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Heaven

A Strange Jigsaw Puzzle

Jun 5, 2021

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Paddy gets a phone call from Murphy, “Paddy, I’ve got a problem.” says Murphy

“What’s the matter?” replies Paddy.

“I’ve bought a jigsaw and it’s too hard. None of the pieces fit together, and I can’t find any edges.” Said Murphy.

“What’s the picture of?” asks Paddy.

“It’s of a big rooster,” Murphy replies.

Paddy says, “Alright, Murphy, I’ll come over and have a look.”

He gets to Murphy’s house and Murphy opens the door. “Oh thanks for coming Paddy.” He leads Paddy into the kitchen and show him the jigsaw on the kitchen table.

Paddy looks at the jigsaw, then turns to Murphy and says, “For God’s sake Murphy, put the cornflakes back in the packet.”

Boys will be Boys

Jun 5, 2021

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OK, I’m the only female in a house full of guys. 4 sons and a hubby. Toilet seat is never down…etc.

SOOOOoooooooooo I’m the only one who would be using Female Product’s…..correct?

A STRANGE thing was happening at my house. Tampons were disappearing. *Insert Twilight Zone theme here *

Ok….A few months ago I went to my cupboard to get out a tampon and there was ONLY one left. I could have sworn I had just bought a box the month before. So, I go back to the store, buy a new box and forget about it.

The next month (T.O.M) I go back to the cupboard…..and VOILA….there is only ONE tampon left again. What’s going on here? Gremlins??? I go to the store and buy another box, and forget about it.

WELL…..I decided to clean out my two youngest sons closet and LOW and BEHOLD….at the bottom of their closet are the wrappers, applicators and the tampons themselves.

I am starting to FREAK!!! Dear God, what are they doing with them??????

I get a hold of myself and tell myself that I am an adult and can handle this, despite the bizarre thoughts running through my mind. I’m thinking,”Do I have enough money saved up in the bank for MAJOR THERAPY?”

I go to the top of the stairs and yell for my two youngest sons to “COME HERE!!!!”

They march up the stairs and find me in their room staring into the bottom of their closet.

I said “What are you doing with THOSE? THOSE are MINE!”

My 12 year old looks like a deer caught in the headlights and is silent.

My 10 year old looks at me all innocent and says. “Well, Mom, we were playing with our G.I. Joes and stuff… and THOSE make really good SCUD missiles… What do YOU use them for?”

“NEVER MIND!! GO PLAY!!!!”

A Change of Vows

Jun 5, 2021

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During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer.

“Look, I’ll give you $100 if you’ll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I’m to promise to ‘love, honor and obey’ and ‘forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,’ I’d appreciate it if you’d just leave that part out.” He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.

It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom’s vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says, “Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?”

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, “I do.”

The groom leaned toward the pastor and hissed, “I thought we had a deal.”

The pastor put the $100 bill into his hand and whispered back, “She made me a much better offer.”

Weird Baby

Jun 5, 2021

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A lady was in the delivery room starting to deliver her baby. As the head came out it was dark and had an afro. The doctor said, “Madam, have you ever slept with a black man?”

“Well, yes, but only once.”

“Once is all it takes” he replied.

Then the torso came out and it was yellow.

“Madam, have you ever slept with an oriental man?”

“Well, yes” she said, “but only once.”

“Once is all it takes,” he said.

When the legs came out they were red. The doctor asked her if she had ever slept with an Indian.

“Well, yes” she said, “but only once.”

“Once is all it takes,” he said.

He finally pulled the baby all the way out and held it upside down and slapped its bottom to make it cry. As it started to cry the woman exclaimed “Oh, thank God, at least it doesn’t bark!”

Pearly Gates

Jun 5, 2021

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Bill Clinton, Al Gore and Bill Gates all die in a plane crash.

They are standing before God, seated on his throne.

God asks Al: “What do you believe?”

Al says: “I believe in the earth. I believe if we don’t protect it, the whole earth will die.”

God says: “I like that, come sit at my left. Bill Clinton, what do you believe?”

Bill Clinton says: “I believe in people. I believe the people should be empowered. I believe no one has the right to tell someone else what to do.”

God says: “I like that, come sit on my right. OK Bill Gates, what do you believe?”

Bill Gates says: “I believe you’re in my seat.”

Hi-Tech

Jun 5, 2021

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A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts dialing numbers…like a telephone…on his open hand, then puts his palm up against his cheek and begins talking. Suspicious, the bartender walks over and tells him this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesn’t need any trouble here. The guy says, “You don’t understand. I’m very hi-tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular.”

The bartender says “prove it.” The guy dials up a number and extends his hand to the bartender. The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a conversation. “Thats incredible!” said the bartender.” I would never have believed it!” “Yeah”, said the guy. “I can keep in touch with my broker,my wife, you name it. By the ways where is the mens room?” The bartender directs him to the mens room. The guy goes in and 5, 10, 20 minutes go by and he doesn’t return.

Fearing the worst given the nature of the neighborhood, the bartender goes into the men’s rest room to check on the guy. The guy is spread eagled up against the wall. His pants are rolled down and he has a roll of toilet paper up his butt. “Oh my God!” said the bartender. “Did they rob you? Are you hurt?” The guy turns and say’s “No, no I’m ok I’m just waiting for a fax.”