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House

Three Little Pigs

Jun 6, 2021

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One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read,”…and so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, “Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?” The teacher paused then asked the class, “And what do you think that man said?”

One little boy raised his hand and said, “I think he said’Holy Sh*t! A talking pig!'”

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

Mongolian VD

Jun 6, 2021

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An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While in China, he is very sexually promiscuous and does not take any precautions. A week after arriving back home he awakens one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see his doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results. The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, “I’ve got bad news for you.

You’ve contracted Mongolian VD. It’s very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it.”

The man looks a little relieved and says, “Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up doc.”

The doctor answers, “I’m sorry, there’s no known cure other than to amputate your penis.”

The man screams in horror, “Oh no! I want a second opinion!”

The doctor replies, “Well it’s your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice.”

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he’ll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, “Ah yes, Mongolian VD. Very rare disease.”

The guy says to the doctor, “Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can you do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!”

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs, “Stupid American doctor! American doctor, always want to operate. Make more money, that way.”

“Then there’s no need to operate? Oh, thank God!” the man replies.

“Yes!” says the Chinese doctor, “You no worry! Wait two weeks, it fall off by itself!”

Assassin

Jun 6, 2021

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The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists; two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

“We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!”

The man said, “You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife.” The agent said, “Then you’re not the right man for this job.”

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes.”I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.” The agent said, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”

Finally, it was the woman’s turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. The the agents heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman.

She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, “This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair.”

How To Be A Good Husband

Jun 6, 2021

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He consistently spills things in the same location as to avoid making more than one stain in the carpet.

He sees to it that he doesn’t always sit in the same place on the couch, to avoid making those unsightly twin-divots.

He masters the art of halfway-communication so that he can watch TV and still answer: uh huh, oh, I see what you mean, etc. at the right time.

He is able to avoid use of the same excuse two-times-in-a-row.

He has learned that a new vacuum cleaner, iron, etc. do not make acceptable anniversary presents.

Admits with only minor prodding that watching Monday Night Football together does not constitute a “date” or family home evening (where applicable).

Has learned all of the childrens’ names so that he doesn’t have to refer to them as, “Hey, you there”.

Knows the proper time to give a sincere compliment and also the proper time to say something such as, “Its definitely an interesting dress.”

Nobody in Hospital Tells Me Anything

Jun 6, 2021

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Nobody in Hospital Tells Me Anything Jokes Times

Anyone who has ever had a loved one in the hospital will enjoy this:

A woman called a local hospital . . . .

“Hello. Could you connect me to the person who gives information about patients? I’d like to find out if a patient is getting better, doing as expected or getting worse.”

The voice on the other end said, “What is the patient’s name and room number?”

“Sarah Finkel, room 302.”

“I’ll connect you with the nursing station . . . .”

“3-A Nursing Station. How can I help you?”

“I’d like to know the condition of Sarah Finkel in room 302.”

“Just a moment. Let me look at her records. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she’s had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, she is to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and, if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday at noon.”

The woman said, “What a relief! Oh, that’s fantastic . . . that’s wonderful news!”

The nurse said, “From your enthusiasm, I take it you are a close family member or a very close friend!”

“Neither! I AM Sarah Finkel in 302! Nobody here tells me shit!

Car Porch

Jun 6, 2021

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One day, an out-of-work man knocks on the door of a home in an upper-class neighbourhood. The lady of the house answers. “Pardon Mam, I’m out of work and looking for any odd jobs that people need to be done. I’m very handy with everything from repairs to yard work, to painting…”

“Painting?” the woman jumped in. “Oh, yes, Ma’am! I’m a very careful painter,” the man replied, his face brightening at the realisation she could provide him some work. “I’ll tell you what. My husband just bought some green paint last week to paint the porch out back with, byt we haven’t had any time. If you can do a good job, then you can paint it before he gets home and surprise him. Now, do a particularly good job and paint the trimmings white also, and I’ll pay you an extra bonus.”

“Oh yes, Ma’am, I’ll do an excellent job!” He was told the paints were also around the back in the garage. An a few hours later, the man returns to the door. “That was quick, did you do a good job?” the woman inquires. “Oh yes Ma’am, two coats! But there’s something you should know,” the man says. “That’s not a Porsche, That’s a Mercedes!”