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Drinking

Caught by Cuckoo Clock

Jun 5, 2021

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Just after I got married, I was invited out for a night with “the boys.” I told the misses that I would be home by midnight … promise!

Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down way too easy, at around 3 A.M. drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up, and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly I realised she’d probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself, having a quick witty solution, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict.

Next morning the wife asked me what time I got in and I told her 12 o’clock. She didn’t seem disturbed at all. Whew!

Got away with that one! She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked her why, she said “Well, it cuckooed 3 times, said ‘oh fuck,’ cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it’s throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more and then farted.

Dating vs Marriage

Jun 5, 2021

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When you are dating….. Farting is never an issue
When you are married ….You make sure there’s nothing flammable near your husband…… at all time

When you are dating….. He takes you out to have a good time
When you are married ….He brings home a 6 pack, and ask “What are you going to drink?”

When you are dating….. He holds your hand in public
When you are married ….He flicks your ear in public

When you are dating….. A Single bed for 2 isn’t THAT bad
When you are married ….A King size bed feels like an army cot

When you are dating….. You are turned on at the sight of him naked
When you are married ….You think to yourself….”Was he ALWAYS this hairy????”

When you are dating….. You enjoyed foreplay
When you are married ….You tell him “If we have sex, will you leave me alone???”

When you are dating….. He hugs you, when he walks by you …for no reason
When you are married ….He grabs your boob any chance he gets

When you are dating….. You picture the two of you together, growing old together
When you are married ….You wonder who will die first

When you are dating….. Just looking at him makes you feel all “mushy”
When you are married ….When you look at him, you want to claw his eyes out.

When you are dating….. He knows what the “hamper” is
When you are married ….The floor will suffice as a dirty clothes storage area

When you are dating….. He understands if you “aren’t in the mood”
When you are married ….He says “It’s your job.”

When you are dating….. He understands that you have “male” friends
When you are married ….He thinks they are all out to steal you away

When you are dating….. He likes to “discuss” things
When you are married ….He develops a “blank” stare

When you are dating….. He calls you by name
When you are married ….He calls you “Hey” and refers to you when speaking to others as “She.

12 Year Old Bottle of Scotch

Jun 5, 2021

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12 Year Old Bottle of Scotch Jokes Times

A man walks into a bar and orders a 12-year-old scotch.

The bartender, believing that the customer will not be able to tell the difference, pours him a shot of the cheap 3-year-old house scotch that has been poured into an empty bottle of the good stuff.

The man takes a sip and spits the scotch out on the bar and reams the bartender. “This is the cheapest 3-year-old scotch you can buy. I’m not paying for it. Now, give me a good 12-year-old scotch.”

The bartender, now feeling a bit of a challenge, pours him a scotch of much better quality, 6-year-old scotch. The man takes a sip and spit sit out on the bar. “This is only 6-year-old scotch. I won’t pay for this, and I insist on a good,12-year-old scotch.The bartender finally relents and serves the man his best quality, 12-year-old scotch. The man sips the drink and says, “Now that’s more like it.”

An old drunk from the end of the bar, who has witnessed the entire episode, walks down to the finicky scotch drinker and sets a glass down in front of him and asks, “What do you think of this?” The scotch expert takes a sip, and in disgust, violently spits out the liquid yelling “THIS TASTES LIKE PISS.”

To which the old drunk replies, “That’s right, now guess how old I am.”

Four Life-long Friends

Jun 5, 2021

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Four life-long friends, a doctor, lawyer, professor and a businessman, belonging to the same exclusive club had made a pact. When anyone of them dies, they agreed the others will lay $5,000 each inside his coffin so he’ll have some spending money in the after life.

Well, one day the professor passes away. At his funeral, the three friends took turns going up to his coffin and paying their last respects.

The doctor was first, laying 50 $100 bills inside the casket. Next was the businessman, tearfully placing his $5,000 cash next to the deceased friend.

Then the lawyer approached the coffin, wrote out a cheque for $15,000, laid it in the casket and picked up the $10,000 in cash!

Chauvinist Statements

Jun 5, 2021

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Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can’t even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman’s about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with “A man once told me…”

How do you fix a woman’s watch?
You don’t, there’s a clock on the oven!

Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women won’t shut up long enough to build up pressure.

Why were shopping carts invented?
To teach women to walk on their hind legs.

Women are like guns, keep one around long enough and you’re going to want to shoot it.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog of course…at least he’ll shut up after you let him in.

All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart.

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

What’s worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman that won’t do what she’s told.

How many women does it take to paint a wall?
It depends on how hard you throw them.

What do you call a woman with two brain cells?
Pregnant.

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was
Always.

I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months – I don’t like to interrupt her.

What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
Divorced.

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy is the same.