Saturday, April 19, 2025
Tags Posts tagged with "Newspaper"

Newspaper

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Nobody in Hospital Tells Me Anything Jokes Times

Anyone who has ever had a loved one in the hospital will enjoy this:

A woman called a local hospital . . . .

“Hello. Could you connect me to the person who gives information about patients? I’d like to find out if a patient is getting better, doing as expected or getting worse.”

The voice on the other end said, “What is the patient’s name and room number?”

“Sarah Finkel, room 302.”

“I’ll connect you with the nursing station . . . .”

“3-A Nursing Station. How can I help you?”

“I’d like to know the condition of Sarah Finkel in room 302.”

“Just a moment. Let me look at her records. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she’s had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, she is to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and, if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday at noon.”

The woman said, “What a relief! Oh, that’s fantastic . . . that’s wonderful news!”

The nurse said, “From your enthusiasm, I take it you are a close family member or a very close friend!”

“Neither! I AM Sarah Finkel in 302! Nobody here tells me shit!

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Adam Organs Jokes Times

One day The Lord came to Adam to pass on some news.

‘I’ve got some good news and some bad news’, The Lord said.

Adam looked at The Lord and said, ‘Well, give me the good news first.’

Smiling, The Lord explained, ‘I’ve got two new organs for you, one is called a brain. It will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things, and have intelligent conversations with Eve.

The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children.’

Adam, very excited, exclaimed, ‘These are great gifts you have given to me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?’

The Lord looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, ‘The bad news is that when I created you, I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time.’

Flying to Europe Jokes Times

Maudie is flying on a jumbo-jet to Europe. Once in the air the loudspeaker comes on “This is your captain Emilia Rodrigues. We are cruising at 35,000 feet…etc. etc.” When the announcement is finished Maudie beckons to a stewardess and asks, “Is it really true that this great big airplane is being flown by a woman?”

“Yes, says the stewardess, Captain Rodrigues is a woman.”

“How wonderful!” Maudie replied “I am so excited! Do you think you can arrange for me to go up to the cockpit to congratulate her?”

“Yes, I think I can arrange that. You might also like to know that the co-pilot is also a woman.”

“Oh, how exciting. This is wonderful news! Please let me go to the cockpit so I can congratulate them both!”

“OK, you can do that. You might like to know that actually the entire crew of this plane are women.”

“That is the most exciting thing I have heard in a long time …this has really made my day … I just have to go to the cockpit to express my admiration!”

“One more thing you might like to know …we don’t call it the cockpit any more.”

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The Three Bear Fairy Tales Jokes Times

Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the big table he looks into his small bowl. It is empty. “Who’s been eating my porridge?”he squeaks.

Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl, and it is also empty. “Who’s been eating my Porridge?”he roars.

Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, “For God’s sake, how many times do we have to go through this? It was Momma Bear who got up first, it was Momma Bear who woke everyone in the house, it was Momma Bear who made the coffee, it was Momma Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away, it was Momma Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper, it was Momma Bear who set the table, it was Momma Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box, and filled the cat’s water and fooddish, and, now that you’ve decided to drag your sorry bear-butts downstairs, and grace Momma Bear’s kitchen with your grumpy presence….. listen good, cause I’m only going to say this one more time

“I HAVEN’T MADE THE DAMN PORRIDGE YET!!!”

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ID Ten T Error Jokes Times

Young Jane, the editor of a news publication, was having trouble with her computer. So she called Tim, the computer guy, over to her desk.

Tim clicked a couple buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, Jane called after him, “So, what was wrong?”

And he replied, “It was an ID ten T error.”

A puzzled expression ran riot over Jane’s face. “An ID ten T error? What’s that … in case I need to fix it again??”

He gave her a grin… 😉 … “Haven’t you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?”

“No,” replied Jane.

“Write it down,” he said, “and I think you’ll figure it out.”

(She wrote…) I D 1 0 T Error

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True Doctor Stories Jokes TImes

–Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA
One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that the had died of a “massive internal fart.”

–Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada
I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, “Cover your right eye with your hand.” He read the 20/20 line perfectly. Now your left.” Again, a flawless read.Now both,” I requested . There was silence. He couldn’t even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.

–Dr. Matthew The odropolous, Worcester, MA
During a patient’s two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. Which one?” I asked. The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I’m running out of places to put it!” I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn’t see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

–Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA
While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient,I asked, “How long have you been bed-ridden?” After a look of complete confusion she answered Why, not for about twenty years — when my husband was alive.”

–Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR
I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, So,how’s your breakfast this morning?” It’s very good, except for theKentucky Jelly I can’t seem to get used to the taste,” the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled”KY Jelly.”

–Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI
And Finally . . . A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite embarrassed performing female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed him. He looked up from his work and sheepishly said, “I’m sorry. Was I tickling you?”She replied, “No doctor, but the song you were whistling was ‘I wishI was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.”

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