Home Tags Posts tagged with "Time"

Time

The Virgin

Jun 5, 2021

0 194

It’s your first time. As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for awhile searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you. He asks if you’re afraid and you shake your head bravely.

He has had more experience, but it’s the first time his finger has found the right place. He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he’s gentle like he promised he’d be. He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him– he’s done this many times before.

His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance. You begin to lead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues.

He looks at you concerned and asks you if it’s too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake you head and nod for him to go on. He begins moving in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you.

After a few frenzied moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.

You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.

The Gift

Jun 5, 2021

0 200

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for a new sweetheart’s birthday, and after careful consideration he decided that a pair of gloves would strike the right note; romantic, but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart’s younger sister, he went shopping and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister bought a pair of panties for herself.

During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note:

“I chose these because I notice you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it wasn’t for your sister, I would have chosen the longer ones with buttons, but she said the short ones are easier to remove.

These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really nice in them.

I wish I were there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I see you again.

When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away, as naturally they will be a little damp from wearing.

Just think of how many times I will kiss them in the coming year. I hope you will wear them on our date this Friday. I would love to see you in them. All my love.”

Brussels Police

Jun 5, 2021

0 254

“Brussels police department, how may I assist you?”

“Uh.. yes.. I just got hit in the face with a cream pie.”

“Okay, sir. Have you called the Brussels police department before?”

“No”

“Well, let me get a little information about you for our records.
Your name?”

“Bill Gates”

“Country?”

“USA”

“Native language?”

“English”

“Okay, sir. Your police department ID number is BP31415927. Please
use this number the next time you call. Now, you say you were hit in
the face with a pie?”

“Yes, I was just about to meet with the Belgian Prime Minister. One
person distracted me while another hit me with a cream pie.”

“We’ve had other customers report that they were hit in the face with
a custard pie. Are you sure it was a cream pie?”

“Well, I have white stuff all over my face and I don’t see any
custard, so I really don’t think it was a custard pie.”

“Have you visited the Prime Minister before?”

“Yes”

“Were you hit in the face with a pie then?”

“No”

“Hmm… have you visited any other Prime Ministers in the past month?”

“Yes”

“Any pies then?”

“No”

“Okay, well.. let’s try something. Go outside the building and come
in again. I’ll wait.”

“Just a minute..” “Okay, I’m back.”

“Did you get hit by another pie?”

“Of course not”

“Well sir, I don’t know what could have caused the first pie, but it
looks like things are working fine now. I’ll make a note of the
problem, though. If it happens again, please note the exact details
of the situation and call us again. Thank you for calling the
Brussels Police Department. “

Racing Horse

Jun 5, 2021

0 251

A man was sitting quietly reading his paper and enjoying his breakfast peacefully one morning, when suddenly his wife sneaks up behind him and wacks him on the back of his head with a huge frying pan.

Man: “What was that for?”
Wife: “what was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written in it?”
Man: “Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse race? Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on.”

The wife looked all satisfied with the answer and goes off to work around the house.

Three days later, the man is once again sitting in his chair reading and suddenly his wife repeats the frying pan swatting.

Man: “What the hell was that for this time?”
Wife: “Your horse called.”

Ant Adventure

Jun 5, 2021

0 579

Two ants met in a woman’s belly button and decided to explore the rest of her body. Agreeing to meet back in the same place in a week, one ant headed north while the other went south.

Seven days later, they returned to the belly button.

“I had a great time,” reported the ant who ventured north. “There were these two big hills, and every day I went skiing, and at night I slept in this nice warm valley.”

“I had a hell of a time,” sighed the other ant. “First I had to walk through this thick jungle, then I fell down this huge hole, and by the time I climbed out I was so tired that I fell asleep in this smelly cave. But that wasn’t the worst of it! Every night, this giant worm came in and threw up in my face!”

Plans After Your Release

Jun 5, 2021

0 180

Dr. Leroy, the head psychiatrist at the local mental hospital, is examining patients to see if they’re cured and ready to re-enter society.

“So, Mr. Clark,” the doctor says to one of his patients, “I see by your chart that you’ve been recommended for dismissal. Do you have any idea what you might do once you’re released?”

The patient thinks for a moment, then replies, “Well, I went to school for mechanical engineering. That’s still a good field, good money there. But on the other hand, I thought I might write a book about my experience here in the hospital, what it’s like to be a patient here. People might be interested in reading a book like that.

In addition, I thought I might go back to college and study art history, which I’ve grown interested in lately.”

Dr. Leroy nods and says, “Yes, those all sound like intriguing possibilities.”

The patient replies, “And the best part is, in my spare time, I can go on being a teapot.”