Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
Getting Married
Marriage
Caught by Cuckoo Clock
Just after I got married, I was invited out for a night with “the boys.” I told the misses that I would be home by midnight … promise!
Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down way too easy, at around 3 A.M. drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up, and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly I realised she’d probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself, having a quick witty solution, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict.
Next morning the wife asked me what time I got in and I told her 12 o’clock. She didn’t seem disturbed at all. Whew!
Got away with that one! She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked her why, she said “Well, it cuckooed 3 times, said ‘oh fuck,’ cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it’s throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more and then farted.
A Shave and a Shine
A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber’s chair and said, “I’ll have a shave and a shoe shine.” The barber began to lather his face while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes.
The cowboy said, “Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room.”
She replied, “I’m married and my husband wouldn’t like that.
The cowboy said, “Tell him your working overtime and I’ll pay you the difference.”
She said, “You tell him. He is the one shaving you.”
Dating vs Marriage
When you are dating….. Farting is never an issue
When you are married ….You make sure there’s nothing flammable near your husband…… at all time
When you are dating….. He takes you out to have a good time
When you are married ….He brings home a 6 pack, and ask “What are you going to drink?”
When you are dating….. He holds your hand in public
When you are married ….He flicks your ear in public
When you are dating….. A Single bed for 2 isn’t THAT bad
When you are married ….A King size bed feels like an army cot
When you are dating….. You are turned on at the sight of him naked
When you are married ….You think to yourself….”Was he ALWAYS this hairy????”
When you are dating….. You enjoyed foreplay
When you are married ….You tell him “If we have sex, will you leave me alone???”
When you are dating….. He hugs you, when he walks by you …for no reason
When you are married ….He grabs your boob any chance he gets
When you are dating….. You picture the two of you together, growing old together
When you are married ….You wonder who will die first
When you are dating….. Just looking at him makes you feel all “mushy”
When you are married ….When you look at him, you want to claw his eyes out.
When you are dating….. He knows what the “hamper” is
When you are married ….The floor will suffice as a dirty clothes storage area
When you are dating….. He understands if you “aren’t in the mood”
When you are married ….He says “It’s your job.”
When you are dating….. He understands that you have “male” friends
When you are married ….He thinks they are all out to steal you away
When you are dating….. He likes to “discuss” things
When you are married ….He develops a “blank” stare
When you are dating….. He calls you by name
When you are married ….He calls you “Hey” and refers to you when speaking to others as “She.
Skin Graft
A married couple was in a terrible accident in which the woman’s face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn’t graft any skin from her body because she was too thin. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.
However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman’s new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, “Dear, just want to thank you for everything you did for me There is no way I could ever repay you,”
“My darling,” he replied, “think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.”
Getting To Know You
A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, “But we don’t know anything about each other.” He said, “That’s all right, we’ll learn about each other as we go along.” So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.
So one morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 Meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, this was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position, where he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.
After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel. She said, “That was incredible!” He said, “I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we’d learn more about ourselves as we went along.”
So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about thirty laps she climbed back out and lay down on her towel hardly out of breath.
He said, “That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?”
“No.” she said, “I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of the canal.”
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