A non-Christian with zero knowledge in Christianity goes to Vatican for the first time and suddenly meets the Pope in the street. The Pope, the kind person that he really is, took the man aside and explained him all about Christianity for half an hour. When he was done, the non-Christian guy says to him “So Mr. Pope, is your wife a Catholic or a Prostitute?”
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
“Why, of course,” comes the reply.
The first man then asks,”Where are you from?”
“I’m from Ireland,” replies the second man.
The first man responds: “You don’t say, I’m from Ireland too! Let’s have another round to Ireland.”
“Of course,” says the second.
Curious the first asks: “Where in Ireland?”
“Dublin,” comes the reply.
“I can’t believe it, Me too! Lets have another round of drinks to Dublin.”
“Of course”
The second man can’t help himself so he asks,”What school did you go too?”
“Saint Mary’s”, replies the first man. “I graduated in ’62”
“This is becoming unbelievable!!!” They say in union.
About that time, in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. “What’s up?” he asks the bartender.
“Nothing much,” replied the bartender. “The O’Malley twins are drunk again.”
Aunt Bessie loved to visit her nieces and nephews. However, she had relatives all over the country.
The problem was that no matter how much she enjoyed seeing them, she hated flying. No matter how safe people told her it was, she was always worried that someone would have a bomb on the plane.
She read books about how safe it was and listened to the stewardess demonstrate all the safety features. But she still worried herself silly every time a visit was coming up.
Finally, the family decided that maybe if she saw the statistics she’d be convinced. So they sent her to a friend of the family who was an actuary.
“Tell me,” she said suspiciously, “what are the chances that someone will have a bomb on a plane?” The actuary looked through his tables and said, “A very small chance.
Maybe one in five hundred thousand.” She nodded, then thought for a moment. “So what are the odds of two people having a bomb on the same plane?” Again he went through his tables. “Extremely remote,” he said. “About one in a billion.”
Aunt Bessie nodded and left his office. And from that day on, every time she flew, she took a bomb with her.
A father believed that his son was spending way too much time playing computer games. In an effort to motivate the boy into focusing more attention on his schoolwork, the father said to his son…
“When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.”
Without looking up from his game, the boy pointed out, “When Lincoln was your age, he was The President of The United States.”
A boy was taking care of his baby sister while his parents went to town shopping. He decided to go fishing and he had to take her along.
“I’ll never do that again!” he told his mother that evening. “I didn’t catch a thing!”
“Oh, next time I’m sure she’ll be quiet and not scare the fish away,” his mother said.
The boy said, “It wasn’t that. She ate all the bait.”
A businessman taking a seminar on efficiency completed a case study of his wife’s routine for fixing breakfast, and presented the results to the class.
“After a few days of observation, I quickly determined the practices that were robbing her of her precious time and energy,” the man
reported, “taking note of how many trips she made from the kitchen to the dining room carrying just one item, I suggested that in the future she carry several items at a time.”
“Did it work?”, the teacher asked.
“It sure did,” replied the businessman, “instead of taking her 20 minutes to fix my breakfast, it now takes ME just seven.”
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