The owner of a drugstore arrives at work to find a man leaning against a wall. The owner goes inside and asks his staff what’s up. The staff replies, “He wanted something for his cough, but I couldn’t find the cough syrup. So I gave him laxative and told him to take it all at once.”
The owner shouts angrily, “Laxatives won’t cure a cough.” The staff says while pointing at the man leaning against the wall, “Sure it will. Look at him, he is too afraid to cough now.”
A businessman taking a seminar on efficiency completed a case study of his wife’s routine for fixing breakfast, and presented the results to the class.
“After a few days of observation, I quickly determined the practices that were robbing her of her precious time and energy,” the man
reported, “taking note of how many trips she made from the kitchen to the dining room carrying just one item, I suggested that in the future she carry several items at a time.”
“Did it work?”, the teacher asked.
“It sure did,” replied the businessman, “instead of taking her 20 minutes to fix my breakfast, it now takes ME just seven.”
If AOL were a City
– You’d live in a place where no two people had the same name, and all were h0t 17/f cheerleaders with a fetish for pierced gay Dobermans in spandex.
– You’d only pay $19.95 a month to live there, but half the time you tried to leave your house, the door would be stuck.
– Once you got outside, even if you were in a hurry, you’d be assaulted by slimy little door-to-door sales creeps offering you great AOL 14.4 modems for only $399.99
– The commute to work is just a double-click away, but every time you try to leave your driveway, the flow of traffic knocks you back into your yard.
– 48 hours after moving in, your mailbox would be overflowing with special offers, promotions and offers from www.girlies.com
– The local post office would tell your mother you’re not a known resident.
– The local post office wouldn’t forward your mail to you when you moved.
– The administration would kick you out of town for cursing after one of those brutal toe stubs.
– If you saw a crime and called 911, they’d reply a week later with a form letter saying how “really important you are to us.”
– The administration would tell your boss to either pay up, or move his slack-ass company somewhere else.
– Everyone on the street would have something to do with kiddy porn, and this business would account for 75% of all city revenue.
– Every time you went to the mall, people would run up to you and violently scream, “M/F??!!,” AGE/SEX?!?!, “WHAT ARE YOUR STATS,” or “WANNA GET LUCKY?”
– Those who didn’t do that would call you and say ” Hi, I’m j0e hax0r from the town council. We had a database crash and lost your tax records. Please give us your address and the key to your house or we will be forced to evict you and your family.”
– Every time you went shopping, you’d be kicked out of the store by a bouncer screaming “WE’RE SORRY, THIS STORE IS TEMPORARILY UNAVAILABLE.”
– Whenever you traveled to other cities, people would see your license tag and laugh behind your back.
– Even your 3 year old son would know the intimate personal details of the town security expert.
– You’d occasionally be sent home during your day by another bouncer telling you that the city has performed an illegal operation, but that it’s really the Earth’s fault.
– Half the kids in the daycare you use are thinly disguised fat, hairy, drooling, diapered men holding sacks of candy.
– Your daughter would disappear to the No-Tell Motel every night, and you’d foot the bill.
– You’d send your kids to school for history, math and science, but they’d wind up studying ph1shing, one-handed typing, and annoying acronyms.
– You’d not have any idea who your neighbors are, and most new arrivals would move in at night, stuff everyone’s mailbox with crap, and vacate before sunup.
– The administration would secretly sell off chunks of the city’s land, while buying up neighboring cities with imaginary funds.
– The administration would build a huge, state of the art park, and advertise that children can play there free, then suddenly demand money while ripping down the swings and accosting the children playing there.
– Don’t forget the AOL playground, which is locked so that the kiddies cannot get out “for safety reasons,” and then hordes of perverts & pedophiles are allowed in.
– The police would work for free out of some sort of “duty” to the city, but would secretly only be doing it for the free food stamps.
– Upon waking every morning, a voice from above would shout “HEY!! YOU DO WANT AN AOL VISA, DON’T YOU?” To which you say “no.” The voice then replies “OK, I’LL ASK YOU TOMORROW.”
– A trip to the local library would find you a few ancient doom, 2 patches, commercial pics of Pamela Anderson Lee, and a viral copy of PkZip 2.04g.
– Your neighbors would be called to leave on pilgrimages to a mystical land called USENET, where they would bleat the virtues of your fair city.
– Somewhere in another city, David Cassel would be sitting with a telescope trained on City Hall, smiling contentedly.
Little Tommy was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything; tutors, flash cards, special learning centers, in short, everything they could think of. Finally in a last ditch effort, they took Tommy down and enrolled him in the local Catholic School.
After the first day, little Tommy comes home with a very serious look on his face. He doesn’t kiss his mother hello. Instead, he goes straight to his room and starts studying. Books & papers are spread out all over the room and little Tommy is hard at work. His mother is amazed. She calls him down to dinner and to her shock, the minute he is done he marches back to his room without a word and in no time he is back hitting the books as hard as before.
This goes on for sometime, day after day while the mother tries to understand what made all the difference. Finally, little Tommy brings home his report card. He quietly lays it on the table and goes up to his room and hits the books.
With great trepidation, his Mom looks at it and to her surprise; little Tommy got an A in math. She can no longer hold her curiosity. She goes to his room and says: “Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?” Little Tommy looks at her and shakes his head. “Well then,” she replies, “was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms, WHAT was it?”
Little Tommy looks at her and says, “Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren’t fooling around.”
A teacher at a school for blind kids is taking his school’s soccer team to an “away game”. They stop for a rest break, and to let the kids work off some energy with a little impromptu practice in a nearby pasture.
The teacher is sitting in a nearby diner, explaining to another patron how it is that blind kids can play soccer. “We made a special ball, with a bell in it, so the kids can keep track of where the ball is and what it’s doing by listening for it. They’re pretty good at it too.” “Very clever!” remarks the other patron.
Just then they are interrupted as another patron, who is looking out the window, says, “Hey! Are you the guy with those damn blind kids from the bus?” “Yes,” says the teacher, stung by the way “his” kids are being refered to, “what about it?
You got something against blind kids?” “Nothing, ordinarily,” says the guy, still scowling out the window, “but you better get them rounded up quick! They’re kicking the hell out of my best milk cow!”
When my printer’s type began to grow faint, I called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed me that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned. Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told me, I might be better off reading the printer’s manual and trying the job myself. Pleasantly surprised by his candor, I asked, “Does your boss know that you discourage business?” “Actually it’s my boss’s idea,” the employee replied sheepishly. “We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first.”
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