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House

Twenty Children’s Books You’ll Never See

Jun 5, 2021

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You are different and that’s bad.
Pop goes the hamster…… and other great microwave games.
What is that dog doing to that other dog?
The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins and the Vice Squad.
Barbar meets the taxidermist.
Testing home made parachutes using household pets.
Garfield gets feline leukemia.
The Kids’ Guide to hitchhiking.
The pop-up book of human anatomy.
Things rich kids have, but you never shall.
The Care Bears maul some campers and are shot dead.
The boy who died from eating all his vegetables.
Controlling the Playground: Respect through fear.
You were an accident.
Some Kittens can fly!
Daddy drinks because you cry.
Curious George and the high voltage fence.
How to become the dominant military power in your primary school.
Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Point become friends.
Start an estate agency with the change from your mums purse.

Cats and Dogs

Jun 5, 2021

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What is a Cat?
1. Cats do what they want.
2. They rarely listen to you.
3. They’re totally unpredictable.
4. They whine when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play, they want to be alone.
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
8. They’re moody.
9. They leave hair everywhere.
10. They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.

Conclusion: They’re tiny women in little fur coats.

What is a Dog?
1. Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.
2. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don’t hear you when you’re in the same room.
3. They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
4. They growl when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play, they want to play.
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They are great at begging.
8. They will love you forever if you rub their tummies.
9. They leave their toys everywhere.
10. They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.

Conclusion: They’re tiny men in little fur coats.

Good Privacy Idea

Jun 5, 2021

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Getting away from their high-stress jobs, a couple spends relaxing weekends in their motor home.

When they found their peace and quiet disturbed by well-meaning, but unwelcome, visits from other campers, they devised a plan to assure themselves some privacy.

Now, when they set up camp, they place this sign on the door of their RV: ‘Insurance agent. Ask about our life-term package today.’

The Perfect Husband

Jun 5, 2021

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There are several men in the locker room of a private club after exercising.

Suddenly a cell phone that was on one of the benches rings. A man picks it up and the following conversation ensues:

“Hello?”

“Honey, It’s me. Are you at the club?”

“Yes.”

“Great! I am at the mall 2 blocks from where you are. I saw a beautiful mink coat… It is absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?”

“What’s the price?”

“Only $1,500.00”

“Well, OK, go ahead and get, if you like it that much…”

“Ahhh and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2005 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman and he gave me a really good price … and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year…”

“What price did he quote you?”

“Only $60,000…”

“OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.”

“Great! Before we hang up, something else…”

“What?”

“It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and…I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and I saw the house we had looked at last year. It’s on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property…”

“How much are they asking?”

“Only $450,000… a magnificent price, and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover…”

“Well, than go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?”

“OK, sweetie… Thanks! I’ll see you later!! I love you!!!”

“Bye… I do too…”

The man hangs up, closes the phone’s flap and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present: “Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?”

Man & Woman

Jun 5, 2021

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Women

Women have strengths that amaze men. They carry children, they carry hardships, they carry burdens, but they hold happiness, love and joy. They smile when they want to scream.

They sing when they want to cry. They cry when they are happy and laugh when they are nervous.

Women wait by the phone for a “safe at home call” from a friend after a snowy drive home.

They are child care workers, executives, attorneys, stay-at-home moms, biker babes, and your neighbors. They wear suits, jeans and they wear uniforms. They fight for what they believe in. They stand up for injustice.

They walk and talk the extra mile to get their children in the right schools and for getting their family the right health care. They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.

Women are honest, loyal, and forgiving. They are smart, knowing that knowledge is power. But they still know how to use their softer side to make a point. Women want to be the best for their family, their friends and themselves. Their hearts break when a friend dies.

They have sorrow at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left. A woman can make a romantic evening unforgettable.

Women come in all sizes, in all colors and shapes. They live in homes, apartments and cabins. They drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you.

The heart of a woman is what makes the world spin! Women do more than just give birth. They bring joy and hope. They give compassion and ideals. They give moral support to their family and friends. And all they want back is a hug, a smile and for you to do the same to people you come in contact with.

MEN

Men are good at lifting heavy stuff.

What Mommy Calls Me

Jun 5, 2021

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A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they won’t tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess. The dad said, “Well it’s what Mommy calls me sometimes.” The little girl screamed to her brother, “Don’t eat it. Its an asshole!