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Time

Because I’m a Man

Jun 4, 2021

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Because I’m a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road service until long after hypothermia has set in.

Because I’m a man, when the car isn’t running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I’m looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, “I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn’t know where to start.” We will then drink beer.

Because I’m a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn’t a problem.

Because I’m a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

Because I’m a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator).

Because I’m a man, I don’t think we’re all that lost, and no, I don’t think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger? I mean, how the hell could he know where we’re going anyway?

Because I’m a man, there is no need to ask me what I’m thinking about. The answer is always either sex or sports. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don’t bother to ask me

Because I’m a man, you don’t have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you cried at the end of it, I didn’t.

Because I’m a man, I think what you’re wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it — looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

Because I’m a man, and this is, after all, the year 2001, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the gardening, the cleaning, the vacuuming, the shopping and the dishes, and I’ll do the rest.

Birthday Party

Jun 4, 2021

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This lady is giving a party for her granddaughter, and has gone all out. She had a caterer, band, and a hired clown.

Just before the party starts, two bums show up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman tells them that they can get a meal if they will chop some wood out back. Gratefully, they head to the rear of the house.

Guests arrive, and all is going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown has not shown up and she unsuccessfully tries to entertain the children herself. She happens to look out the window and sees one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn.

She watches in awe as he swings from tree branches, does midair flips, and leaps high in the air. She speaks to the other bum and says, “What you friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing.

Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!”

The bum replies, “Well, I dunno. HEY WILLIE! FOR $50. WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?”

If AOL were a City

Jun 4, 2021

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If AOL were a City

– You’d live in a place where no two people had the same name, and all were h0t 17/f cheerleaders with a fetish for pierced gay Dobermans in spandex.

– You’d only pay $19.95 a month to live there, but half the time you tried to leave your house, the door would be stuck.

– Once you got outside, even if you were in a hurry, you’d be assaulted by slimy little door-to-door sales creeps offering you great AOL 14.4 modems for only $399.99

– The commute to work is just a double-click away, but every time you try to leave your driveway, the flow of traffic knocks you back into your yard.

– 48 hours after moving in, your mailbox would be overflowing with special offers, promotions and offers from www.girlies.com

– The local post office would tell your mother you’re not a known resident.

– The local post office wouldn’t forward your mail to you when you moved.

– The administration would kick you out of town for cursing after one of those brutal toe stubs.

– If you saw a crime and called 911, they’d reply a week later with a form letter saying how “really important you are to us.”

– The administration would tell your boss to either pay up, or move his slack-ass company somewhere else.

– Everyone on the street would have something to do with kiddy porn, and this business would account for 75% of all city revenue.

– Every time you went to the mall, people would run up to you and violently scream, “M/F??!!,” AGE/SEX?!?!, “WHAT ARE YOUR STATS,” or “WANNA GET LUCKY?”

– Those who didn’t do that would call you and say ” Hi, I’m j0e hax0r from the town council. We had a database crash and lost your tax records. Please give us your address and the key to your house or we will be forced to evict you and your family.”

– Every time you went shopping, you’d be kicked out of the store by a bouncer screaming “WE’RE SORRY, THIS STORE IS TEMPORARILY UNAVAILABLE.”

– Whenever you traveled to other cities, people would see your license tag and laugh behind your back.

– Even your 3 year old son would know the intimate personal details of the town security expert.

– You’d occasionally be sent home during your day by another bouncer telling you that the city has performed an illegal operation, but that it’s really the Earth’s fault.

– Half the kids in the daycare you use are thinly disguised fat, hairy, drooling, diapered men holding sacks of candy.

– Your daughter would disappear to the No-Tell Motel every night, and you’d foot the bill.

– You’d send your kids to school for history, math and science, but they’d wind up studying ph1shing, one-handed typing, and annoying acronyms.

– You’d not have any idea who your neighbors are, and most new arrivals would move in at night, stuff everyone’s mailbox with crap, and vacate before sunup.

– The administration would secretly sell off chunks of the city’s land, while buying up neighboring cities with imaginary funds.

– The administration would build a huge, state of the art park, and advertise that children can play there free, then suddenly demand money while ripping down the swings and accosting the children playing there.

– Don’t forget the AOL playground, which is locked so that the kiddies cannot get out “for safety reasons,” and then hordes of perverts & pedophiles are allowed in.

– The police would work for free out of some sort of “duty” to the city, but would secretly only be doing it for the free food stamps.

– Upon waking every morning, a voice from above would shout “HEY!! YOU DO WANT AN AOL VISA, DON’T YOU?” To which you say “no.” The voice then replies “OK, I’LL ASK YOU TOMORROW.”

– A trip to the local library would find you a few ancient doom, 2 patches, commercial pics of Pamela Anderson Lee, and a viral copy of PkZip 2.04g.

– Your neighbors would be called to leave on pilgrimages to a mystical land called USENET, where they would bleat the virtues of your fair city.

– Somewhere in another city, David Cassel would be sitting with a telescope trained on City Hall, smiling contentedly.

Drunken Dave

Jun 4, 2021

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Dave came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.

He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke, he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed. ‘Who the hell are you?’, demanded Dave, ‘and what are you doing in my bedroom ?’

The mysterious man answered, ‘This isn’t your bedroom and I’m St Peter.’

Dave was stunned. ‘You mean I’m dead !!! That can’t be, I have so much to live for – and I haven’t said goodbye to my family. . .. You’ve gotto send me back straight away.’

St Peter replied, ‘Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.’

Dave was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.

A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around, pecking the ground.

‘This ain’t so bad’, he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said, ‘So you’re the new hen, How are you enjoying your first day here ?’

‘It’s not so bad’, replies Dave, ‘but I have this strange feeling inside like I’m about to explode.’

‘You’re ovulating’, explained the rooster. ‘Don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before.’

‘Never’, replies Dave.

‘Well just relax and let it happen’.

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg popsout from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time.

When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing thatever happened to him . . . Ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg, he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting…

‘Dave, wake up, you drunken bastard. You’ve crapped the bed!..

Ouch, My Balls Hurts

Jun 4, 2021

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A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom.

A few minutes later, a loud, blood-curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom.

A few minutes after that, another loud scream echo’s through the bar.

The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate what the drunk is screaming about.

The bartender yells, “What’s all the screaming about in there? You’re scaring my customers!”

The drunk responds, “I’m just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls.”

The bartender opens the door and looks in. You idiot! You’re sitting on the mop bucket!

Tommy and Math

Jun 4, 2021

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$Tommy and Math Jokes Times$

Little Tommy was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything; tutors, flash cards, special learning centers, in short, everything they could think of. Finally in a last ditch effort, they took Tommy down and enrolled him in the local Catholic School.

After the first day, little Tommy comes home with a very serious look on his face. He doesn’t kiss his mother hello. Instead, he goes straight to his room and starts studying. Books & papers are spread out all over the room and little Tommy is hard at work. His mother is amazed. She calls him down to dinner and to her shock, the minute he is done he marches back to his room without a word and in no time he is back hitting the books as hard as before.

This goes on for sometime, day after day while the mother tries to understand what made all the difference. Finally, little Tommy brings home his report card. He quietly lays it on the table and goes up to his room and hits the books.

With great trepidation, his Mom looks at it and to her surprise; little Tommy got an A in math. She can no longer hold her curiosity. She goes to his room and says: “Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?” Little Tommy looks at her and shakes his head. “Well then,” she replies, “was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms, WHAT was it?”

Little Tommy looks at her and says, “Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren’t fooling around.”