A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. He sips it and sets it down. A monkey swings across the bar and pisses in the pint.
The man asks the barman who owns the monkey. The barman replies, “The piano player”. The man walks over to the piano player and says “Do you know your monkey pissed in my beer?”
The pianist replies, “No, but if you hum it I’ll play it.”
A guy walked into a bar and noticed a beautiful blonde sitting at the bar. He walked up to her and said “Can I buy you a drink?”
She replied “Yes you may, but you won’t get to first base with me.” “And why not?” replied the guy.
“Because I’m a lesbian.” she replied.
“Oh, so you’re from Lebanon.”
“You don’t know what a lesbian is, do you?”
“No, I can’t say I do.” replied the guy.
“Let me try to explain.” said the blonde.
“You see that girl at the end of the bar? Well, I would like to make passionate love to her, and kiss her all over all night long.”
She looked aside and saw the guy with his head down sobbing uncontrollably.
“What’s the matter with you?!”
The guy slowly looked up at her and said “My GOD…I think I’m a lesbian, too!”
1. I wish you were a door so I could bang you all day long.
2. (Lick finger and wipe on her shirt) Let’s get you out of these wet clothes.
3. Nice legs…what time do they open?
4. Do you work for UPS? I thought I saw you checking out my package
5. You’ve got 206 bones in your body, want one more?
6. Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
7. I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I’m the only one talking to you.
8. I’m a bird watcher and I’m looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher, have you seen one?
9. I’m fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight.
10. Wanna play army? I’ll lay down and you can blow the hell outta me.
11. I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Walmart, so I could ride you all day long for a quarter.
12. Oh, I’m sorry, I thought that was a braille name tag.
13. I’d really like to see how you look when I’m naked.
14. Is that a ladder in your stockings or the stairway the heaven?
15. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
16. Are those real?
17. You must be the limp doctor because I’ve got a stiffy.
18. You can feel the magic between us…No, lower!
19. I’d walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue.
20. Girl, if you were a porch I’d take out all the nails and screw ya.
21. If it’s true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning.
22. (Look down at your crotch) It’s not just going to suck itself.
23. You know, if I were you, I’d have sex with me.
24. You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any questions?
26. Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor.
27. My name is (name)…remember that, you’ll be screaming it later.
28. Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?
29. Hi, I’m Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.
30. My friend wants to know if YOU think I’M cute.
31. Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.
32. My name isn’t Elmo, but you can tickle me anytime you want to.
33. I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been drinking?
34. If you were the last woman and I was the last man on earth, I bet we could do it in public.
35. Wanna come over for some pizza and sex? No? What you don’t like pizza?
36. I may not be Dairy Queen but I’ll treat you right.
37. Baby, I’m an American Express lover…you shouldn’t go home without me.
38. Do you sleep on your stomach at night? Can I???
39. Do you wash your pants in Windex because I can see myself in them.
40. I lost my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.
41. Let me check the tag on your shirt, I want to see if it says “Made in Heaven”
A DOCTOR at an asylum decided to take his inmates to a baseball game.
For weeks in advance, he coached his nutty patients to respond to his commands.
When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well. As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled: “Up nuts!” And the inmates complied by standing up.
After the anthem he yelled: “Down Nuts!” And they all sat. After a home run he yelled: “Cheer nuts!” And they all broke into applause and cheers.
Thinking things were going very well, he decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned there was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, he asked what happened.
The assistant replied: “Well…everything was fine until some vendor walked by and yelled, `PEANUTS!’.”
George and Harriet decided to celebrate their 25th Wedding Anniversary with a trip to Las Vegas. When they entered the hotel-casino and registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt became very friendly. George brushed her off.
Harriet objected, “George, that young woman was nice, and you were so rude.”
“Harriet, she’s a prostitute.”
“I don’t believe you. That sweet young thing?”
“Let’s go up to our room and I’ll prove it.”
In their room, George called down to the desk and asked for ‘Bambi’ to come to room 1217. “Now,” he said, “you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough to hear us, OK?”
Soon, there was a knock on the door. George opened it and Bambi walked in, swirling her hips provocatively.
George asked, “How much do you charge?”
“$125 basic rate, $100 tips for special services.”
Even George was taken aback. “$125! I was thinking more in the range of $25.”
Bambi laughed derisively. “You must really be a hick if you think you can buy sex for that price.”
“Well,” said George, “I guess we can’t do business. Goodbye.”
After she left, Harriet came out of the bathroom. She said, “I just can’t believe it!”
George said, “Let’s forget it. We’ll go have a drink, then eat dinner.”
At the bar, as they sipped their cocktails, Bambi came up behind George, pointed slyly at Harriet, and said, “See what you get for $25?”
Joe is having a drink in his local bar when in walks this gorgeous woman. Joe, not being too shy, goes up and sits next to her. He buys her a drink and then another and then another. After this and the accompanying small-talk, Joe asks her back to his place for a “good time.”
“Look,” says the woman, “what do you think I am? I don’t turn into a slut after 3 drinks, you know!”
“OK,” replies Joe, “so how many does it take?”
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