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House

A Military Cargo Plane

Jun 5, 2021

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A military cargo plane, flying over a populated area, suddenly loses power and starts to nose down.

The pilot tries to pull up, but with all their cargo, the plane is too heavy. So he yells to the soldiers in back to throw things out to make the plane lighter.

They throw out a pistol. “Throw out more!” shouts the pilot. So they throw out a rifle. “More!” he cries again. They heave out a missile, and the pilot regains control.

He pulls out of the dive and lands safely at an airport. They get into a jeep and drive off.

Pretty soon they meet a boy on the side of the road who’s crying. They ask him why he’s crying and he says “A pistol hit me on the head! “They drive more and meet another boy who’s crying even harder. Again they ask why and the boy says, “A rifle hit me on the head! “They apologize and keep driving. They meet a boy on the sidewalk who’s laughing hysterically.

They ask him, “Kid, what’s so funny?” The boy replies, “I sneezed and a house blew up!”

That’s the Spirit

Jun 5, 2021

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A boy is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers’ attention, he is yelling, “Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!”

A pastor hears this and asks, “Why are you calling them ‘dam fish.'”

The boy responds, “Because I caught these fish at the local dam.”

The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish.

The wife responds surprised, “I didn’t know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way.”

He explains to her why they are dam fish.

Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish.

He responds, “That’s the spirit, Dad! Now pass the f*cking potatoes!”

Grab a Beer

Jun 5, 2021

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A man came home from work and sat in his recliner, happy to be home and relaxing after a long and hectic day at the office.

He called to his wife, “Honey, bring me a beer before it starts.”

Somewhat irritated but willing to fulfill her hard-working husband’s wish, she got a beer from the refrigerator and promptly delivered it to her reclining husband.

He immediately began drinking it, and not more than fifteen minutes later he called to his wife a second time, “Honey, grab another beer for me before it starts.”

Now truly annoyed but unwilling to get into an argument, the wife stomped into the kitchen, snatched a beer from the refrigerator and tossed it at her reclining husband as she walked past him.

Once again, he immediately began guzzling the beer, and about ten minutes later he called out to his wife a third time, “Honey, bring me another beer will you? It’s just about to start.”

Now at the end of her rope, the wife stormed through the house into the kitchen, all the while speaking in an angry voice about how she was not put on this earth to be a slave to the opposite sex and that she was not going to be her husband’s own personal bartender for the entire night. She had had a long day too, and expected some peace and quiet for herself. She jerked open the refrigerator, grabbed a beer, and slammed the refrigerator closed. She finished ranting just about the time she reached her reclining husband and threw the third beer at him.

Satisfied, the husband opened the beer, took a large gulp of the frosty brew, and said, “Ahhh, just in time.”

Who’s Phone???

Jun 5, 2021

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A man and a couple of his friends had just finished a round of golf at the country club and they were changing their shoes when a cell phone on the bench rang. The man picked it up and answered it.

“Hi honey,” said the woman on the other end. “Hi honey,” replied the man.

“I was just calling to tell you about this fur coat I found today. It’s beautiful fox fur and I just love the way it looks on me. It’s on sale too, a real bargain. It’s down to $2,000 from $4,000. Can I get it?” the woman asked. The man thought about it for a sec and said, “You’re sure it’s a good deal?” “Oh yes,” the woman replied. “Okay then, I guess you can get it,” replied the man.

The woman continued, “Oh, and you know how we’ve been thinking about rid of the Lexus and getting a new Jaguar? Well, I went to the dealership today and the guy gave me a real deal. He said he’d lower the price from $200,000 to $180,000 just for me. Can I get it?” The man thought a little harder and said, “If you’re sure it’s a good deal, then yes, go ahead and get the Jaguar.”

The woman continued again, “Oh, one last thing honey. Remember that house we saw last month that we really liked, but decided we’d wait and think about? Well, it’s on the market again, so I checked the price. It’s down to $980,000 and I checked with the bank and we have enough in the checking account so that I can just write a check. Should I get it?”

The man got a frown on his face and said, “See if you can get down to $950,000. If they’ll go down to that, go ahead and get it.” The woman was extremely excited. “Okay honey, thank you so much! I’ll see you when I get home! Bye!”

“Bye,” said the man. He hung up the phone and looked at the other men in the locker room and said, “Does anyone know whose phone this is?”

Letter to Mum

Jun 5, 2021

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A mother enters her daughter’s bedroom and sees a letter over the bed. With the worst premonition, she reads it, with trembling hands:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m telling you that I eloped with my new boyfriend. I found real passion and he is so nice, with all his piercing and tattoos and his big motorcycle. But is not only that mom, I’m pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very happy in his trailer in the woods. He wants to have many more children with me and that’s one of my dreams. I’ve learned that marijuana doesn’t hurt anyone and we’ll be growing it for us and for his friends, who are providing us with all the cocaine and ecstasy we may want. In the meantime, we’ll pray for the science to find the AIDS cure, for Ahmed to get better, he deserves it. Don’t worry Mom, I’m 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Some day I’ll visit, so you can know your grandchildren.

Your daughter,
Judith

PS: Mom, it’s not true. I’m at the neighbour’s house. I just wanted to show you that there are worse things in life than the school’s report card that’s in my desk’s drawer… I love you!

Computer Predictions

Jun 5, 2021

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1. “Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons.” — Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949

2. “I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.” — Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943

3. “I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won’t last out the year.” — The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957

4. “But what … is it good for?” — Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.

5. “There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.” — Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977

6. “This ‘telephone’ has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us.” — Western Union internal memo, 1876.

7. “The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?” — David Sarnoff’s associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s.

8. “The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a ‘C,’ the idea must be feasible.” — A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith’s paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. (Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.)

9. “Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?” — H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927.

10. “I’m just glad it’ll be Clark Gable who’s falling on his face and not Gary Cooper.” — Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in “Gone With The Wind.”

11. “A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make.” — Response to Debbi Fields’ idea of starting Mrs. Fields’ Cookies.

12. “We don’t like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.” — Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.

13. “Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible.” — Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

14. “If I had thought about it, I wouldn’t have done the experiment. The literature was full of examples that said you can’t do this.” — Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives for 3-M “Post-It” Notepads.

15. “So we went to Atari and said, ‘Hey, we’ve got this amazing thing, even built with some of your parts, and what do you think about funding us? Or we’ll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary, we’ll come work for you.’ And they said, ‘No.’ So then we went to Hewlett Packard, and they said, ‘Hey, we don’t need you. You haven’t got through college yet.'” — Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get Atari and HP interested in his and Steve Wozniak’s personal computer.

16. “Professor Goddard does not know the relation between action and reaction and the need to have something better than a vacuum against which to react. He seems to lack the basic knowledge ladled out daily in high schools.” — 1921 New York Times editorial about Robert Goddard’s revolutionary rocket work.

17. “Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau.” — Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929.

18. “Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value.” — Marechal Ferdinand Foch, professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre.

19. “Everything that can be invented has been invented.” — Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899.

20. “Louis Pasteur’s theory of germs is ridiculous fiction”. — Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872

21. “640K RAM ought to be enough for anybody.” — Bill Gates, 1981