When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law BEFORE the criminal gets arrested, we call him an accomplice. When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law after the criminal gets arrested, we call him a defensive lawyer.
A child custody case was held in court. The judge felt that the mother and father were both fit to be parents and therefore couldn’t decide who he should grant full custody to. So he asks the little boy, “Would you like to live with your mother?”
“No.” said the boy.
“Why not?” said the judge.
“Because she beats me.”
The judge says “Okay, then you’ll go live with your father.”
“Oh No,” cried the boy, “He beats me too.”
Dumbfounded, the judge asks “Okay who do you want to live with?”
“I want to live with the Florida Marlins.”
“Why?” asks the judge.
“They never beat anybody.”
One day, Pete complained to his friend, “My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor. His friend offered, “Don’t do that!!! There’s a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything, quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10.00.”
Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer started making some noises and the various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: You have tennis elbow.
Soak your arm in warm water.. Avoid heavy labor. It will be better in two weeks.
Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try.
He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noise and printed out the following analysis:
Your tap water is too hard.
Get a water softener.
Your dog has worms.
Give him vitamins.
Your daughter’s using cocaine.
Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
Your wife’s pregnant – twin girls.
They aren’t yours.
Get a lawyer.
And if you don’t stop jerking off,
Your tennis elbow will never get better!
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. “Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, ‘There’s Jennifer; she’s a lawyer,’ or ‘That’s Michael, he’s a doctor.'”
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, “And there’s the teacher; …she’s dead.”
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says “I’m sending out 1,000 Valentine cards with ending signed, ‘Guess who?'”
“But why?” asks the man.
“I’m a divorce lawyer,” the man replies.
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