I ran into Jim at work yesterday. He had been out for a few days with the flu. I asked him how he was feeling.
“I’m better, thanks. You know, it was a wonderful experience.” he replied.
“Wonderful? How can the flu be wonderful?” I asked in stunned disbelief.
“Well, I learned that my wife really loves me. You know that whenever the mailman came by or a delivery man headed toward the door, my wife ran out to meet them? I could hear her excitedly saying ‘My husband is home! My husband is home!”
A man goes to his doctor, seat just infront of the doctor and says, “I think my wife’s hearing is failing and not as good as it used to be, what should I do?” The doctor replies, “Try this test to find out for sure. When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a questions, if she doesn’t respond, keep moving closer asking the same question until she hears you.”
The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner. He stand about fifteen feet behind her and says, “What’s for dinner, honey?” He gets no response, so he moves to ten feet behind her and asks again. Still no response, so he moves to five feet, still no answer.
Finally he stands directly behind her and says, “Honey, what’s for dinner?” His wife replies, “For the fourth time, I SAID CHICKEN, you deaf idiot!”
During a patient’s two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, the patient inform his doctor that he was having trouble with one of his medications.
“Which one?” the doctor asked.
“The patch”, the patient answered. “The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I’m running out of places to put it!”
The doctor had him quickly undress and discovered the man had over fifty patches on his body!
Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
A doctor was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test.
He placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, “Cover your right eye with your hand.” The patient read the 20/20 line perfectly.
“Now your left.” Again, a flawless read.
“Now both,” The doctor requested. There was silence. The patient couldn’t even read the large E on the top line.
The doctor turned and discovered that he had done exactly covered both eyes.
An elderly and slightly deaf female patient went to see a doctor.
The doctor placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient’s anterior chest wall.
“Big breaths,” The doctor instructed.
“Yes, they used to be big,” remorsefully replied the patient.
A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out pooped a genie. The genie said, “OK, You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I’m getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three… You only get one wish!”
The man sat, and thought about it for a while and said, “I’ve always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I’m scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?”
The genie laughed and said, “That’s impossible!!! Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete – how much steel!! No, think of another wish.”
The man said “OK, I will try to think of a really good wish.” Finally he said, “I’ve been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don’t care and that I’m insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women, know what they feel inside and what they’re thinking when they give me the silent treatment, know why they’re crying, know what they really want when they say ‘nothing’, know how to make them truly happy.”
The genie said, “Do you want that bridge to be two lanes or four?”
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