John and Mary visit their doctor for marriage counseling. The doctor gets up and hugs Mary, and sit down. He gets up again, and hugs Mary a second time, then a third time.
He then turns to John and says, “See that, John. Mary needs that everyday!”
John Replies, “Well, that’s fine, Doctor. But I can’t bring her over here on Tuesday and Friday as I’m playing golf on these days.”
“Tomorrow I’m getting married for the fourth time,” said Joe happily.
“What happened to your first three wives?” asked his friend Jeff.
“My first wife ate poison mushrooms,” replied Joe.
“How terrible!” exclaimed Jeff. “And your second wife?”
“She ate poison mushrooms.”
“And your third ate poison mushrooms, too?” asked Jeff.
“Oh, no. She died of a broken neck.” stated Joe.
“I see, an accident.” replied Jeff.
“Not exactly,” said Joe. “She wouldn’t eat her mushrooms.”
A lady was expecting the plumber. He was supposed to come at ten o’clock.
Ten o’clock came and went, no plumber. Eleven o’clock, twelve o’clock, one o’clock, no plumber.
She concluded he wasn’t coming, and went out to do some errands.
While she was out, the plumber arrived. He knocked on the door, the lady’s parrot, who was at home in a cage by the door, said, “Who is it?”
He replied, “It’s the plumber.”
He thought it was the lady who’d said, “Who is it?” and waited for her to come and let him in.
When this didn’t happen he knocked again, and again the parrot said, “Who is it?”He said, “It’s the plumber!”
He waited, and again the lady didn’t come to let him in. He knocked again, and again the parrot said, “Who is it?”
He said, “It’s the plumber!!!!!!!!” Again he waited; again she didn’t come, again he knocked; again the parrot said, “Who is it?”, “Aarrrrrrgggggghhhhhhh!!!” he said.
Flying into a rage, he pushed the door in and ripped it off its hinges. He suffered a heart attack and he fell dead in the doorway.
The lady came home from her errands, only to see the door ripped off its hinges and a corpse lying in the doorway.
“A dead body!” she exclaimed, “Who is it?!” The parrot said, “It’s the plumber.”
The horse’s trainer meets the jockey before the race and says,
“All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, ‘ALLLLEEE OOOP!’ really loudly in the horse’s ear. Providing you do that, you’ll be fine.”
The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command.
The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer’s ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.
They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers “Aleeee ooop” in the horse’s ear. The same thing happens, the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.
At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, It’s no good, I’ll have to do it, and yells, “ALLLEEE OOOP!” really loudly.
Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.
The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, “Nothing is wrong with me, it’s this bloody horse. What is he, deaf or something?”
The trainer replies, “Deaf?? DEAF?? He’s not deaf, he is just BLIND!”
Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the big table he looks into his small bowl. It is empty. “Who’s been eating my porridge?”he squeaks.
Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl, and it is also empty. “Who’s been eating my Porridge?”he roars.
Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, “For God’s sake, how many times do we have to go through this? It was Momma Bear who got up first, it was Momma Bear who woke everyone in the house, it was Momma Bear who made the coffee, it was Momma Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away, it was Momma Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper, it was Momma Bear who set the table, it was Momma Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box, and filled the cat’s water and fooddish, and, now that you’ve decided to drag your sorry bear-butts downstairs, and grace Momma Bear’s kitchen with your grumpy presence….. listen good, cause I’m only going to say this one more time
“I HAVEN’T MADE THE DAMN PORRIDGE YET!!!”
One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of their rascally behavior that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out. So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time.
When she returned, she told God, “Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and 5% are not. He thought for a moment and said, “Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion.” So God called another angel and sent her to Earth for a time too.
When the angel returned she went to God and said, “Yes, the Earth is in decline. 95% are misbehaving and 5% are being good.”
God was not pleased. So He decided to E-mail the 5% that were good because He wanted to encourage them and give them a little something to help them keep going.
Do you know what that E-mail said?
You didn’t get one either, huh?
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