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Dog

Dogs vs. Men

Jun 5, 2021

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1. How dogs and men are the same

Both take up too much space on the bed
Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning
Both are threatened by their own kind
Both mark their territory
Both are bad at asking you questions
Neither tells you what is bothering them
The smaller ones tend to be more nervous
Both have an inordinate fascination with women’s crotches
Neither does any dishes
Both fart shamelessly
Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut
Both like dominance games
Both are suspicious of the postman
Neither knows how to talk on the telephone
Neither understands what you see in cats

2. How dogs are better than men

Dogs do not have a problem expressing affection in public
Dogs miss you when you are gone
Dogs feel guilt when they have done something wrong
Dogs do not criticise your friends
Dogs admit when they are jealous
Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out
Dogs do not play games with you except fetch (and they NEVER laugh at
the way you throw)
Dogs do not feel threatened by your intelligence
You can train a dog
Dogs are easy to buy for
You are never suspicious of your dogs dreams
The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. OK, the WORST
disease is rabies, but there is a vaccine for it, and you get to kill
the one that gives it to you
Dogs understand what NO means
Dogs understand when some of their friends can not come inside
Middle-aged dogs do not feel the need to abandon you for a younger
owner
Dogs admit it when they are lost
Dogs are colour blind
Dogs are not threatened if you earn more than they do
Dogs mean it when they kiss you

Two Men Dragging Foot

Jun 5, 2021

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Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk. As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points to his foot and says, “Vietnam, 1969.”

The other points his thumb behind him and says, “Dog crap, 20 feet back.”

Blind Dog on a Plane

Jun 5, 2021

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John was flying from San Francisco to Los Angeles. By the time the plane took off, there had been a 45-minute delay and everybody on board was ticked.

Unexpectedly, they stopped in Sacramento on the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be another 45-minute delay, and if they wanted to get off the aircraft, they would re-board in thirty minutes.

Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. John noticed him as he walked by and could tell he had flown before because his seeing eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight.

John could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him and, calling him by name, said, “Keith, we’re in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?”

Keith replied, “No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs. Would you take him for me please?”

Now picture this. All the people in the gate area came to a completely quiet standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a seeing eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses that day. People scattered not only trying to change planes but also trying to change airlines!

No Pets Allowed

Jun 5, 2021

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There’s a guy with a Doberman Pinscher and a guy with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to the guy with a Chihuahua, “Let’s go over to that restaurant and get something to eat.” The guy with the Chihuahua says, “We can’t go in there. We’ve got dogs with us and pets are not allowed in there.” The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, “Just follow my lead.”

They walked over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk. A guy at the door says, “Sorry sir, no pets allowed.” The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, “You don’t understand, this is my seeing-eye dog.” The guy at the door says, “A Doberman Pinscher?” The guy with the Doberman Pinshcer says, “Yes, they’re using them now, they’re very good.” The guy at the door says, “Come on in.”

The guy with the Chihuahua also puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk to the door. The guy at the door says, “Sorry sir, no pets allowed.” The guy with the Chihuahua says, “You don’t understand, this is my seeing-eye dog.” The guy at the door says, “A Chihuahua?” The guy with the Chihuahua replies, “You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?”

Baby Planes

Jun 5, 2021

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A mother and her young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son turned from the window to his mother and asked, “If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?”

The mother said, “Well, maybe that’s something you could ask the stewardess.”

So the boy asked the stewardess, “If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?”

The stewardess responded, “Did your mother tell you to ask me?”

The boy admitted that this was the case. “Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. You can ask your mother to explain it to you.”

Musical Octopus

Jun 5, 2021

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A man goes into a bar with his pet octopus and says “I’ll bet $50 that no one here has a musical instrument that this octopus CAN’T play’

The people in the bar look around, and someone fetches out an old guitar. The octopus has a look, picks it up, tunes the string, and starts playing the guitar. The octopus’ owner pockets the $50.

Next, a guy comes up with a trumpet. The octopus takes the horn, loosens up the keys, licks it’s lips and starts playing a jazz solo. The guy pockets yet another $50.

The bar owner has been watching all of this and disappears to the back. He comes back a few moments later with a set of bagpipes under his arm.

He puts them on the bar and says to the guy and his octopus, “Now, if your octopus can play THAT, I’ll give you $100.”

The octopus takes a long hard look at the bagpipes, lifts it up, turns it over, has yet another look from a different angle. Puzzled, the octopus’ owner comes over and says “What are you waiting for? Hurry up and play that damn thing!”

The octopus says, “Play it? Hell if I can work out how to get it’s pajamas off, I’m gonna screw it!!”