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Time

Nurse Goodtime

Jun 5, 2021

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Lori, the pert and pretty Nurse took her troubles to a resident psychiatrist in the hospital where she worked.

“Doctor, you must help me.” she pleaded. “It’s gotten so that every time I date one of the young doctors here, I end up in bed with him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week.” “I see.” nodded the psychiatrist. “And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter.”

“For God’s sake, NO !!!” exclaimed the Nurse. “I want you to fix it so I won’t feel guilty and depressed afterward.”

First Cut is the Deepest

Jun 5, 2021

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Once upon a time, two little boys, Sammy and Tim, were sharing a room in the hospital. As they were getting to know each other a little bit, Sammy eventually asked Tim, “Hey, what’re you in for?”

“I’m getting my tonsils out. I’m a little worried,” said Tim.

“Oh, don’t worry about it,” Sammy said. “I had my tonsils out and it was a blast! I got to eat all the ice cream and Jell-O I wanted for two weeks!”

“Oh yeah?” replied Tim. “That’s not half-bad. So, Sammy, how about you? What’re you here for?”

“I’m getting a circumcision, whatever that is,” Sammy answered.

“Oh my god, circumcision? I got one of those when I was a baby and I couldn’t walk for two years!”

The Horseless Cowboy

Jun 5, 2021

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A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.

He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.

“Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?” he yelled with surprising forcefulness.

No one answered.

“Alright, I’m gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain’t back outside by the time I finish, I’m gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don’t like to have to do what I dun in Texas!”

Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post.

He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, “Say partner, before you go… what happened in Texas?”

The cowboy turned back and said, “I had to walk home.”

Guy Jokes

Jun 5, 2021

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Why do men like smart women?
Opposites attract.

How do men define a “50/50” relationship?
We cook — they eat; we clean — they dirty; we iron — they wrinkle.

How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
Make him wear shoes.

What did God say after creating man?
I can do so much better.

What’s the smartest thing a man can say?
“My wife says…”

Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.

Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?
Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.

Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because none of them will stop to ask for directions.

Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?
When it’s time to go back to his childhood, he’s already there.

The Druggist

Jun 5, 2021

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Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, “It’s the druggist – he insulted me terribly this morning on the phone.” Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.

Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, “Now, just a minute – listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket.

Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook.”

He continued, “Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels – the phone was still ringing – when I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it…half of them hit the floor and broke.

Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife – she wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer, and believe me, Mister, I TOLD HER!

Out Gathering Snails

Jun 5, 2021

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A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the major status figures in Rome, Italy. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn’t have any snails for this dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket she was handing him to gather some snails.

Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself “Wouldn’t it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me.”

He went back to gathering the snails. All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They got to talking, and she invited him back to her place. They were at her apartment a ways down the beach, and they started messing around. It got so hot and heavy, than he was exhausted afterwards and passed out there.

At seven o’clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, “Oh no!!! My wife’s dinner party!!!” He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment.

He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails.

There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he’s been all this time. He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said: “Come on guys, we’re almost there!”