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Time

Nailed

Jun 4, 2021

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Little Zachary was doing poorly in math. His parents, after exhausting all other incentives, finally decided to enroll him in the local Catholic School. After the first day, Little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He went straight to his room and started studying. This continued for some time. His mother was baffled as to why he had become so dedicated.

Finally, Little Zachary brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table and went to his room to study. With great trepidation, his mother looked at it and, to her surprise, Little Zachary go an “A” in math. She asked, “Son, what was it? Was it the nuns, the books, the discipline, the uniforms?”

Little Zachary said, “No!”

“What was it?” she asked.

Little Zachary looked at her and said, “Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the Plus Sign, I knew they weren’t fooling around.”

Great Expectations

Jun 4, 2021

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Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured Princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating ecological issues on the shore of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle. The frog hopped into the Princess’ lap and said: “Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome Prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.

One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back in the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in yon castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so.”

That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sautéed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled to herself and thought: “I don’t think so…”

Men Who Remember

Jun 4, 2021

2 182

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears to be in deep though, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.

“What’s the matter, dear?” she whispers as she steps into the room. “Why are you down here at this time of night?” The husband looks up, “Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17?” he asks solemnly.

The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. “Yes, I do,” she replies. The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. “Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?”

“Yes, I remember,” says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues… “Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, “Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years.” “I remember that too,” she replies softly. He wipes another tear from his cheek and says… “I would have gotten out today!”

The Vet Solves a Problem

Jun 4, 2021

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The only cow in a small Kentucky town stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow just across the state line in Illinois for $200.

They brought the cow from Illinois and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were very happy.

They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow to produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They bought the bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do.

They told the Vet what was happening. “Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An attempt from the side, she walks away to the other side.”

The Vet thought about this for a minute and asked, “Did you by chance, buy this cow in Illinois?”
The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned where they bought the cow. “You are truly a wise Vet,” they said. “How did you know we got the cow in Illinois?”

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, “My wife is from Illinois.”

Deaf Newlyweds

Jun 4, 2021

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Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can’t see each other using sign language.

After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. “Honey,” she signs, “Why don’t we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time.

If you don’t want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time.” The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, “Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don’t want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis……fifty times!”

Dictionary of Dating

Jun 4, 2021

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ATTRACTION – the act of associating horniness with a particular person.

LOVE AT 1st SIGHT – what occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.

DATING – the process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don’t especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.

BIRTH CONTROL – avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, and dating repulsive men.

EASY – a term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.

EYE CONTACT – a method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many woman have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman’s eyes are not located in her chest.

FRIEND – a member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.

INDIFFERENCE – a woman’s feeling towards a man, which is interpreted to by the man as “playing hard to get.”

INTERESTING – a word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking.

IRRITATING HABIT – what the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.

LAW OF RELATIVITY – how attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is.

NYMPHOMANIAC – a man’s term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does.

SOBER – a condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love