Here is the scene: The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Church elementary school for lunch.
At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and put it on the apple tray…
‘Take only ONE. God is watching.’
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, ‘Take all you want. God is watching the apples.
1. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
2. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
3. Press any key except… no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!
4. Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
5. This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
6. Windows message: “Error saving file! Format drive now?(Y/Y)”
7. This is a message from God Gates: “Rebooting the world.Please log off.”
8. To “shut down” your system, type “WIN”
9. BREAKFAST.SYS halted… Cereal port not responding.
10. COFFEE.SYS missing… Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.
11. File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
12. Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
13. Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
14. Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
15. WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL &PAPER.SYS)
16. User Error: Replace user.
17. Windows VirusScan 1.0 – “Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)”
18. Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted. The police are on the way
One day three men were walking along and came upon a raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no way of crossing the river.
The first man prayed to God saying, “Please God, give me the strength, courage, and ability to cross this river.” Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about two hours.
Seeing this, the second man prayed to God saying, “Please God, give me the strength, courage, and ability to cross this river.” Poof! God gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about three hours.
The third man had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also prayed to God saying, “Please God, give me the strength, courage, and ability to cross this river.” And poof! God turned him into a woman and he walked across the bridge.
A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying:’God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and goodbye Grandpa.’ The father asked, ‘Why did you say goodbye Grandpa?’ The little girl said, ‘I don’t know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do.’
The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this: ‘God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma.’
The next day the grandmother died. ‘Holy **** ‘ thought the father,this kid is in contact with the other side. Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say: ‘God bless Mommy and goodbye Daddy.’
He practically went into shock. He couldn’t sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally, midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said ‘I’ve never seen you work so late,what’s the matter?’
He said ‘I don’t want to talk about it; I’ve just spent the worst day of my life.’
She said, ‘You think you had a bad day, you’ll never believe what happened to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!
Three nurses went to heaven, and were awaiting their turn with St. Peter to plead their case to enter the pearly gates.
The first nurse said, “I worked in an emergency room. We tried our best to help patients, even though occasionally we did lose one. I think I deserve to go to heaven.” St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven.
The second nurse says, “I worked in an operating room. It’s a very high stress environment and we do our best. Sometimes the patients are too sick and we lose them, but overall we try very hard.” St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven.
The third nurse says, “I was a case manager for an HMO.”
St. Peter looks at her file. He pulls out a calculator and starts punching away at it furiously, constantly going back to the nurse’s file. After a few minutes St. Peter looks up, smiles, and says, “Congratulations! You’ve been admitted to heaven … for five days!”
One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God.
“Lord, I have a problem!”
“What’s the problem, Eve?”
“Lord, I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals and that hilarious comedic snake, but I’m just not happy.”
“Why is that, Eve?” came the reply from above.
“Lord, I am lonely, and I’m sick to death of apples.”
“Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you.”
“What’s a man, Lord?”
“This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He’ll lie, cheat, and be vain; all in all, he’ll give you a hard time. But he’ll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly when he’s aroused, but since you’ve been complaining, I’ll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won’t be too smart, so he’ll also need your advice to think properly.”
“Sounds great.” says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. What’s the catch, Lord?”
“Well … you can have him on one condition.”
“What’s that, Lord?”
“As I said, he’ll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring … So you’ll have to let him believe that I made him first. Just remember, it’s our little secret…
“You know, woman to woman.”
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