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Heaven

Status Update

Jun 5, 2021

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A little old lady, calling Mount Sinai Hospital, says, “Hello, darling, I’d like to talk with the person who gives the information regarding your patients. I want to know if the patient is getting better, or doing like expected, or is getting worse.”

“Do you know the patient’s name and room number?”

“Yes, darling! She’s Sarah Finkel, in Room 302.”

“Oh, yes. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she’s had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, her blood work just came back as normal, she’s going to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and if she continues this improvement, Dr.. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday at noon.”

“Thank God! That’s wonderful! That’s fantastic, darling!… That’s wonderful news!”

“You must be a very close friend!”

“No, I’m Sarah Finkel in 302! Dr. Cohen doesn’t tell me shit!”

Nurse Goodtime

Jun 5, 2021

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Lori, the pert and pretty Nurse took her troubles to a resident psychiatrist in the hospital where she worked.

“Doctor, you must help me.” she pleaded. “It’s gotten so that every time I date one of the young doctors here, I end up in bed with him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week.” “I see.” nodded the psychiatrist. “And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter.”

“For God’s sake, NO !!!” exclaimed the Nurse. “I want you to fix it so I won’t feel guilty and depressed afterward.”

First Cut is the Deepest

Jun 5, 2021

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Once upon a time, two little boys, Sammy and Tim, were sharing a room in the hospital. As they were getting to know each other a little bit, Sammy eventually asked Tim, “Hey, what’re you in for?”

“I’m getting my tonsils out. I’m a little worried,” said Tim.

“Oh, don’t worry about it,” Sammy said. “I had my tonsils out and it was a blast! I got to eat all the ice cream and Jell-O I wanted for two weeks!”

“Oh yeah?” replied Tim. “That’s not half-bad. So, Sammy, how about you? What’re you here for?”

“I’m getting a circumcision, whatever that is,” Sammy answered.

“Oh my god, circumcision? I got one of those when I was a baby and I couldn’t walk for two years!”

Guy Jokes

Jun 5, 2021

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Why do men like smart women?
Opposites attract.

How do men define a “50/50” relationship?
We cook — they eat; we clean — they dirty; we iron — they wrinkle.

How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
Make him wear shoes.

What did God say after creating man?
I can do so much better.

What’s the smartest thing a man can say?
“My wife says…”

Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.

Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?
Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.

Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because none of them will stop to ask for directions.

Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?
When it’s time to go back to his childhood, he’s already there.

Who is God?

Jun 5, 2021

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A little kid asks his father, “Daddy, is God a man or a woman?”

“Both son. God is both.”

After a while the kid comes again and asks, “Daddy, is God black or white?”

“Both son, both.”

The child returns a few minutes later and says, “Daddy, is Michael Jackson God?”

Sunday School

Jun 5, 2021

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I was testing the children in my Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven. I asked them, “If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, Would that get me into Heaven?”

“NO!” the children answered.

“If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard,and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?”

Again, the answer was, “NO!”

By now I was starting to smile. Hey, this was fun! “Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?”

I asked them again. Again, they all answered, “NO!”

I was just bursting with pride for them. Well, I continued, “then how can I get into Heaven?”

A five-year-old boy shouted out,

“YOU GOTTA BE DEAD”