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Dog

Blind Man Parachuting

Jun 4, 2021

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A blind man was describing his favourite sport, parachuting.

When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: “I am placed in the door with my seeing eye dog and told when to jump.

My hand is placed on my release ring for me and out I go with the dog.”

“But how do you know when you are going to land?” he was asked. “I have a very keen sense of smell, and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground” he answered.

“But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?” he was again asked. He quickly answered: “Oh, the dog’s leash goes slack.”

Things You Don’t Want to Hear During Surgery

Jun 4, 2021

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Things you don’t want to hear during surgery:

Better save that. We’ll need it for the autopsy.
Someone call the janitor – we’re going to need a mop!
“Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness”
Bo Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!
Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what’s that?
Hand me that…uh…that uh…thingie.
Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
Darn, there go the lights again….
“Ya know, there’s big money in kidneys. Heck, the guy’s got two of ’em.”
Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
Could you stop that thing from beating? It’s throwing off my concentration.
What’s this doing here?
I hate it when they’re missing stuff in here….
That’s cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!
I wish I hadn’t forgotten my glasses.
Well, folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
Sterile, shcmerile. The floor’s clean, right?
What do you mean, he wasn’t in for a sex change……!!!
Anyone see where I left that scalpel?
And now we remove the subject’s brain and place it in the body of the ape.
Ok. Now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
This patient has already had some kids, right?
Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
Don’t worry. I think this is sharp enough.
She’s gonna blow! Everybody take cover!!!
FIRE! FIRE! Everybody get out NOW!
Darn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!

What You Did Today?

Jun 4, 2021

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One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house.

His three children were outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard. The door of his wife’s car was open, as was the front door to the house.

Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she may be ill, or that something serious had happened.

He found her lounging in the bedroom, still curled in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.

He looked at her bewildered and asked, “What happened here today?”

She again smiled and answered, “You know every day when you come home from work and ask me what in the world I did today?”

“Yes” was his incredulous reply.

She answered, “Well, today I didn’t do it.”

What Breed is that?

Jun 4, 2021

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A guy walks into a bar with his dog on a leash.

The barman says, “Geez that’s a weird dog, he’s stumpy-legged, pink, and doesn’t have a tail. I bet my rottweiler would beat the heck out of it.”

50 bucks is laid down. Out in the yard the rottweiler gets mauled to pieces.

Another drinker says his pit bull will win but the bet is 100 bucks. Another trip to the yard and when it’s all over there are bits of pit-bull terrier all over the place.

The drinker pays up and says, “Say what breed is that anyway?”

The owner says, “Until I cut his tail off and painted it pink it was the same breed as every other alligator.”

Why Men Prefer Dogs Over Women

Jun 4, 2021

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Why Men Prefer Dogs Over Women Jokes Times

Dogs love it when your friends come over.

Dogs don’t care if you use their shampoo.

Dogs think you sing great.

Dogs don’t cry.

A dog’s time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.

Dogs don’t expect you to call when you are running late.

The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you.

Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.

Dogs don’t notice if you call them by another dog’s name.

Dogs are excited by rough play.

Dogs don’t mind if you give their offspring away.

Dogs love red meat.

Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair.

Anyone can get a good-looking dog.

If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don’t hate it.

Dogs don’t shop.

Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.

A dog’s disposition stays the same all month long.

Dogs never need to examine the relationship.

A dog’s parents never visit.

Dogs love long car trips.

Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.

Dogs understand that all animals smaller than dogs were made to be hunted.

Dogs like beer.

Dogs don’t hate their bodies.

No dog ever bought a Kenny G or Hootie & the Blowfish album.

No dog ever put on 100 pounds after reaching adulthood.

Dogs never criticize.

Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

Dogs never expect gifts.

It’s legal to keep a dog chained up at your house.

Dogs don’t want to know about every other dog you ever had.

Dogs like to do their snooping outside, as opposed to in your wallet, desk, and the back of your sock drawer.

Dogs don’t let magazine articles guide their lives.

Dogs would rather have you buy them a hamburger dinner than a lobster one.

You never have to wait for a dog. They’re ready to go 24 hours a day.

Dogs have no use for flowers, cards, or jewelry.

Dogs don’t borrow your shirts.

Dogs never want foot-rubs.

Dogs can’t talk.

Dogs find you amusing when you’re drunk.

Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public.

Bilingual Job

Jun 4, 2021

1 185

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: “HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer.”

A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.

Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said, “I can’t hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type.”

The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, “The sign says you have to be good with a computer.”

The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program, that worked flawlessly the first time. By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said, “I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can’t give you the job.”

The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said, “Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual”. The dog looked at the manager calmly and said “Meow”.