Saturday, November 23, 2024
Tags Posts tagged with "Newspaper"

Newspaper

Great News Jokes Times

The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door.
“We’re sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife.”

“Well, tell me!” the man said. The policeman said, “We have some bad news, some good news and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?”

Fearing the worse, Mr. Wilkens said, “Give me the bad news first.”

So the policeman said, “I’m sorry to tell you sir, but this morning we found your wife’s body in San Francisco Bay.”
“Oh my god!,” said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, “What’s the good news?”

“Well,” said the policeman, “When we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeoness crabs on her.”

“If that’s the good news than what’s the great news?!”, Mr. Wilkens demanded.

The policeman said, “We’re going to pull her up again tomorrow morning.”

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Contraceptive 98 Jokes Times

News just in of Microsoft’s latest venture: Microsoft Corporation has taken another step toward dominating every aspect of American life with the introduction of Contraceptive 98, a suite of applications designed for users who engage in sex.

Microsoft has been a pioneer in peer-to-peer connectivity and plug and play. It believes these technologies will give it substantial leverage in penetrating the copulation enhancement market.The product addresses two important user concerns: the need for virus protection and the need for a firewall to ensure the non-propagation of human beings.

The Contraceptive 98 suite consists of three products: Condom 98, DeFetus 1.0 (from Sementec), and AIDScan 2.1 (from Norton Utilities). A free copy of Intercourse Explorer 4.0 is bundled in the package. The suite also comes in two expanded versions. Contraceptive 98 Professional is the Client/Server edition, for professionals in the sexual services sector. Contraceptive 98 Small Business Edition is a package for startups, aimed at the housewife and gigolo niches.

While Contraceptive 98 does not address nontraditional copulatory channels, future plug-ins are planned for next year.

OPERATION: Only one node in a peer-to-peer connection needs to install the package.

At installation, the Condom 98 software checks for minimum hardware. If the user meets the requirements, the product installs and is sufficiently scaleable to meet most requirements. After installation, operation commences. One caution is that the user must have sufficient RAM to complete the session. When the session is complete, a disconnect is initiated, and the user gets the message, it is now safe to turn off your partner.

DRAWBACKS: Usability testers report that frequent failures were a major concern during beta testing. General Protection Fault was the most serious error encountered. Early versions had numerous bugs, but most of these have been eliminated. The product needs to be installed each time its used.

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Two Guys in a Bar Jokes Times

Two guys were in a bar, and they were both watching the television when the news came on.

It showed a guy on a bridge who was about to jump, obviously suicidal. “I’ll bet you $10 he’ll jump,” said the first guy. “Bet you $10 he won’t,” said the second guy.

Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge. The second guy hands the first guy the money.

“I can’t take your money,” said the first guy. “I cheated you. The same story was on the five o’clock news.”

“No, no. Take it,” said the second guy. “I saw the five o’clock news too. I just didn’t think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!”

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Extras Extras Read All About It Jokes Times

A newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of paper, yelling, “Read all about it. Fifty people swindled! Fifty people swindled!”

Curious, a man walked over, bought a paper, and checked the front page.

Finding nothing, the man said, “There’s nothing in here about fifty people being swindled.”

The newsboy ignored him and went on, yelling out, “Read all about it, Fifty-one people swindled! Fifty-one people swindled!”

Tailor Knows All Jokes Times

Rich was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his work relationships and social life started to suffer, he sought medical help.

After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem. “The good news is I can cure your headaches…the bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.”

Rich was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he has anything to live for. He couldn’t concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He walked past a men’s clothing store and thought, “That’s what I need: a new suit.” He entered the shop and told the salesman, “I’d like a new suit.”

The salesman eyed him briefly and said, “Let’s see, you’re a 40 Regular.” Rich laughed, “That’s right, how did you know?”

“It’s my job.”

Rich tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Rich admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, “How about a new shirt?” Rich thought for a moment and then said, “Sure…”

The salesman eyed Rich and said, “Let’s see…34 sleeve and…16 and a half neck.” Rich was surprised, “That’s right, how did you know?”

“It’s my job.”

Rich tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Rich adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, “How about new shoes?”

Rich was on a roll and said, “Sure…”

The salesman eyed Rich’s feet and said, “Let’s see…9 and a half.” Rich was astonished, “That’s right, how did you know?”

“It’s my job.”

Rich tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Rich walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, “How about a new hat?”

Without hesitating, Rich said, “Sure!”

The salesman eyed Rich’s head and said, “Let’s see…7 and 5/8ths.” Rich was incredulous, “That’s right, how did you know?”

“It’s my job.”

The hat fit perfectly. Rich was feeling great, when the salesman asked, “How about some new underwear?”

Rich thought for a second and said, “Sure…” The salesman stepped back, eyed Rich’s waist and said, “Let’s see…you are a 38.”

Rich laughed, “No, I’ve worn size 34 since I was 18 years old.”

The salesman shook his head, “You can’t wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache!”

Difference between Teachers and Educators Jokes Times

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man…. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

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