Then there was a man who said, “I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late.”
Married life is frustrating. The first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbours listen.
We got off the Titanic first.
We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we crash our computers.
Our boy friend’s clothes make us look elfin and gorgeous – guys look like complete idiots in ours.
We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
We can cry and get off speeding fines.
We’ve never lusted after a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.
Taxis stop for us.
Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.
We don’t look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
Free drinks. Free dinners. Free movies (you get the picture).
We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we’re gay.
We can hug our friends without wondering if WE are gay.
We know The Truth about whether size matters.
New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.
If we have sex with someone and don’t call them the next day, we’re not the devil.
If we’re not making enough money we can blame the glass ceiling.
Nothing crucial can be cut off with one clean sweep (Ouch)
It’s possible to live our whole lives without taking a group shower.
No fashion faux pas we make could rival The Speedo.
We don’t have to fart to amuse ourselves.
If we cheat on our spouse, people assume it’s because we’re being emotionally neglected.
If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her butt.
If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.
We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
If we’re dumb, some people will still find it cute.
We don’t have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to socially fit in.
We have the ability to dress ourselves – and coordinate.
We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked. (Weeeeeelllll…..that depends!)
Our friends won’t think we’re weird if we ask whether there’s spinach in our teeth.
There are times when chocolate really can solve your problems.
Gay waiters don’t make us uncomfortable.
We’ll never regret piercing our ears.
We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark.
When we buy a vibrator it is glamorous. When men buy a blow up doll it’s pathetic.
We’ll never discover we’ve been dumped by a Wonderbra.
If we marry someone 20 years younger, we’re aware that we look like an idiot.
After moving to a new apartment, Sam invited his friends over for a dinner. After the late dinner, Sam proudly showing off his new apartment to his friends.
While he led the way passing the living room, one of his friends asked. “What is the big brass gong and hammer for”. Sam replied, “That is my new talking clock”. His friend asked how it works. Sam said, “Watch”, then he proceed to give the gong an ear shattering pound with the hammer.
Suddenly someone screamed from the other side of the wall… “KNOCK IT OFF, YOU IDIOT! It’s already 11pm.”
Becky was on her deathbed, with her husband Jake at her side. He held her cold hand and tears silently streamed down his face. Her pale lips moved. “Jake,” she said.
“Hush,” he quickly interrupted, “don’t talk.”
But she insisted. “Jake,” she said in her tired voice. “I have to talk. I must confess.”
“There is nothing to confess,” said the weeping Jake. “It’s all right. Everything’s all right.”
“No, no. I must die in peace. I must confess, Jake, that I have been unfaithful to you.”
Jake stroked her hand. “Now Becky, don’t be concerned. I know all about it,” he sobbed. “Why else would I poison you?”
A mother and baby camel are talking one day when the baby camel asks, “Mom why have I got these huge three-toed feet?” The mother replies, “Well son, when we trek across the desert your toes will help you to stay on top of the soft sand”. “OK” said the son.
A few minutes later the son asks, “Mom, why have I got these great long eyelashes?” “They are there to keep the sand out of your eyes on the trips through the desert”, “Thanks Mom” replies the son. After a short while, the son returns and asks, “Mom, why have I got these great big humps on my back?” The mother, now a little impatient with the boy replies, “They are there to help us store fat for our long treks across the desert, so we can go without water for long periods.”
“That’s great mom, so we have huge feet to stop us sinking, and long eyelashes to keep the sand from our eyes and these humps to store water, but Mom …” “Yes son?” “Why the heck are we in the San Diego zoo?”
A boy is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers’ attention, he is yelling, “Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!”
A pastor hears this and asks, “Why are you calling them ‘dam fish.'”
The boy responds, “Because I caught these fish at the local dam.”
The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish.
The wife responds surprised, “I didn’t know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way.”
He explains to her why they are dam fish.
Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish.
He responds, “That’s the spirit, Dad! Now pass the f*cking potatoes!”
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