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House

Fishing License

Jun 6, 2021

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After a day fishing on Lake Michigan, a fisherman is walking from the pier carrying two brown trout in a bucket. He is approached by a Conservation Officer who asks him for his fishing license.

The fisherman says to the warden, “I was not fishing and I did not catch these browns, they are my pets. Every day I come down to the water and dump these fish into the water and take them for a walk to the end of the pier and back. When I’m ready to go I whistle and they jump back into the bucket and we go home. The officer not believing him, reminds him that it is illegal to fish without a license.

The fisherman turns to the warden and says, “If you don’t believe me then watch,” as he throws the trout back into the water.

The warden says, “Now whistle to your fish and show me that they will jump out of the water and into the bucket.”

The fisherman turns to the officer and says, “What fish?”

Respect for Living Things

Jun 6, 2021

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A man and his little boy were walking through the park when a honeybee landed near them. The boy ran over and stomped on it. The father gave him a lecture about having respect for living things and added, “Just for that you can’t have any honey for two weeks!”.

Pretty soon a butterfly landed near them. The boy ran over and stomped on it. Again, the father gave him a lecture and added, “Just for that you can’t have any butter for two weeks!”.

When they got home, they went into the kitchen, and a cockroach ran across the floor. The mother ran over and stomped on it. The boy said to his father, “Well do you want to tell her, or shall I?”.

Ashes to Ashes

Jun 6, 2021

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After several years of marriage, Debbie’s husband, Mike, died suddenly. According to his wishes, Debbie had his body cremated and placed the remains in a small urn.

Several weeks later, Debbie came home wearing a full-length mink coat and an eight-carat diamond ring. She went into the living room, removed the urn from the mantel and carefully tapped Mike’s ashes into a small dish on the coffee table.

“Mike, my beloved Mike,” she began, “I wish to talk to you. Mike, do you remember, for several years you promised me a mink coat? Well, here it is, Mike. Do you like it?

“And, Mike,” she continued, “do you remember, for several years you promised me a diamond ring? Yes? You remember? Here it is, Mike. Do you like it?

“Well,” Debbie exclaimed, puffing Mike’s ashes into the air, “there’s that blow job I was promising you.”

Unexpected Childbirth

Jun 6, 2021

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Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.

Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded, “He shouldn’t have crawled in there in the first place…… smack his butt again!”

Footless Parrot

Jun 6, 2021

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A guy is having marital problems. He and the wife are not communicating at all and he’s lonesome so he goes to a pet store thinking a pet might help.

The store he happened to walk into specialized in parrots. As he wanders down the rows of parrots he notices one with no feet.

Surprised he mutters “I wonder how he hangs onto the perch?” The parrot says “With my prick, you dummy.”

The guy is startled and says “You certainly talk well for a parrot.” The parrot says “Of course, I’m a very well educated parrot. I can discuss politics, sports, religion, most any subject you wish.”

The guy says “Gee, you sound like just what I was looking for.” The parrot says “There’s not much of a market for maimed parrots. If you offer the proprietor $20 for me I’ll bet he’ll sell me.”

The guy buys the parrot and for three months things go great. When he comes home from work the parrot tells him Clinton said this, the A’s won, the Giant’s lost, the pope did so and so.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot waves a wing at him and says “Come in and shut the door.” The guy says “What’s up?” The parrot says “I don’t know how to tell you this, but the mailman came today. Your wife answered the door in her negligee and he kissed her right on the lips.”

The guy says “Oh, A momentary flight of passion.” The parrot says “Then he fondled her breasts.” The guy says “He did??!” The parrot says “Then he pulled her negligee down and started sucking on her breasts.” The guy says “My God, what happened next???!!!”

The parrot says “I don’t know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch.”

Buying Alligator Shoes

Jun 6, 2021

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A man was on holiday in the depths of Louisiana, where he tried to buy some Alligator shoes.

However he was not prepared to pay the high prices, and after having failed to haggle the vendor down to a reasonable price level, ended up shouting “I don’t give two hoots for your shoes man, I’ll go and kill my own “croc!,” to which the shopkeeper replied, “by all means, just watch out for those two “ole boys” who are doing the same!”.

So the man went out into the Bayou, and after a while saw two men with spears, standing still in the water. ‘They must be the ‘ole boys’ he thought. Just at that point he noticed an alligator moving in the water towards one of them.

The guy stood completely passive, even as the gator came ever closer.

Just as the beast was about to swallow the him, he struck home with his spear and wrestled the gator up onto the beach, where several already laying.

Together the two guys threw the gator onto its back, where-upon one exclaimed “Darn! This one doesn’t have any shoes either!”.