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Job

IT vs. Business

Jun 4, 2021

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A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realises he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts:

“Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?”

The man below says: “yes you’re in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field.”

“You must work in Information Technology” says the balloonist.

“I do” replies the man. “How did you know.”

“Well” says the balloonist, “everything you have told me is technically correct, but it’s no use to anyone.”

The man below says “you must work in business.”

“I do” replies the balloonist, “but how did you know?”

“Well”, says the man, “you don’t know where you are, or where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help. You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault.”

All You’ll Ever Need to Know About Marriage

Jun 4, 2021

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All You Will Ever Need to Know About Marriage Jokes Times

Why does a woman work ten years to change a man’s habits, and then complain that he’s not the man she married?

Men are like wine – some turn to vinegar, but the best improve with age.

When a girl marries, she exchanges the attentions of many men for the inattention of one.

Marriage is one long conversation, checkered by disputes.

No human being believes that any other human being has a right to be in bed when he himself is up.

If you have a job without aggravations, you don’t have a job.

Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old; it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother.

Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it’s time to get up.

Many a women who thinks she has purchased a dress for the ridiculous price has actually bought it for an absurd figure.

When a man says it’s a silly, childish game, it’s probably something his wife can beat him at.

You can always tell a house with young boys in it. You have to wash the soap before you can use it.

Nowadays the pay check that arrives none too soon, is too soon none.

A woman is like a tea bag: you never know her strength until she is in hot water.

Almost every child would learn to write sooner if allowed to do his homework on wet cement.

Women like the simpler things in life – like men.

Robbers demand your money or your life; women require both.

Children aren’t happy without something to ignore; and that’s what parents were created for.

It is a woman’s business to get married as soon as possible, and a mans to stay unmarried as long as he can.

All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterwards that causes all the trouble.

Jun 4, 2021

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Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural America.

Panic stricken the Secret Service mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the wreckage was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hulk left smouldering in a tree line that bordered a farm.

Secret Service descended upon the smoking hulk but could find no remains of the crew or the President’s staff. To their amazement, a lone farmer was ploughing a field not too far away as if nothing at all happened.

They hurried over to surround the man’s tractor. “Sir,” the senior Secret Service agent asked, panting and out of breath. “Did you see this terrible accident happen?”

“Yep. Sure did.” The man muttered unconcernedly.

“Do you realize that is the President of the United States airplane?”

“Yep.” Answered the mane.

“Were there any survivors?” the agent gasped.

“Nope. They all kilt straight out.” The farmer sighed cutting off his tractor motor. “I done buried them all myself. Took most of the morning.”

“The President of the United States is dead?” The agent gulped in disbelief.

“Well,” the farmer sighed, obviously wanting to get back to his work. “He kept a-saying he wasn’t… but you know what a liar he is.”

Sawing Wood

Jun 4, 2021

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A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient’s room. He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half. Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.

The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing. The patient replied, “Can’t you see I’m sawing this piece of wood in half?” The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing.

Patient #1 replied, “Oh. He’s my friend, but he’s a little crazy. He thinks he’s a lightbulb.” The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2’s face is going all red.

The doctor asks Patient #1, “If he’s your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself”

Patient #1 replies, “What? And work in the dark?”

Very Drunk

Jun 4, 2021

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A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking.

He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn’t want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs.

Half-way up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end. That wouldn’t have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly.

But, he was so drunk that he didn’t know he was hurt.

A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible.

Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.

The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.

“Well, you really tied one on last night,” she said. “Where’d you go?”

“I worked late,” he said, “and I stopped off for a couple of beers.”

“A couple of beers? That’s a laugh,” she replied, “You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?”

“What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?”

“Well,” she replied, “my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror.”