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House

Better Run

Jun 4, 2021

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Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighbourhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end.

At the last house a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter. Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger co worker to a foot race down to the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one. As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong.

Gasping for breath, she replied, “When I see two gas men running as hard as you two were, I figured I’d better run too!”

After Work Cocktail

Jun 4, 2021

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A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous & sexy young woman entered. She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her.

The young woman noticed his overly attentive stare & walked directly towards him. Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, “I’ll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100 on one condition.”

Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was. The young woman replied, “You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.” The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket & slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young woman’s hand.

He looked into her eyes & slowly, meaningfully said, “Paint my house.”

Pregnant

Jun 4, 2021

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A young lady had just visited her doctor and he informed her that she was pregnant. The young lady had been married for ten years and had wanted a baby very badly. As she sat on the bus, on her way home, she felt that she had to share the good news with someone. The gentleman sitting next to her seemed as good as anyone to share the good news with.

Sir, she said, I just received the best news you could ever imagine. I have to share it with someone or I’ll bust. She told him the news that the doctor had told her about being pregnant.

The man shared her enthusiam as he shared his expierence. He said he was a farmer and he had trouble with his hens laying eggs. He stated that he went out to the hen house one morning and all of his hens had layed eggs.

He was so happy. he added, “but confidentially, I changed cocks.”

The newly pregnant woman responded, “Confidentially, me too.”

Apple Corporation Sues Itself

Jun 4, 2021

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Apple Corporation Sues Itself Jokes Times

In a move that has industrial analysts scratching their heads, Apple Computers has filed suit against Apple Computer, Inc. The company claims that Apple has violated the Look and Feel of their own machines which has helped to make the company famous.

An Apple Spokesperson stated “This is no joke. If we don’t protect our copyrighted interface, everyone will use it and we could lose the exclusive right. So it is in our best interests to sue anyone who uses the Macintosh Look and Feel, including ourselves.” The spokesperson says Apple has retained the prestigious LA law firm of Kukla, Fran and Ollie to spearhead the lawsuit. Apple’s in house lawyers will defend.

Long time Apple observer Ernest Dinklefwat stated that this is a sure sign that Apple has too many lawyers and not enough engineers. “In the old days Apple depended on its talented engineers to keep ahead of the competition, but now they have lost the edge, as well as their grasp on reality.”

The industry will be sure to watch this case closely. If Apple wins the suit against itself, this could mean a massive recall of all Macintosh and Lisa computers which will need to be converted to avoid all graphics and desktop metaphors and instead provide a simple terminal-like interface. Such a move would cause a massive digression in the personal computer market. Users of computers would be forced to learn to read, which could cause dangerous literacy among college students and professionals.

Migraine Headaches

Jun 4, 2021

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A man went to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches.

When the doctor did his history and physical, he discovered that the poor guy has tried practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement.

“Listen,” said the Doc, “I have migraines, too and the advice I’m going to give you isn’t really anything I learned in medical school, but it’s something that I’ve learned from my own experience.

When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little.

Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex with her. Almost always, the headache is immediately gone.

Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks.”

Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin, “Doc! I took your advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I’ve had migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!”

“Well,” said the physician, “I’m glad I could help.”

“By the way, Doc,” the patient added, “You have a REALLY nice house.”

A Sex Talk

Jun 4, 2021

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A teenage girl comes home from school and asks her mother. “Is it true what Rita just told me? Babies come out of the same place where boys put their penises?”

“Yes, dear,” replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn’t have to explain it to her daughter.

“But then when I have a baby,” the teenager pondered, “won’t it knock all my teeth out?”