Thursday, January 23, 2025
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House

30 Signs That Technology Has Taken Over Your Life Jokes Times

1.Your stationery is more cluttered than Warren Beatty’s address book. The letterhead lists a fax number, e-mail addresses for two on-line services, and your Internet address, which spreads across the breadth of the letterhead and continues to the back. In essence, you have conceded that the first page of any letter you write *is* letterhead.

2.You have never sat through an entire movie without having at least one device on your body beep or buzz.

3.You need to fill out a form that must be typewritten, but you can’t because there isn’t one typewriter in your house — only computers with laser printers.

4.You think of the gadgets in your office as “friends,” but you forget to send your father a birthday card.

5.You disdain people who use low baud rates.

6.When you go into a computer store, you eavesdrop on a salesperson talking with customers — and you butt in to correct him and spend the next twenty minutes answering the customers’ questions, while the salesperson stands by silently, nodding his head.

7.You use the phrase “digital compression” in a conversation without thinking how strange your mouth feels when you say it.

8.You constantly find yourself in groups of people to whom you say the phrase “digital compression.” Everyone understands what you mean, and you are not surprised or disappointed that you don’t have to explain it.

9.You know Bill Gates’ e-mail address, but you have to look up your own social security number.

10.You stop saying “phone number” and replace it with “voice number,” since we all know the majority of phone lines in any house are plugged into contraptions that talk to other contraptions.

11.You sign Christmas cards by putting 🙂 next to your signature.

12.Off the top of your head, you can think of nineteen keystroke symbols that are far more clever than :-).

13.You back up your data every day.

14.Your wife asks you to pick up some minipads for her at the store and you return with a rest for your mouse.

15.You think jokes about being unable to program a VCR are stupid.

16.On vacation, you are reading a computer manual and turning the pages faster than everyone else who is reading John Grisham novels.

17.The thought that a CD could refer to finance or music rarely enters your mind.

18.You are able to argue persuasively the Ross Perot’s phrase “electronic town hall” makes more sense than the term “information superhighway,” but you don’t because, after all, the man still uses hand-drawn pie charts.

19.You go to computer trade shows and map out your path of the exhibit hall in advance. But you cannot give someone directions to your house without looking up the street names.

20.You would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon.

21.You become upset when a person calls you on the phone to sell you something, but you think it’s okay for a computer to call and demand that you start pushing buttons on your telephone to receive more information about the product it is selling.

22.You know without a doubt that disks come in five-and-a- quarter-and three-and-a-half-inch sizes.

23.Al Gore strikes you as an “intriguing” fellow.

24.You own a set of itty-bitty screw-drivers and you actually know where they are.

25.While contemporaries swap stories about their recent hernia surgeries, you compare mouse-induced index-finger strain with a nine-year-old.

26.You are so knowledgeable about technology that you feel secure enough to say “I don’t know” when someone asks you a technology question instead of feeling compelled to make something up.

27.You rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires.

28.You have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal.

29.You have ended friendships because of irreconcilably different opinions about which is better — the track ball or the track *pad*.

30.You understand all the jokes in this message. If so, my friend, technology has taken over your life. We suggest, for your own good, that you go lie under a tree and write a haiku. And don’t use a laptop.

Fun With a Wrong Number Jokes TImes

It was last Wednesday night, and I was sitting in my room watching television when the phone rang. “Hello?” I said.

A girl’s voice came over the line. “Can I speak to Ben, please?”
I live by myself, and my name definitely is not Ben. It was probably a wrong number and I was bored.

I replied, “I’m sorry, he’s not in right now. Can I take a message?”

“Do you know what time he’ll be back?” she responded. “I think he said he’d be home around 10:00.” Silence on the other end… a confused silence.

“Is this Steve?” My name isn’t Steve, either. This was definitely a wrong number. So I replied, “Yes, it is. Do you want to leave a message for Ben?”

“Well… he said he would be home tonight and asked me to call him,” she said in a slightly irritated voice.

I replied, “Well, he went out with Karen about an hour ago, and said that he would be back at 10:00.”

A shocked voice now: “Who’s Karen?!”
“The girl he went out with.”
“I know that! I mean… who is she?”
“I don’t know her last name. Look, do you want me to leave a message for Ben?”

“Yes… please do. Tell him to call me when he gets home.”
She was sounding pretty irate at this point, and I could hear her temper flaring. “I sure will. Is this Jennifer?”

She exploded, “Who’s Jennifer?” Apparently she wasn’t.
“Well… he’s going out with Jennifer at 10:00. I thought you were her. Sorry… it was an honest mistake.”

“Ben’s the one that’s made the mistake! Tell him that Alice called him and the she’s very upset and that I would like him to call me as soon as he gets home.”

I smiled and said, “Okay, I will… but Becky isn’t going to like this…”
*Click*

The Pharmacist Jokes TImes

Dude walks into a pharmacy laughing hysterically, orders 2 condoms, still laughing, pays the pharmacist and walks out laughing. The pharmacist is perplexed but doesn’t give it a second thought.

The next day the same guy walks in laughing hysterically, orders 2 condoms, still laughing, pays the pharmacist and walks out laughing.

The pharmacist remembers the day before and starts to wonder what’s up but not for too long because he has work to do. The next day the same guy walks in laughing hysterically, orders 2 condoms, still laughing, pays the pharmacist and walks out laughing.

Now the pharmacist is intrigued as to what is going on with this guy so he arranges with his assistant to follow the guy and find out where he is going, should the man return.

Wouldn’t you know it, The same guy comes back the next day, laughing hysterically, orders 2 condoms, still laughing, pays the pharmacist and walks out laughing.

The assistant followed him as per his orders and came back 20 minutes later.The eager pharmacist asked his assistant where the man went?The assistant said: “Your house.”

Follow My Orders Jokes Times

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office.

After his check up, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.

He said, “Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don’t do the following, your husband will surely die.”

“Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood.

For lunch make him a nutritious meal.

For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him.

Don’t burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don’t discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly, you should satisfy his every whim sexually several times a week.”

“If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.”

On the way home, the husband asked his wife. “What did the doctor say?”

“You’re going to die,” she replied.

Pick Up Lines Jokes TImes

1. I wish you were a door so I could bang you all day long.

2. (Lick finger and wipe on her shirt) Let’s get you out of these wet clothes.

3. Nice legs…what time do they open?

4. Do you work for UPS? I thought I saw you checking out my package

5. You’ve got 206 bones in your body, want one more?

6. Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?

7. I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I’m the only one talking to you.

8. I’m a bird watcher and I’m looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher, have you seen one?

9. I’m fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight. 

10. Wanna play army? I’ll lay down and you can blow the hell outta me.

11. I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Walmart, so I could ride you all day long for a quarter.

12. Oh, I’m sorry, I thought that was a braille name tag.

13. I’d really like to see how you look when I’m naked.

14. Is that a ladder in your stockings or the stairway the heaven?

15. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.

16. Are those real?

17. You must be the limp doctor because I’ve got a stiffy.

18. You can feel the magic between us…No, lower!

19. I’d walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue.

20. Girl, if you were a porch I’d take out all the nails and screw ya. 

21. If it’s true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning. 

22. (Look down at your crotch) It’s not just going to suck itself.

23. You know, if I were you, I’d have sex with me.

24. You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any questions?

26. Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor. 

27. My name is (name)…remember that, you’ll be screaming it later.

28. Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?

29. Hi, I’m Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.

30. My friend wants to know if YOU think I’M cute.

31. Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you. 

32. My name isn’t Elmo, but you can tickle me anytime you want to. 

33. I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been drinking? 

34. If you were the last woman and I was the last man on earth, I bet we could do it in public.

35. Wanna come over for some pizza and sex? No? What you don’t like pizza? 

36. I may not be Dairy Queen but I’ll treat you right.

37. Baby, I’m an American Express lover…you shouldn’t go home without me. 

38. Do you sleep on your stomach at night? Can I???

39. Do you wash your pants in Windex because I can see myself in them.

40. I lost my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.

41. Let me check the tag on your shirt, I want to see if it says “Made in Heaven”

Beautiful Red Roses Jokes Times

This woman and her husband have this really bad fight. He goes off to work the next day without talking to her but she doesn’t care.

She is busy doing her thing around the house. All of the sudden, around 1:00 in the afternoon, the doorbell rings. She goes to the door and opens it and there is a young delivery guy from the local florist shop with an enormous, beautiful bouquet of long-stemmed red roses…the expensive ones…from her husband.

She says to the delivery guy with disgust, “Oh SHIT!” The delivery guy says, “What’s a matter lady? You don’t like roses?” She replies, “Yeah, I like roses, but do you know what this means???” He says, “No, Lady, what does this mean?”

She answers, “It means for the next two weeks I’ll be laying on my back with my legs in the air.”

He replies, “Geez, Lady, don’t you have a vase???”

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