A doctor was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test.
He placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, “Cover your right eye with your hand.” The patient read the 20/20 line perfectly.
“Now your left.” Again, a flawless read.
“Now both,” The doctor requested. There was silence. The patient couldn’t even read the large E on the top line.
The doctor turned and discovered that he had done exactly covered both eyes.
A man was walking across the road when he met the accident. The impact was on his head which caused him to be comatosed for two days before he finally regained consciousness.
When he opens his eyes, his wife was there beside him. He held her hands and said meaningfully : “You have always been beside me. When I was a struggling university student, I failed again and again. And sometimes, even my re-papers as well. You were always there beside me, encouraging me to go on trying..”
She squeezed his hands as he continued :”When I went for all the major interviews and failed to clinch any of the jobs, you were there beside me, cutting out more adverts for me to apply…” He continued “Then I started work at this little firm and finally got to handle a big contract. I blew it because of one little mistake. And you were there beside me.”
Then I finally got another job after being laid off for sometime. But I never seem to be promoted and my hard work was not recognised. As such, I remained in the same position from the day I join the company till now… And you were there beside me”
Her eyes brimmed with tears as she listened to her husband :”And now I met an accident and when I woke up, you are here beside me….
….There’s something I’ll really like to say to you…” She flung herself on the bed to hug her husband, and sobbing with emotion.
He said…, ” I think you really bring me bad luck..”
A mother and baby camel are talking one day when the baby camel asks, “Mom why have I got these huge three-toed feet?” The mother replies, “Well son, when we trek across the desert your toes will help you to stay on top of the soft sand”. “OK” said the son.
A few minutes later the son asks, “Mom, why have I got these great long eyelashes?” “They are there to keep the sand out of your eyes on the trips through the desert”, “Thanks Mom” replies the son. After a short while, the son returns and asks, “Mom, why have I got these great big humps on my back?” The mother, now a little impatient with the boy replies, “They are there to help us store fat for our long treks across the desert, so we can go without water for long periods.”
“That’s great mom, so we have huge feet to stop us sinking, and long eyelashes to keep the sand from our eyes and these humps to store water, but Mom …” “Yes son?” “Why the heck are we in the San Diego zoo?”
When you are dating….. Farting is never an issue
When you are married ….You make sure there’s nothing flammable near your husband…… at all time
When you are dating….. He takes you out to have a good time
When you are married ….He brings home a 6 pack, and ask “What are you going to drink?”
When you are dating….. He holds your hand in public
When you are married ….He flicks your ear in public
When you are dating….. A Single bed for 2 isn’t THAT bad
When you are married ….A King size bed feels like an army cot
When you are dating….. You are turned on at the sight of him naked
When you are married ….You think to yourself….”Was he ALWAYS this hairy????”
When you are dating….. You enjoyed foreplay
When you are married ….You tell him “If we have sex, will you leave me alone???”
When you are dating….. He hugs you, when he walks by you …for no reason
When you are married ….He grabs your boob any chance he gets
When you are dating….. You picture the two of you together, growing old together
When you are married ….You wonder who will die first
When you are dating….. Just looking at him makes you feel all “mushy”
When you are married ….When you look at him, you want to claw his eyes out.
When you are dating….. He knows what the “hamper” is
When you are married ….The floor will suffice as a dirty clothes storage area
When you are dating….. He understands if you “aren’t in the mood”
When you are married ….He says “It’s your job.”
When you are dating….. He understands that you have “male” friends
When you are married ….He thinks they are all out to steal you away
When you are dating….. He likes to “discuss” things
When you are married ….He develops a “blank” stare
When you are dating….. He calls you by name
When you are married ….He calls you “Hey” and refers to you when speaking to others as “She.
A butcher is working, and really busy. He notices a dog in his shop and shoos him away. Later, he notices the dog is back again.
He walks over to the dog, and notices the dog has a note in his mouth. The butcher takes the note, and it reads, “Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please.”
The butcher looks, and lo and behold, in the dog’s mouth, there is a ten dollar bill. So the butcher takes the money, puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, and places it in the dog’s mouth.
The butcher is very impressed, and since it’s closing time, he decides to close up shop and follow the dog. So, off he goes.
The dog is walking down the street and comes to a crossing. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the crossing button. Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to change. It do, and he walks across the road, with the butcher following.
The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe at this stage. The dog checks out the times, and sits on one of the seats to wait for the bus.
Along comes a bus. The dog walks to the front of the bus, looks at the number, and goes back to his seat. Another bus comes. Again the dog goes and looks at the number, notices it’s the right bus, and climbs on. The butcher, by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus.
The bus travels thru town and out to the suburbs. Eventually the dog gets up, moves to the front of the bus, and standing on his hind legs, pushes the button to stop the bus. The dog gets off, groceries still in his mouth, and the butcher still following.
They walk down the road, and the dog approaches a house. He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door. He goes back down the path, takes another run, and throws
himself -whap!- against the door again! There’s no answer at the door, so the dog goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden. He gets to a window, and bangs his head against it several times. He walks back, jumps off the wall, and waits at the door. The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts laying into the dog, really yelling at him.
The butcher runs up and stops the guy. “What the heck are you doing? This dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for God’s sake!” To which the guy responds, “Clever, my eye. This is the second time this week he’s forgotten his key!”
The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said “Who owns the big white horse outside?” The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gunbelt, and said, “I do… Why?”
The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, “I just thought you’d like to know that your horse is about dead outside!” The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion.
The Lone Ranger got the horse water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better. The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, “Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better.”
Tonto said, “Sure, Kemosabe” and took off running circles around Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink.
A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, “Who owns that big white horse outside?” The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, “I do, what’s wrong with him this time?”
The cowboy looks him in the eye and says, “Nothing, but you left your Injun runnin’.”
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