Saturday, November 23, 2024
Tags Posts tagged with "Hair"

Hair

0 224
Cats and Dogs Jokes Times

What is a Cat?
1. Cats do what they want.
2. They rarely listen to you.
3. They’re totally unpredictable.
4. They whine when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play, they want to be alone.
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
8. They’re moody.
9. They leave hair everywhere.
10. They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.

Conclusion: They’re tiny women in little fur coats.

What is a Dog?
1. Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.
2. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don’t hear you when you’re in the same room.
3. They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
4. They growl when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play, they want to play.
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They are great at begging.
8. They will love you forever if you rub their tummies.
9. They leave their toys everywhere.
10. They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.

Conclusion: They’re tiny men in little fur coats.

Fur Coat Jokes Times

A woman asks her husband to buy her a fur coat for their 25th anniversary.

“HA,” he snorted, “The day I buy you a fur coat will be the day you can grow hair on your chest!”

On that she hikes up her skirt, drops her panties, and thrusts her pubic area forward. “There! I have hair on my chest, now buy me a fur coat.”

“That’s not your chest!” he roars back. “Damn right it’s my chest,” she argued.

“Before we got married, this was your hope chest. On our honeymoon, it was your treasure chest. Afterwards it became our family chest.

AND IF YOU DON’T BUY ME A FUR COAT, IT WILL SOON BECOME THE COMMUNITY CHEST!”

Barbershop Jokes Times

A young boy enters a barbershop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?”

The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

“What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!”

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?”

The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game’s over!”

0 252
Keeping Love Making Notes Jokes Times

TO MY GIRLFRIEND
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times.
I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every 10 days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:

54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren’t in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn’t want to muss your new hair-do
3 times you said the neighbours would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us

Of the 36 times I did succeed,the activity was not satisfactory because:

6 times you just laid there
8 times you reminded me there’s a crack in the ceiling
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with,
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished, and one time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move.

TO MY DEAR BOYFRIEND:
I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn’t get more than you did:

5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn’t cum
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pyjamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball, etc. on TV

Of the times we did get together the reason I laid still was because :
You missed and were screwing the sheets.

I wasn’t talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was , “would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?”

The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.

0 752
Why Parents Have Gray Hair Jokes Times

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee’s home phone number and was greeted with a child’s whispered, “Hello?” Feeling putout at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster, the boss asked,”Is your Daddy home?”

“Yes” whispered the small voice.

“May I talk with him?” the man asked.

To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, “No.”

Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, “Is your Mommy there?”

“Yes” came the answer.

“May I talk with her?”

Again, the small voice whispered, “No”

Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone,the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. “Is there any one there besides you?” the boss asked the child.

“Yes” whispered the child, “a policeman.”

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked,”May I speak with the policeman?”

“No he’s busy” said the little voice.

“Busy doing what?” asked the boss.

“Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the fireman.” came the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard the sound of a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, “What is that noise?”

“A hello-copper” answered the whispering voice.

“What is going on there?!” asked the boss, now getting alarmed.

In an awed whispering voice the child answered, “The search team just landed the hello-copper.”

Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated, the boss asked,”What are they searching for?!”

Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle, “Me!”

0 213
The Ladies Room Jokes Times

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy.

“Are you the manager?” she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.

“Actually, no” he replies.

“Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him.” she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.

“I’m afraid I can’t” breathes the barman – clearly aroused. “Is there anything I can do?”

“Yes there is. I need you to give him a message” she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. “Tell him” she says “that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room.”

YOU MAY LIKE

Too Scared To Sleep Jokes Times

1 313
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light...
Newspaper Ads Jokes Times

Not Drinking Anymore Jokes Times

Six or Twelve Jokes Times

FACEBOOK

4,844FansLike