A string walks into a bar and ask the waiter for a beer.
The waiter says, “I am sorry but we can’t serve strings here.
“The string goes home, ties himself in a knot, and messes up his hair.
He goes back to the bar about an hour later, sits down and says, “Waiter, give me a beer.”
The waiter says, “Hey aren’t you the string who came in here earlier. “The string replies, “No, I’m a fraid knot.”
Little Zachary was doing poorly in math. His parents, after exhausting all other incentives, finally decided to enroll him in the local Catholic School. After the first day, Little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He went straight to his room and started studying. This continued for some time. His mother was baffled as to why he had become so dedicated.
Finally, Little Zachary brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table and went to his room to study. With great trepidation, his mother looked at it and, to her surprise, Little Zachary go an “A” in math. She asked, “Son, what was it? Was it the nuns, the books, the discipline, the uniforms?”
Little Zachary said, “No!”
“What was it?” she asked.
Little Zachary looked at her and said, “Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the Plus Sign, I knew they weren’t fooling around.”
Late one Friday night the policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin. They pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.
“Aye, so I have. ‘Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called “Happy Hour” and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o’ those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and O’ course I had to go in for a couple of Guiness – couldn’t be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later ..” And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.
The officer sighed, and said, “Sir, I’m afraid I’ll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test.”
Indignantly, the man said, “Why? Don’t ye believe me?!?”
The mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the recently married couple’s house. She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house to see her daughter-in-law standing naked by the door.
“What are you doing,” the mother-in-law asked.
“I am waiting for my husband to come home from work,” the daughter-in-law replied.
“Why are you naked,” asked the mother-in-law.
“This is my love dress,” the daughter-in-law replied.
“LOVE DRESS! You are naked,” said the mother-in-law.
“But my husband loves it when I wear this dress. It makes him happy and he makes me happy,” said the daughter-in-law. “I would appreciate your leaving now because my husband will be home any minute,” the daughter-in-law continued. Soured by all of this romantic stuff, the mother-in-law left. On the way home, she thought about the “LOVE DRESS” and got an idea. She undressed, showered, applied her best perfume, and waited by the door for her husband to come home.
Finally, the pickup truck drove up the driveway, and she took her place by the door. The father-in-law opened the door, and immediately saw his wife naked by the door.
“What are you doing,” he asked.
“This is my love dress,” the mother-in-law replied.
“Needs ironing,” he replied.
A married couple went to the hospital together to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a machine which would transfer a portion of the mother’s labour pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out, and they both agreed enthusiastically.
The doctor set the knob to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.
But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch.
The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine, so the doctor upped the percentage to 50% and finally 100%, since the wife was obviously benefiting from the transfer.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home, the mailman was dead on their porch.
A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheque.
When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.
Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him. “How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?”
To which he replied. “That would be fine with me.”
Monday went by and he didn’t see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
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