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Horse

Horse Races

Jun 5, 2021

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A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a newspaper.

“What was that for?” he asked.

“That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it,” she replied.

“Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on,” he explained.

“Oh honey, I’m sorry,” she said. “I should have known there was a good explanation.”

Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold.

When he came to, he asked, “What the hell was that for?”

She replied “Your horse called.”

Wide Mouth Frog

Jun 5, 2021

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There was once a wide mouth frog. She had babies and she didn’t know what to feed them.

She went to the cow, talking with her mouth real wide, she said, “COW, WHAT DO YOU FEED YOUR BABIES?”

The Cow said, “I feed my babies milk.”

She went on to the horse. Talking with her mouth real wide, she said, “HORSE, WHAT DO YOU FEED YOUR BABIES?”

“I feed my babies hay.” said the horse.

Finally she came to a snake. Talking with her mouth real wide, she said, “SNAKE, WHAT DO YOU FEED YOUR BABIES?”

The snake said, “I feed my babies wide mouth frogs.”

So the frog said, with her mouth really small, “Oh, is that so.”

Enchanted Rattlesnake

Jun 5, 2021

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It was spring in the old west. The cowboys rode the still snow-choked trails looking for cattle that survived the winter. As one cowboy’s horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine. The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake.

“Hold on there, partner,” said the snake, “don’t shoot– I’m an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don’t shoot me, I’ll give you any three wishes you want.” The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of the snake’s striking range. He said, “OK, first, I’d like to have a face like Clark Gable, then, I’d like a build like Arnold Schwarzenegger, and finally, I’d like sexual equipment like this here horse I’m riding.” The rattlesnake said, “All right, when you get back to the bunk house you’ll have all three wishes.”

The cowboy turned his horse around and galloped at full speed all the way to the bunkhouse. He dismounted on the run and went straight inside to the mirror. Staring back at him in the mirror was the face of Clark Gable. He ripped the shirt off his back and revealed bulging, rippling muscles, just like Arnold Schwarzenegger. Really excited now, he tore down his jeans, looked at his crotch and shouted,

“My God, I was riding the mare!”

Lone Ranger and Tonto

Jun 5, 2021

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The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said “Who owns the big white horse outside?” The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gunbelt, and said, “I do… Why?”

The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, “I just thought you’d like to know that your horse is about dead outside!” The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion.

The Lone Ranger got the horse water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better. The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, “Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better.”

Tonto said, “Sure, Kemosabe” and took off running circles around Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink.

A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, “Who owns that big white horse outside?” The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, “I do, what’s wrong with him this time?”

The cowboy looks him in the eye and says, “Nothing, but you left your Injun runnin’.”

Racing Horse

Jun 5, 2021

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A man was sitting quietly reading his paper and enjoying his breakfast peacefully one morning, when suddenly his wife sneaks up behind him and wacks him on the back of his head with a huge frying pan.

Man: “What was that for?”
Wife: “what was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written in it?”
Man: “Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse race? Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on.”

The wife looked all satisfied with the answer and goes off to work around the house.

Three days later, the man is once again sitting in his chair reading and suddenly his wife repeats the frying pan swatting.

Man: “What the hell was that for this time?”
Wife: “Your horse called.”

Cowboy and His Horse

Jun 5, 2021

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A bunch of Indians capture a cowboy named “Clint”, and bring him back to their camp to meet the chief. The chief says to Clint, “You going to die. But we sorry for you, so give you one wish a day for three days. On sundown of third day, you die. What is first wish?”

Clint says, “I want to see my horse.” The Indians get his horse. Clint grabs the horse’s ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on the ass. The horse takes off. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked blonde. She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with Clint.

The Indians look at each other, figuring, “Typical white man – can only think of one thing.” The second day, the chief says, “What your wish today?

Clint says, “I want to see my horse again.” The Indians bring him his horse. Clint leans over to the horse and whispers something in the horse’s ear, then slaps it on the ass. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off and goes in the teepee with the Clint. The Indians shake their heads, figuring, “Typical white man – going to die tomorrow and can only think of one thing.

The last day comes, and the chief says, “This your last wish, white man. What you want?” Clint says, “I want to see my horse again.” The Indians bring him his horse. Clint grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard
and yells, “Read my lips! POSSE, damn it! P-O-S-S-E!”