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Time

Before and After You Fall in Love

Jun 6, 2021

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Before and After You Fall in Love Jokes Times

Before – You take my breath away
After – I feel like I’m suffocating

Before – Twice a night
After – Twice a month

Before – She says she loves the way I take control of a situation
After – She called me a controlling, manipulative, egomaniac

Before – Lucy and Ricky
After – Fred and Ethyl

Before – Saturday Night Fever
After – Monday Night Football

Before – Don’t stop
After – Don’t start

Before – Is that all your having?
After – Maybe you should have just a salad, honey

Before – Its like I’m living In a dream
After – Its like he lives In a dorm

Before – $60/doz.
After – $1.50/stem

Before – Turbo charged
After – Jump start

Before – We agree on everything
After – Doesn’t she have a mind of her own?

Before – Victoria Secret
After – Fruit of the Loom

Before – Charming and Noble
After – Chernobyl

Before – Feathers and handcuffs
After – Ball and chain

Before – Idol
After – Idle

Before – I love a woman with curves
After – I never said you were fat

Before – He’s completely lost without me
After – Why won’t he ever ask for directions?

Before – Time stood still
After – This relationship Is going nowhere

Before – Croissant and cappuccino
After – Bagel and instant

Before – You look so seductive In black
After – Your clothes are so depressing

Before – Oysters
After – Fishsticks

Before – I can hardly believe we found each other
After – I can’t believe I ended up with someone like you

Before – Passion
After – Ration

Before – Once upon a time
After – The end

Microsoft vs GM

Jun 6, 2021

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At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: “If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon.”

In response to Bill’s comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:

If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have tobuy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, andyou would just accept this, restart and drive on.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought “Car95” or “CarNT.” But then you would have to buy more seats.

6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five per cent of the roads.

7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single “general car default” warning light.

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

9. The airbag system would say “Are you sure?” before going off.

10. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.

11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car’s performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.

12. Every time GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

13. You’d press the “start” button to shut off the engine.

Remarry if I Died

Jun 6, 2021

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A wife asks her husband, “Honey, if I died, would you remarry?”

After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would. We all need companionship.”

“If I died and you remarried,” the wife asks, “would she live in this house?”

“We’ve spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want it. I’m not going to get rid of my house. I guess she would.”

“If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house,” the wife asks, “would she sleep in our bed?”

“Well, the bed is brand new, and it cost us $2,000. It’s going to last a long time, so I guess she would.”

“If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house and slept in our bed, would she use my golf clubs?”

“Oh, no,” the husband replies. “She’s left-handed.”

Aussie Flight Simulator

Jun 6, 2021

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This is supposedly a true story from a recent Defence Science Lectures Series, as related by the head of the Australian DSTO’s Land Operations/Simulation division.

They’d been working on some really nifty virtual reality simulators, the case in point being to incorporate Armed Reconnaissance Helicopters into exercises (from the data fusion point of view). Most of the people they employ on this sort of thing are ex- (or future) computer game programmers. Anyway, as part of the reality parameters, they include things like trees and animals. For the Australian simulation they included kangaroos. In particular, they had to model kangaroo movements and reactions to helicopters (since hordes of disturbed kangaroos might well give away a helicopter’s position).

Being good programmers, they just stole some code (which was originally used to model infantry detachment reactions under the same stimuli), and changed the mapped icons, the speed parameters, etc. The first time they demonstrated this to some visiting Americans, the hotshot pilots decided to get “down and dirty” with the virtual kangaroos. So, they buzzed them, and watched them scatter. The visiting Americans nodded appreciatively… then gaped as the kangaroos ducked around a hill, and launched about two dozen Stinger missiles at the hapless helicopter. The programmers looked rather embarrassed at forgetting to remove *that* part of the infantry coding… and the Americans left muttering comments about not wanting to mess with the Aussie wildlife….

As an addendum, simulator pilots from that point onwards avoided kangaroos like the plague, just like they were meant to do in the first place….

The Bar Bet

Jun 6, 2021

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There was this guy who went into a bar. He went up to the bartender and said, “Bartender, are you a bettin’ man?”

The bartender replied, “Certainly! I’m ALWAYS a bettin’ man!” To which the man said, “I’ll bet you $50 that I can lick my right eye.”

The bartender thought about this a while and finally agreed to the bet. The man reached up and pulled out his glass right eye and licked it. The bartender groaned and begrudgingly gave the man his $50 telling him to leave his bar.

A week or so later, the same man appeared in the bar. He went up to the bartender and said, “Bartender, are you still a bettin’ man?” The bartender replied, “Certainly! I told you I’m ALWAYS a bettin’ man!” To which the man said, “I’ll bet you $100 that I can bite my left eye.”

Well, the bartender thought he had him on this one! There was no way that he had TWO glass eyes so the bartender agreed. The man reached up to his mouth, pulled out his dentures and clicked them on his left eye. The bartender moaned and paid the man his $100 telling him to get out of his bar.

A week or so later, the same man ventured into the bar again. He went up to the bartender and said, “Bartender, are you still a bettin’ man?” The bartender said, although with a little caution this time, “Certainly! I told you I’m ALWAYS a bettin’ man!” To which the man said, “Give me a shot of whiskey.” The bartender poured the man a shot and he drank it down. Slamming the glass on the bar he said, “I’ll bet you $500 that you can spin me around on this bar stool and I can piss in that glass right where it lays and not miss a drop.”

Well, the bartender’s eyes lit up. Here was one time that he was certain that he would win! “Agreed!” he cried. Coming out from around the bar, he grabbed onto the man’s bar stool and spun it as hard as he could.

Well, the man just let loose and piss flew EVERYPLACE! Not so much as one drop even came close to the glass and the bartender was soaked. When he was done, the bartender was laughing and laughing and holding out his hand. The man pulled out his wallet and gave him his $500. But the bartender was puzzled and as he was wiping off his face, he asked the man, “Why did you bet me $500 that you could piss in that shot glass on the bar when you had to have known there wasn’t any possible way to do it??”

The man just smiled and told him, “You may have won $500 off me but I bet that guy over in the corner $10,000 that I could piss all over you and your bar and you would just laugh!”

Poor Turtle

Jun 6, 2021

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A little turtle begins to climb a tree slowly. After long hours of effort, he reaches the top, jumps into the air waving his front legs, until reaches heavily into the ground with a hard knock over his shell.

After recovering his consciousness, he starts to climb the tree again, jumps again, and knocks the ground heavily again. The little turtle insisted again and again after each knock, while a couple of birds sitting at the edge of a branch, looking the turtle with pain..suddenly the female bird says to the male: “Hey dear, I think it’s time to tell our little turtle he is adopted.”