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Microsoft Technician at Shooting Range

Jun 4, 2021

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Microsoft Technician at Shooting Range Jokes Times

It was decided by Microsoft during a brilliant brainstorming session that military service would improve the skills and discipline of their finest technician. So off to boot camp he went.

At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle, and bullets. He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target.

The Microsoft tech looked at his rifle and then at the target again. “Hmmm.,” he thought, “I’ll get to the bottom of this in no time.”

He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again. He pointed his still loaded rifle at the ground in front of him and fired. A cloud of dust kicked up, and a little dimple was left there in the dust.

“Yep, it’s working,” he concluded.

The technician yelled out to the others at the target end, “The rifle is in working order, and the bullet seems to be leaving this end just fine. The trouble must be at your end!”

Secret Box

Jun 4, 2021

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Never before had Sue looked in the box that her husband kept under their bed. The box had been there for the past 20 years of their marriage but she had never invaded his privacy.

One day, while cleaning, she decided to take a look in the box. She didn’t figure it was anything he was hiding since she could have looked at it any other time but hadn’t.

In the box she found 3 eggs and 10 thousand dollars. This seemed very strange so she went to Fred and asked, “Why are there 3 eggs in a box under out bed?” Fred replied, “Well, to be frank. Every time I was unfaithful to you, I put an egg in the box.” Sue was surprised and hurt that he had been unfaithful but she consoled herself with the fact that they had been married for over 20 years and he had only been unfaithful 3 times.

After calming down, Sue asked, “But what about the 10 thousand dollars, where did that came from?” Fred replies, “Well, every time I got a dozen, I sold them.”

Home Remedies

Jun 4, 2021

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If you are choking on an ice cube, don’t panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.
Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.
High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep when you hit the snooze button.
If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
Have a bad toothache? Hit your thumb with a hammer, then you will forget about the toothache.
Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
AND….. Sometimes we just need to remember what The Rules of Life really are: You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn’t move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn’t, use the duct tape.
If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!
And finally… Be really good to your family and friends. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.

Goodbye Daddy

Jun 4, 2021

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A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying:’God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and goodbye Grandpa.’ The father asked, ‘Why did you say goodbye Grandpa?’ The little girl said, ‘I don’t know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do.’

The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this: ‘God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma.’

The next day the grandmother died. ‘Holy **** ‘ thought the father,this kid is in contact with the other side. Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say: ‘God bless Mommy and goodbye Daddy.’

He practically went into shock. He couldn’t sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally, midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said ‘I’ve never seen you work so late,what’s the matter?’

He said ‘I don’t want to talk about it; I’ve just spent the worst day of my life.’

She said, ‘You think you had a bad day, you’ll never believe what happened to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!

Unlucky Nun

Mar 11, 2021

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There was a guy in a bar one night that got really drunk. I mean really, really, really drunk.

When the bar closed he got up to go home. As he stumbled out the door he saw a nun walking on the sidewalk.

So he stumbled over to the nun and punched her in the face. Well the nun was really surprised but before she could do or say anything he punched her again.

This time she fell down and he stumbled over to her and kicked her in the butt.

Then he picked her up and threw her into a wall. By this time the nun was pretty weak and couldn’t move.

So then he stumbled over to her, put his face right next to hers and said. “Not very strong tonight, are you Batman?”