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Time

Marriage Counseling

Jun 5, 2021

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After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling.

They had been at each other’s throat for some time and felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the counselor’s office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion.

“What seems to be the problem?” Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. On the other hand, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage.

After 5 – – 10 – – 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless.

He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened. The counselor spoke to the husband, “Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!”

The husband scratched his head and replied, “I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays.”

Baby Airplanes

Jun 5, 2021

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A mother and her very young son were flying Southwest Airlines fromKansas City to Chicago. The little boy (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, “If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big airplanes have baby airplanes?”

The mother (who couldn’t think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess.

So the boy went down the aisle and asked the stewardess. Thestewardess, who was very busy at the time, smiled and said, “Did your Mom tell you to ask me?”

The boy said, “yes she did.”

“Well, then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby airplanes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your Mom explain that to you.”

Saturday Afternoon

Jun 5, 2021

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One Saturday afternoon the grasshopper, the snail, and the centipede were sitting around the grasshopper’s house drinking beer. They ran out of beer before they were ready to quit drinking, so they decided one of them should go out for more.

The snail said, “I’d go, but I’m kinda slow. Besides, grasshopper, this is your neighbourhood so you know where to go.” The grasshopper said, “I don’t mind going, but my hopping will shake up the beer and we’ll get sprayed every time we open one.”

So they decided to send the centipede and the grasshopper explained how to get to the nearest liquor store.

An hour or so passed and still the centipede hadn’t returned, so the snail and the grasshopper decided to go look for him. They got as far as the the front door and found the centipede sitting there putting on his shoes.

Give Me a Push

Jun 5, 2021

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A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it’s half past three in the morning. “I’m not getting out of bed at this time”, he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows.

“Aren’t you going to answer that?” says his wife.

So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn’t take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.

“Hi there.” slurs the stranger, “Can you give me a push??”

“No, get lost, it’s half past three. I was in bed.” says the man and slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says,

“Dave, that wasn’t very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man’s house to get us started again? What would have happened if he’d told us to get lost??”

“But the guy was drunk.” says the husband.

“It doesn’t matter.” says the wife. “He needs our help and it would be the nice thing to help him.”

So the husband out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts:

“Hey, do you still want a push??” and he hears a voice cry out “Yeah please.”

So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts: “Where are you?”

And the stranger replies: “I’m over here, on your swing.”

Tractor Dealer

Jun 5, 2021

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Farmer John had just walked into the local watering hole, when who should he see, but his old friend Chris the tractor salesman sitting up at the bar.

Chris looked so down and dejected, that John just had to go up and say something to him. “Say, Chris, how ya doing? How’s the tractor selling business these days?”

If Chris had looked sad before, at the mention of tractor sales, his face sank even more, and a tear came to his eye.

“John,” he said, shaking his head, “I don’t know what it is. I can’t sell a tractor these days to save my life. I’ll tell you, I just gotta sell one tractor and soon, or else I’ll lose that dealership for good.”

“Well,” John said, taking the barstool next to him, “If you think you got it bad, I got it worse. Now you listen to this….” “I went out to the barn the other morning to milk Bessy. That ol’ cow gets more ornery as the years go by.

Anyway, no sooner did I sit down on the milking stool and get to work, but ol’ Bes starts a slappin’ me with her tail. After a minute or so, I got fed up with it, so I threw a rope up over the rafters, and tied ol’ Bessy’s tail to the rafters.

Then I got back to work.” “I didn’t even get two squirts into the bucket, when Bes gives me a kick. Knocked me clean off the stool! Boy, did that upset me! So I get me another rope an’ tie Bessy’s right hind leg to the side of the milking stall, and get a started trying to milk her again.”

“Well by this time, Bessy’s about livid, and she doesn’t want any part of it, so she let’s me have it with her other hind leg. I wasn’t about to give in to this ol’ cow, so I got me yet another piece of rope and tied up Bessy’s left leg to the other side of the stall.”

Just then John paused to take a sip his beer. Chris, distracted for a moment from his own troubles, asked John, “Well, did you finally get to milk her?” “Well, yes and no, Chris. But I’ll tell ya what… If you can convince my wife that I was out there to MILK that cow, I’ll BUY a tractor from ya….!”

Execution

Jun 5, 2021

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Three men are about to be executed for crimes. Two guards bring the first man forward, and the executioner asks if he has any last requests. He says no, and the executioner shouts, “Ready… Aim…” Suddenly the first man yells, “Earthquake!” Everyone is startled and lie flat on the floor. During this time, the first man that was suppose to be executed, free himself and ran away.

After the commotion, the executioner then realise that the man had escaped and they are unable to find him. So he proceed to execution. The guards bring in the second man. The executioner asks if he has any last request, and he replies no. The executioner then shouts “Ready… Aim…” Suddenly, the second man screams, “Tornado!” Yet again, everyone is startled and lie flat onto the ground and protect themselves. During this time, the second man also free himself and ran away.

Soon after the commotion, the executioner realise again that the second man had escaped and they are unable to find him. So he proceed with the execution again. The guards then bring in the third man. The executioner asks if he has any last request, and he replies no. The executioner then shouts “Ready… Aim…” Suddenly, the third man shouts, “FIRE!”