“Tomorrow I’m getting married for the fourth time,” said Joe happily.
“What happened to your first three wives?” asked his friend Jeff.
“My first wife ate poison mushrooms,” replied Joe.
“How terrible!” exclaimed Jeff. “And your second wife?”
“She ate poison mushrooms.”
“And your third ate poison mushrooms, too?” asked Jeff.
“Oh, no. She died of a broken neck.” stated Joe.
“I see, an accident.” replied Jeff.
“Not exactly,” said Joe. “She wouldn’t eat her mushrooms.”
Bernie was invited to his friend’s home for dinner. Morris, the host, preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.
Bernie looked at Morris and remarked, “That is really nice, after all these years that you have been married, you keep calling your wife those pet names.” Morris hung his head and whispered – “To tell you the truth, I forgot her name three years ago!”
Dear Tide:
I’m writing to say what an excellent product you have. I’ve used it since the beginning of married life, when my mom told me it was the best.
In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My husband started to berate me about my drinking problem. One thing led to another and I ended up with a lot of his blood on my white blouse as well. I tried to get the stain out using a bargain detergent, but it just wouldn’t come out.
After a quick trip out, I stopped and got a bottle of liquid Tide with bleach alternative, and all of the stains came out!! They came out so well, in fact, that the DNA tests were negative!! I thank you once again for a great product.
Well, gotta go. I have to write a letter to the Hefty Bag people.
After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling.
They had been at each other’s throat for some time and felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the counselor’s office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion.
“What seems to be the problem?” Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. On the other hand, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage.
After 5 – – 10 – – 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless.
He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened. The counselor spoke to the husband, “Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!”
The husband scratched his head and replied, “I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays.”
One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Jamestown wakes up early and goes to their local church.
Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives, their families, etc. Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!!
Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate.
Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sits calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God’s ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit.
Satan walks up to the man and says, “Hey, don’t you know who I am?”
The man says, “Yep, sure do. You’re Beelzebub himself, Lord of the Underworld, Prince of Darkness and Eternal Agent of All Things Unholy.”
Satan says, “Well, aren’t you afraid of me?”
The man says, “Nope, sure ain’t.”
Satan, perturbed, says, “And why aren’t you afraid of me?”
The man says, “Well, I’ve been married to your sister for 25 years!”
After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband about his lurid past.
“Come on, tell me,” she asked for the thousandth time, “how many women have you slept with?”
“Baby,” he protested, “if I told you, you’d throw a fit.”
Kim promised she wouldn’t get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell her.
“Okay,” he said, then he started to count on fingers “One, two, three, four, five, six, seven – then there’s you – nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen.”
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