy double-crossed me,” the bride said. “He told me he’d saved up for fifty years! And all the time I thought he was talking about money.

Walking the Dog

Jun 5, 2021

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A little girl asked her Mom, “Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?”

Mom replies, “No, because she is in heat.”

“What’s that mean?” asked the child.

“Go ask your father. I think he’s in the garage.”

The little girl goes to the garage and says, “Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you.”

Dad said, “Bring Belle over here.”

He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog’s backside with it to disguise the scent, and said “OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block.”

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, “Where ‘s Belle?”

The little girl said, “She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home.”

Male or Female

Jun 5, 2021

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A scientist had previously been a sailor. He was very aware that ships are addresses as “she” and “her”. He often wondered what gender computers should be addressed. To answer that question, he set up two group of computer experts.

The first group was composed of women, and the second of men. Each group was asked to recommend whether computer should be referred to in the feminine gender, or the masculine gender. They were asked to give 4 reasons for their recommendations.

The group of women reported that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:

In order to get their attention you have to turn them on.
They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are
the problem.
As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a
little longer you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, concluded that computers should be referred to in the feminine gender because:

No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half of your paycheck on accessories for it.