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Deaf Newlyweds

Jun 4, 2021

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Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can’t see each other using sign language.

After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. “Honey,” she signs, “Why don’t we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time.

If you don’t want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time.” The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, “Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don’t want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis……fifty times!”

Dictionary of Dating

Jun 4, 2021

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ATTRACTION – the act of associating horniness with a particular person.

LOVE AT 1st SIGHT – what occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.

DATING – the process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don’t especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.

BIRTH CONTROL – avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, and dating repulsive men.

EASY – a term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.

EYE CONTACT – a method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many woman have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman’s eyes are not located in her chest.

FRIEND – a member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.

INDIFFERENCE – a woman’s feeling towards a man, which is interpreted to by the man as “playing hard to get.”

INTERESTING – a word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking.

IRRITATING HABIT – what the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.

LAW OF RELATIVITY – how attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is.

NYMPHOMANIAC – a man’s term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does.

SOBER – a condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love

Chemical Information for Woman/Man

Jun 4, 2021

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Chemical Information for Woman:Man Jokes Times

Element: WOMEN

Symbol: Wo

Atomic Weight: 120 (more or less, usually more)

Physical Properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may
freeze anytime. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not
used well.

Chemical Properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong
affinity to gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when
left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns
slightly green when placed next to a better specimen. Ages rapidly.

Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of
wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.

Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.

============================================

Element: MAN

Symbol: XY

Atomic Weight: 180+/-100

Physical Properties: Solid at room temperature but gets bent out of
shape. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure
sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity
as easily as young fresh samples.

Chemical Properties: Attempts to bond with Wo any chance it can get.
Also, tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when
mixed with Kd (element Kid) for prolonged period of time. Pretty
basic. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.

Usage: None really, except carrying shopping bags.

Caution: In the absence of Wo, this element rapidly decomposes and
begins to smell.

Talented Hamster

Jun 4, 2021

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A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender if he will give him a free beer if he shows him something amazing. The bartender agrees, so the guys pulls out a hamster, who begins dancing and singing “Tuff Enuff” by the Fabulous Thunderbirds.

“That IS amazing!” says the bartender and gives the guy his free beer. “If I show you something else amazing, will you give me another beer?” The bartender agrees, so the guy pulls out a small piano and a hamster and a frog.

Now the hamster plays the piano while the frog dances and sings “You Ain’t Seen Nothing Yet” by Bachman-Turner Overdrive.

The bartender, completely wowed, gives him another beer. A man in a suit, who’s been watching the entire time, offers to buy the frog for a princely sum, which the man agrees to. “Are you nuts?” asks the bartender.

“You could’ve made a fortune off that frog.” “Can you keep a secret?” asks the man. “The hamster’s a ventriloquist.”

Janitor or Millionaire

Jun 4, 2021

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Closer Than You Think!

An unemployed man goes to apply for a job with Microsoft as a janitor. The manager there arranges for him to take an aptitude test (Section: Floors, sweeping and cleaning).

After the test, the manager says, “You will be employed at minimum wage, $5.15 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address, so that I can send you a form to complete and tell you where to report for work on your first day. Taken aback, the man protests that he has neither a computer nor an e-mail address. To this the MS manager replies, “Well, then, that means that you virtually don’t exist and can therefore hardly expect to be employed.

Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having only $10 in his wallet, he decides to buy a 25 lb flat of tomatoes at the supermarket. Within less than 2 hours, he sells all the tomatoes individually at 100% profit. Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 before going to sleep that night. And thus it dawns on him that he could quite easily make a living selling tomatoes. Getting up early every day and going to bed late, he multiplies his profits quickly.

After a short time he acquires a cart to transport several dozen boxes of tomatoes, only to have to trade it in again so that he can buy a pick-up truck to support his expanding business. By the end of the second year, he is the owner of a fleet of pick-up trucks and manages a staff of a hundred former unemployed people, all selling tomatoes.

Planning for the future of his wife and children, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. At the end of the telephone conversation, the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order to send the final documents electronically. When the man replies that he has no e-mail, the adviser is stunned, “What, you don’t have e-mail? How on earth have you managed to amass such wealth without the Internet, e-mail and e-commerce? Just imagine where you would be now, if you had been connected to the Internet from the very start!”

After a moment of thought, the tomato millionaire replied, “Why, of course! I would be a floor cleaner at Microsoft!”

Moral of this story:

1. The Internet, e-mail and e-commerce do not need to rule your life.
2. If you don’t have e-mail, but work hard, you can still become a millionaire.
3. Since you got this story via e-mail, you’re probably closer to becoming a janitor than you are to becoming a millionaire.
4. If you do have a computer and e-mail, you have already been taken to the cleaners by Microsoft.

50 Rules for Men

Jun 4, 2021

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A Woman’s 50 Rules for Men

For those of you who are guys, pay close attention to the following:

Call.
Don’t lie.
Never tape any of her body parts together.
If guys’ night out is going to be fun, invite the girls.
If guys’ night out is going to involve strippers, remember the zoo rules: No petting.
The correct answer to, “Do I look fat?”, is never, ever, “Yes.”
Ditto for “Is she prettier than me?”
Victoria’s Secret is good. Frederick’s of Hollywood is bad.
Ordering for her is good. Telling her what she wants is bad.
Being attentive is good. Stalking is bad.
“Honey”, “Darling”, and “Sweetheart” are good. “Nag”, “Lardass”, and “Bitch” are bad.
Talking is good. Shouting is bad. Slapping is a felony.
A grunt is seldom an acceptable answer to any question.
None of your ex-girlfriends were ever nicer, prettier, or better in bed.
Her cooking is excellent.
That isn’t an excuse for you to avoid cooking.
Dish soap is your friend.
Hat does not equal shower, aftershave does not equal soap, and warm does not equal clean.
Buying her dinner does not equal foreplay.
Answering “Who was that on the phone?” with “Nobody” is never going to end that conversation.
Ditto for “Whose lipstick is this?”
Two words: clean socks.
Believe it or not, you’re probably not more attractive when you’re drunk.
Burping is not sexy.
You’re wrong.
You’re sorry.
She is probably less impressed by your discourse on your cool car than you think she is.
Ditto for your discourse on football.
Ditto for your ability to jump up and hit any awning in a single bound.
“Will you marry me?” is good. “Let’s shack up together” is bad.
Don’t assume PMS is the cause for every bad mood.
Don’t assume PMS doesn’t exist.
No means No. Yes means Yes. Silence could mean anything she feels like at that particular moment in time, and it could change without notice.
“But, we kiss…” is not justification for using her toothbrush. You don’t clean plaque with your tongue.
Never let her walk anywhere alone after 11 p.m.
Chivalry and feminism are NOT mutually exclusive.
Pick her up at the airport. Don’t whine about it, just do it.
If you want to break up with her, break up with her. Don’t act like a complete jerk until she does it for you.
Don’t tell her you love her if you don’t.
Tell her you love her if you do. Often.
Always, always suck up to her brother.
Think boxers.
Silk boxers.
Remember Valentine’s Day, and any cheesy “anniversary” she so names.
Don’t try to change the way she dresses.
Her haircut is never bad.
Don’t let your friends pick on her.
Call.
Don’t lie.
The rules are never fair. Accept this without question.