One evening, Frank was drinking at a bar when the bartender came over to tell Frank that he had a telephone call.
Frank had just bought another beer and he didn’t want anyone else to drink it.
So, Fred wrote a little sign and left it by his beer that read: “I spit in my beer.”
When Fred returned to his bar stool, there was another note beside his beer: “I spit in your beer, too!”
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
“Why, of course,” comes the reply.
The first man then asks,”Where are you from?”
“I’m from Ireland,” replies the second man.
The first man responds: “You don’t say, I’m from Ireland too! Let’s have another round to Ireland.”
“Of course,” says the second.
Curious the first asks: “Where in Ireland?”
“Dublin,” comes the reply.
“I can’t believe it, Me too! Lets have another round of drinks to Dublin.”
“Of course”
The second man can’t help himself so he asks,”What school did you go too?”
“Saint Mary’s”, replies the first man. “I graduated in ’62”
“This is becoming unbelievable!!!” They say in union.
About that time, in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. “What’s up?” he asks the bartender.
“Nothing much,” replied the bartender. “The O’Malley twins are drunk again.”
John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.
“You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!”
Now John gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive. “How do you know this, Sister?”
“My Mother Superior told me so.”
“But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?”
“Don’t be ridiculous–of course I have never taken alcohol myself”
“Then let me buy you a drink – if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life”
“How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!”
“I’ll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will ever know.
“The Nun reluctantly agrees, so John goes inside to the bar. “Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks”, then he lowers his voice and says to the barman “and could you put the vodka in a teacup?”
“Oh no! It’s not that Nun again is it?”
Because I’m a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road service until long after hypothermia has set in.
Because I’m a man, when the car isn’t running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I’m looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, “I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn’t know where to start.” We will then drink beer.
Because I’m a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn’t a problem.
Because I’m a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
Because I’m a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator).
Because I’m a man, I don’t think we’re all that lost, and no, I don’t think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger? I mean, how the hell could he know where we’re going anyway?
Because I’m a man, there is no need to ask me what I’m thinking about. The answer is always either sex or sports. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don’t bother to ask me
Because I’m a man, you don’t have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you cried at the end of it, I didn’t.
Because I’m a man, I think what you’re wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it — looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
Because I’m a man, and this is, after all, the year 2001, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the gardening, the cleaning, the vacuuming, the shopping and the dishes, and I’ll do the rest.
A string walks into a bar and ask the waiter for a beer.
The waiter says, “I am sorry but we can’t serve strings here.
“The string goes home, ties himself in a knot, and messes up his hair.
He goes back to the bar about an hour later, sits down and says, “Waiter, give me a beer.”
The waiter says, “Hey aren’t you the string who came in here earlier. “The string replies, “No, I’m a fraid knot.”
A man walked into a bar and ordered a glass of white wine. He took a sip of the wine, then tossed the remainder into the bartender’s face. Before the bartender could recover from the surprise, the man began weeping.
“I’m sorry,” he said. “I’m really sorry. I keep doing that to bartenders. I can’t tell you how embarrassing it is to have a compulsion like this.”
Far from being angry, the bartender was sympathetic. Before long, he was suggesting that the man see an analyst about his problem.
“I happen to have the name of a Psychoanalyst,” the bartender said. “My brother and my wife have both been treated by him, and they say he’s as good as they get.”
The man wrote down the name of the Doctor, thanked the bartender, and left. The bartender smiled, knowing he’d done a good deed for a fellow human being.
Six months later, the man was back. “Did you do what I suggested?” the bartender asked, serving the glass of white wine.
“I certainly did,” the man said. “I’ve been seeing the Psychoanalyst twice a week.” He took a sip of the wine. Then he threw the remainder into the bartender’s face.
The flustered bartender wiped his face with a towel. “The Doctor doesn’t seem to be doing you any good.” He sputtered.
“On the contrary,” the man claimed, “he’s done me world of good.”
“But you threw the wine in my face again!” The bartender exclaimed.
“Yes,” the man replied. “But it doesn’t embarrass me anymore.”
Prev
