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Hair

Because I’m a Man

Jun 4, 2021

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Because I’m a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road service until long after hypothermia has set in.

Because I’m a man, when the car isn’t running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I’m looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, “I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn’t know where to start.” We will then drink beer.

Because I’m a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn’t a problem.

Because I’m a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

Because I’m a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator).

Because I’m a man, I don’t think we’re all that lost, and no, I don’t think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger? I mean, how the hell could he know where we’re going anyway?

Because I’m a man, there is no need to ask me what I’m thinking about. The answer is always either sex or sports. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don’t bother to ask me

Because I’m a man, you don’t have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you cried at the end of it, I didn’t.

Because I’m a man, I think what you’re wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it — looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

Because I’m a man, and this is, after all, the year 2001, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the gardening, the cleaning, the vacuuming, the shopping and the dishes, and I’ll do the rest.

I’m Afraid Not

Jun 4, 2021

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A string walks into a bar and ask the waiter for a beer.

The waiter says, “I am sorry but we can’t serve strings here.

“The string goes home, ties himself in a knot, and messes up his hair.

He goes back to the bar about an hour later, sits down and says, “Waiter, give me a beer.”

The waiter says, “Hey aren’t you the string who came in here earlier. “The string replies, “No, I’m a fraid knot.”

50 Rules for Men

Jun 4, 2021

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A Woman’s 50 Rules for Men

For those of you who are guys, pay close attention to the following:

Call.
Don’t lie.
Never tape any of her body parts together.
If guys’ night out is going to be fun, invite the girls.
If guys’ night out is going to involve strippers, remember the zoo rules: No petting.
The correct answer to, “Do I look fat?”, is never, ever, “Yes.”
Ditto for “Is she prettier than me?”
Victoria’s Secret is good. Frederick’s of Hollywood is bad.
Ordering for her is good. Telling her what she wants is bad.
Being attentive is good. Stalking is bad.
“Honey”, “Darling”, and “Sweetheart” are good. “Nag”, “Lardass”, and “Bitch” are bad.
Talking is good. Shouting is bad. Slapping is a felony.
A grunt is seldom an acceptable answer to any question.
None of your ex-girlfriends were ever nicer, prettier, or better in bed.
Her cooking is excellent.
That isn’t an excuse for you to avoid cooking.
Dish soap is your friend.
Hat does not equal shower, aftershave does not equal soap, and warm does not equal clean.
Buying her dinner does not equal foreplay.
Answering “Who was that on the phone?” with “Nobody” is never going to end that conversation.
Ditto for “Whose lipstick is this?”
Two words: clean socks.
Believe it or not, you’re probably not more attractive when you’re drunk.
Burping is not sexy.
You’re wrong.
You’re sorry.
She is probably less impressed by your discourse on your cool car than you think she is.
Ditto for your discourse on football.
Ditto for your ability to jump up and hit any awning in a single bound.
“Will you marry me?” is good. “Let’s shack up together” is bad.
Don’t assume PMS is the cause for every bad mood.
Don’t assume PMS doesn’t exist.
No means No. Yes means Yes. Silence could mean anything she feels like at that particular moment in time, and it could change without notice.
“But, we kiss…” is not justification for using her toothbrush. You don’t clean plaque with your tongue.
Never let her walk anywhere alone after 11 p.m.
Chivalry and feminism are NOT mutually exclusive.
Pick her up at the airport. Don’t whine about it, just do it.
If you want to break up with her, break up with her. Don’t act like a complete jerk until she does it for you.
Don’t tell her you love her if you don’t.
Tell her you love her if you do. Often.
Always, always suck up to her brother.
Think boxers.
Silk boxers.
Remember Valentine’s Day, and any cheesy “anniversary” she so names.
Don’t try to change the way she dresses.
Her haircut is never bad.
Don’t let your friends pick on her.
Call.
Don’t lie.
The rules are never fair. Accept this without question.

The fact that she has to go through labor while you sit in the waiting room on your ass smoking cigars isn’t fair either, and it balances everything.

Testosterone

Jun 4, 2021

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A woman went to her doctor for a followup visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing.

“Doctor, the hormones you’ve been giving me have really helped, but I’m afraid that you’re giving me too much. I’ve started growing hair in places that I’ve never grown hair before.”

The doctor reassured her. “A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?”

“On my balls.”

White Hair

Jun 4, 2021

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One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, “Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?”

Her mother replied, “Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.”

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, “Momma, how come ALL of grandma’s hairs are white?”

Excited Gorilla

Jun 4, 2021

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It’s a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo.

She’s wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless wth straps.

As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), grunting and pounding his chest with the free hand.

He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the sheer dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow. He tells her to pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and flirt with the ape.

She does and the gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall; she does, and the gorilla is so excited, he’s just about to tear the bars down.

The husband then suggests that the wife lift her dress up above the thighs… this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy. Then, quickly the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and says, “Now, tell him you have a headache.”