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Money

C Monkey

Jun 5, 2021

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A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there another customer walked in and said to the shopkeeper “I’ll have a C-monkey please”. The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop, and took out a monkey. He fit a collar and leash and handed it to the customer, saying “That’ll be $5000”.

The customer paid and walked out with his monkey. Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, “That was a very expensive monkey most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did it cost so much?”

The shopkeeper answered, “Ah, that monkey can program in C – very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money.”

The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage. “That one’s even more expensive – $10,000! What does it do?” “Oh, that one’s a C++ monkey; it can manage object-oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java. All the really useful stuff,” said the shopkeeper.

The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own.The price tag around its neck read $50,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, “That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?”

The shopkeeper replied, “Well, I haven’t actually seen it do anything, but it says it’s a consultant.”

Boys and Girls Prayers

Jun 5, 2021

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A Girls Prayer:

Lord,
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who’s not a creep,
One who’s handsome, smart and strong,
One who’s willy is thick and long.
One who thinks before he speaks,
When he promises to call, he won’t wait weeks.
I pray that he is gainfully employed,
And when I spend his cash, won’t be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! send me a man who’ll make love to my mind,
Knows just what to say,
when I ask “How big’s my behind?”
One who’ll make love till my body’s a twitchin,
In the hall, the loo, the garden and kitchen!
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And never attempt to shag my best friend.
And as I kneel and pray by my bed,
I look at the creep you sent me instead.
Amen.

A Boy’s Prayer:

Lord,
I pray for a nympho with huge boobs
who owns a beer store.
Amen

The Druggist

Jun 5, 2021

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Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, “It’s the druggist – he insulted me terribly this morning on the phone.” Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.

Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, “Now, just a minute – listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket.

Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook.”

He continued, “Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels – the phone was still ringing – when I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it…half of them hit the floor and broke.

Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife – she wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer, and believe me, Mister, I TOLD HER!

Sunday School

Jun 5, 2021

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I was testing the children in my Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven. I asked them, “If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, Would that get me into Heaven?”

“NO!” the children answered.

“If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard,and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?”

Again, the answer was, “NO!”

By now I was starting to smile. Hey, this was fun! “Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?”

I asked them again. Again, they all answered, “NO!”

I was just bursting with pride for them. Well, I continued, “then how can I get into Heaven?”

A five-year-old boy shouted out,

“YOU GOTTA BE DEAD”

Life Before The Computer

Jun 5, 2021

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Memory was something you lost with age

An application was for employment

A program was a TV show

A cursor used profanity

A keyboard was a piano

A web was a spider’s home

A virus was the flu

A CD was a bank account

A hard drive was a long trip on the road

A mouse pad was where a mouse lived

And if you had a 3 inch floppy ..

… you just hoped nobody ever found out!!

Bets for a Living

Jun 5, 2021

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A guy walks into a bar. He sits down at the end of the bar, next to another guy, who was the only patron in the bar when he walked in. He talks to him for about 5 minutes then moves to the other end of the bar. The bar owner walks up to him and asks if he would like a drink. He orders a beer and says, “Man! That guy down there sure does complain alot. He thinks he’s got it rough, but his life is easy!”

The bartender looks at him and says, “Hey, mister! I’ve seen you in here before. You’re in here any day of the week at any time. Just what do you do for a living?”

The guy replies, “I make bets for a living. I’ll show you. I’ll bet you $5 I can bite my right eye!” The bartender looks at him and says, “OK, you’re on.”

The guy takes his glass eye out and clenches it between his teeth.

The bartender says, “I didn’t know you had a glass eye. You win.”

The guy then says, “I’ll let you win your money back. I’ll bet you $5 I can bite my left eye.”

The bartender thinks for a moment and replies, “I know you’re not blind so you can’t have 2 glass eyes. OK, your on!” The guy then proceeds to take his false teeth out of his mouth and clamps them over his left eye. With this, the bartender says, “Hey buddy, you won again.As you can see,I don’t do a lot of business in here. I can’t afford to make any more bets with you.”

The guy replies, “I’ll tell you what. I’ll give you a guaranteed way to win your money back. I’ll bet you $10 that I can walk 6 feet away and pee in this bottle, which I’ll leave here on the bar. I won’t miss a drop. I won’t even hit the rim, it will go right in the bottle.”

After a few minutes of thought, the bartender says, “There’s no way! You’re on!”

The guy walks 6 feet from the bar, drops his pants and pees all over everything. He pees on the bar, the stools and the floor. He doesn’t even come close to hitting the bottle, let alone getting it in the bottle. With this, the bartender starts laughing and exclaims, “Ahah! I knew you couldn’t do it. I won my back my $10!!!” Just then, the guy at the other end of the bar passes out. The bartender looks down at him and says, “What happened to him?”

The guy replies, “Oh, he’ll be alright. I just bet him $1000 that I could piss all over you and your bar and you’d laugh about it.”