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Time

Marital Bliss

Jun 5, 2021

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A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquillity had long been the talk of the town.

A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

“Well, it dates back to our honeymoon,” explained the man. “We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule.

We hadn’t gone too far when my wife’s mule stumbled. My wife quietly said “That’s once.”

We proceeded a little farther when the mule stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, “That’s twice.” We hadn’t gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled a third time. My wife promptly removed a revolver from her pocket and shot him.

I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when she looked at me and quietly said “That’s once.”

Woooooo Wooooo

Jun 5, 2021

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There were two Indians and a Cowboy walking along together in the desert when, all of a sudden, one of the Indians took off and ran up a steep hill to the mouth of a cave. He stopped and hollered into the entrance,”Woooooo! Woooooo! and then listened very closely until he heard an answer…”Woooooo! Woooooo!”. He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave. The Cowboy was puzzled and asked the other Indian what that was all about. “Was that Indian goofy or something?”

“No”, said the other Indian. “It is mating time for us Indians and when you see a cave and holler, “Woooooo! Woooooo!” and get an answer back, that means she is in there waiting for you.”

Well, just about that time the other Indian spotted another cave. He took off, ran to the cave, stopped and hollered, “Woooooo! Woooooo!” When he heard a reply, “Woooooo! Woooooo!” off came his clothes and into the cave he goes. The Cowboy started running around the desert looking for a cave to find these women that the Indians had talked about. Suddenly he looked up and saw this great big cave. He was amazed at the size and thought, “Man! It’s bigger than the caves those Indians found. There must be something special in this cave!”

Well, he darted up the hill at great speed with hopes of grandeur. He got in front of the cave and yelled, “Woooooo! Woooooo!”. He was thrilled when he heard the answering call of “Woooooo! Woooooo!”He quickly took off his clothes. With a happy face he raced into the cave.

The headlines in the next day’s newspaper read: Naked Cowboy Run Over By Freight Train!

Cigarette Run

Jun 5, 2021

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A man tells his wife that he’s going out to buy cigarettes. When he gets to the store he finds out it’s closed. So the guy ends up going to the bar to use the vending machine. While there, he has a few beers and begins talking to this beautiful girl. He has a few more beer and the next thing he knows he’s in this girl’s apartment and having quite a pleasurable time. The next thing he know it was 3:00 AM.

“Oh my, god, my wife is going to kill me!” he exclaimed. “Quick give me some
talcum powder!”

She gets him some and he rubs it all over his hands. When he got home his wife is up waiting for him and she’s furious.

“Where the hell have you been!”?

He says, “Well to tell you the truth, I went into a bar, had a few drinks, went home with this lovely lady and I slept with her.”

“Let me see your hands!” she demands. He shows his wife his powdery hands.

“Damn liar, you were out bowling again!”

Missed the Train

Jun 5, 2021

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Blake and his parents were drinking at the bar in a train station when they heard a whistle. The three of them rushed out of the bar onto the platform only discover that they had missed the train. The stationmaster said, “The next train is in one hour.”

The three of them went back into the bar. The parents had another drinks while Blake had a soda. About an hour later, again, they heard a whistle, rushed out and discovered again that the train is pulling away. Again, the stationmaster tell them that the next train will be in another hour.

Again, the three of them went back to the bar, but this time, Blake and his parents decide to order only soda for all of them. About an hour later, Blake with his parents, raced out onto the platform and his parents leaped on the train while the train is about to pull away. Blake was left standing on the platform and began to laugh uproariously. The stationmaster sees this and asked, “Your parents just left you here. Why are you laughing?” Blake replies, “They were suppose to see me off.”

Drinking at Work

Jun 5, 2021

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The below are valid reasons as to why drinking should be allowed at work. If you use them wisely, you may even be able to convince your boss into allowing alcohol.

1. It’s an incentive to show up.
2. It reduces stress.
3. It leads to more honest communications.
4. It reduces complaints about low pay.
5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.
6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
8. It encourages carpooling.
9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don’t care.
10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
11. It makes fellow employees look better.
12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
15. If something does something stupid on the job, it will be quickly forgotten.

Bets for a Living

Jun 5, 2021

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A guy walks into a bar. He sits down at the end of the bar, next to another guy, who was the only patron in the bar when he walked in. He talks to him for about 5 minutes then moves to the other end of the bar. The bar owner walks up to him and asks if he would like a drink. He orders a beer and says, “Man! That guy down there sure does complain alot. He thinks he’s got it rough, but his life is easy!”

The bartender looks at him and says, “Hey, mister! I’ve seen you in here before. You’re in here any day of the week at any time. Just what do you do for a living?”

The guy replies, “I make bets for a living. I’ll show you. I’ll bet you $5 I can bite my right eye!” The bartender looks at him and says, “OK, you’re on.”

The guy takes his glass eye out and clenches it between his teeth.

The bartender says, “I didn’t know you had a glass eye. You win.”

The guy then says, “I’ll let you win your money back. I’ll bet you $5 I can bite my left eye.”

The bartender thinks for a moment and replies, “I know you’re not blind so you can’t have 2 glass eyes. OK, your on!” The guy then proceeds to take his false teeth out of his mouth and clamps them over his left eye. With this, the bartender says, “Hey buddy, you won again.As you can see,I don’t do a lot of business in here. I can’t afford to make any more bets with you.”

The guy replies, “I’ll tell you what. I’ll give you a guaranteed way to win your money back. I’ll bet you $10 that I can walk 6 feet away and pee in this bottle, which I’ll leave here on the bar. I won’t miss a drop. I won’t even hit the rim, it will go right in the bottle.”

After a few minutes of thought, the bartender says, “There’s no way! You’re on!”

The guy walks 6 feet from the bar, drops his pants and pees all over everything. He pees on the bar, the stools and the floor. He doesn’t even come close to hitting the bottle, let alone getting it in the bottle. With this, the bartender starts laughing and exclaims, “Ahah! I knew you couldn’t do it. I won my back my $10!!!” Just then, the guy at the other end of the bar passes out. The bartender looks down at him and says, “What happened to him?”

The guy replies, “Oh, he’ll be alright. I just bet him $1000 that I could piss all over you and your bar and you’d laugh about it.”