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Job

If There Were Computers in 1776

Jun 5, 2021

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If There Were Computers in 1776 Jokes Times

Mr. Jefferson: Gentlemen, the summer grows hot, and it is essential that we complete this declaration of independence.

Mr. Franklin: Wait a minute, Thomas. I have to reboot here.

Mr. Jefferson: That’s all right, Ben. We’ll go on without you. Has everyone had a chance to look at the draft I posted yesterday?

Mr. Sherman: Not yet, Thomas, I’ve been having Notes replication problems.

Mr. Adams: Here, Roger, I brought a hard copy.

Mr. Sherman: Thanks. Saaaaay, nice font.

Mr. Adams: Do you like it? I downloaded it off Colonies Online just last week.

Mr. Jefferson: Gentlemen! There is work to be done. I fear our document will soon leak out.

Mr. Livingston: Too late, Thomas. There’s already a bootleg circulating. I saw it posted on alt. george III. sucks last night.

Mr. Adams: Ben, you might try upgrading to Windows 75. It solved that problem for me.

Mr. Sherman: Thomas, the part here about the Acts of Pretended Legislation; have you considered using bullets to air out the text?

Mr. Jefferson: I can fix that easily enough. Drat! I’ve spilled candle wax on my keyboard again.

Mr. Adams: You know, Thomas, that wouldn’t happen if you’d buy an active-matrix screen.

Mr. Franklin: Hard-disk failure?!? Aw, criminy!

Mr. Livingston: Are you sure it’s “unalienable rights”? My spell checker recommends “unassailable”.

Mr. Jefferson: Can we stick to the substance of the document, please? Shoot. Low battery. Anyone got a spare power cable?

Mr. Sherman: What have you got, a Toshiba? No, mine isn’t compatible.

Mr. Franklin: Hello, PCs Philadelphia? What does it mean when the floppy drive buzzes? OK, I’ll hold…..

Mr. Livingston: The “In Congress” part here at the top; have you thought about blowing that up really big and maybe centering it in 72 point Helvetica?

Mr. Jefferson: Not a bad idea. Aw, nuts! Word macro virus! I can’t save the file.

Mr. Franklin: That’s all right, Thomas. We can manage. Here, borrow my quill pen….

Passing Gas

Jun 5, 2021

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This little old lady goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor I have this problem with passing gas, but it really doesn’t bother me too much. It never smells and it’s always silent. As a matter of fact I’ve passed gas at least 20 times since I’ve been here in your office. You didn’t know I was passing gas because it doesn’t smell and it’s silent”.

The doctor says “I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week.”

The next week the lady goes back. “Doctor,” she says, “I don’t know what you gave me, but now my passing gas… although still silent, it stinks terribly.”

“Good”, the doctor said, now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, we’ll start to work on your hearing.

Condoms

Jun 5, 2021

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One day on the way home from work, I stopped at the local pharmacy and while I was checking out, I picked up some candy to take home for me and my 7-year old son. It was a bag of Gold Coins (Gold Foil-covered chocolate candy coins).

There were many sizes, from dime to dollar. I took the bag home, and me and my son opened the bag and ate all of the coins, my son taking the bigger dollar-sized ones and me taking the smaller ones.

The next day, my wife, my son and I stopped at the Pharmacy again to pick up a few things. While my wife and I were shopping, we noticed that my son had picked up a Gold Coin Condom. Before we could catch him, he took it up to the counter and asked the Pharmacist, “What’s This?”

The woman, looking very serious, said, “That’s a condom, son.”

To which my son replied, “My daddy BOUGHT me some of these yesterday!”

With a disgusted look on her face, the Pharmacist replied, “Those are NOT for children, young man.”

And finally, my son replied, “Then I’ll buy this one for my Daddy. He likes the LITTLE ones!”

Second Opinion

Jun 5, 2021

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A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast.

“You aren’t so good in bed either!” he shouted and stormed off to work.

By midmorning, he decided he’d better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone.

“What took you so long to answer?”

“I was in bed.”

“What were you doing in bed this late?”

“Getting a second opinion.”

Smearing Prints

Jun 5, 2021

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Got a call from a woman said that her laser printer was having problems: the bottom half of her printed sheets were coming out blurry.

It seemed strange that the printer was smearing only the bottom half. I walked her through the basics, then went over and printed out a test sheet.

It printed fine. I asked her to print a sheet, so she sent a job to
the printer.

As the paper started coming out, she yanked it out and showed it to me. I told her to wait until the paper came out on its own. Problem solved.

Curing a Cough

Jun 4, 2021

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The owner of a drugstore arrives at work to find a man leaning against a wall. The owner goes inside and asks his staff what’s up. The staff replies, “He wanted something for his cough, but I couldn’t find the cough syrup. So I gave him laxative and told him to take it all at once.”

The owner shouts angrily, “Laxatives won’t cure a cough.” The staff says while pointing at the man leaning against the wall, “Sure it will. Look at him, he is too afraid to cough now.”