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House

Lucky Saucer

Jun 5, 2021

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A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store.

He does a double take, as he notices that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable. He walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars.

The store owner replies, “I’m sorry, but the cat isn’t for sale.” The collector says, “Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I’ll pay you twenty dollars for that cat.”

And the owner says “Sold,” and hands over the cat. The collector continues, “Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat’s used to it and it’ll save me having to get a dish.”

And the owner says, “Sorry buddy, but that’s my lucky saucer. So far this week I’ve sold sixty-eight cats.”

Grandma’s Boyfriend

Jun 5, 2021

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A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. He played with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting. He looked up and said, “Grandma, how come you don’t have a boyfriend?”

Grandma replied, “Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good. The comedies make me laugh. I’m really happy with the TV as my boyfriend.”

Grandma turned on the TV and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma’s minister.

The minister said, “Hello, son, is your grandma home?”

The little boy replied, “Yeah, but she’s in the bedroom bangin’ her boyfriend.”

The minister fainted.

Expensive Date

Jun 5, 2021

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A horny college kid borrowed his roommate’s car, scraped together every penny he could find, picked up his date at her parent’s house, and took her to a nice restaurant for dinner. But he got more and more upset when she proceeded to order everything pricey on the menu: fancy mixed drinks, lobster, champagne, the works.

Finally, he couldn’t stay silent any more, and blurted, “Does your mother feed you like this at home?”

“Nope,” she replied with a demure smile, “but my mom’s not trying to get laid either.”

Power Outage

Jun 5, 2021

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Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-year-old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her Mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded, “He shouldn’t have crawled in there in the first place……… smack his ass again!”

Better Choices

Jun 5, 2021

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“So let me get this straight,” the prosecutor says to the defendant, “you came home from work early and found your wife in bed with a strange man.”

“That’s correct,” says the defendant.

“Upon which,” continues the prosecutor, “you take out a pistol and shoot your wife, killing her.”

“That’s correct,” says the defendant.

“Then my question to you is, why did you shoot your wife and not her lover?” asked the prosecutor.

“It seemed easier,” replied the defendant, “than shooting a different man every day!”

Visit to the Doctor

Jun 5, 2021

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A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office.

After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, “Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don’t do the following, your husband will surely die.”

“Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don’t burden him with chores. Don’t discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.”

On the way home, the husband asked his wife. “What did the doctor say?”
“He said you’re going to die,” she replied.