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Doctor

Migraine Headaches

Jun 4, 2021

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A man went to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches.

When the doctor did his history and physical, he discovered that the poor guy has tried practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement.

“Listen,” said the Doc, “I have migraines, too and the advice I’m going to give you isn’t really anything I learned in medical school, but it’s something that I’ve learned from my own experience.

When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little.

Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex with her. Almost always, the headache is immediately gone.

Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks.”

Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin, “Doc! I took your advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I’ve had migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!”

“Well,” said the physician, “I’m glad I could help.”

“By the way, Doc,” the patient added, “You have a REALLY nice house.”

I Guess It Works

Jun 4, 2021

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A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring.

The older doctor suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to a new doctor.

At the first house a woman complained, “I’ve been a little sick to my stomach.”

The older doctor said, “Well, you’ve probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why don’t you cut back on the amount you’ve been eating and see if that does the trick?”

As they left the younger man said, “You didn’t even examine that woman. How’d you come to your diagnosis so quickly?”

“I didn’t have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what was probably making her sick.”

“Hmmm,” the younger doctor said, “Pretty clever. I think I’ll try that at the next house.”

Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She complained that she just didn’t have the energy she once did.

“I’m feeling terribly run down lately.”

“You’ve probably been doing too much extra work for the church,” the younger doctor told her. “Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps.”

As they left, the elder doc said, Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?

“Well, just like you did at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope and when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed.”

Swallowed a Mouse

Jun 4, 2021

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A man swallowed a mouse while sleeping on the couch one day. His wife quickly called the doctor and said, “Doctor, please come quickly. My Husband just swallowed a mouse and he’s gagging and thrashing about.”

“I’ll be right over,” the doctor said, “In the meanwhile, keep waving a piece of cheese over his mouth to try to attract the mouse up and out of there.”

When the doctor arrived, he saw the wife waving a piece of smoked herring over her husband’s mouth.

“Uhh, I told you to use cheese, not herring, to lure the mouse.”

“I know, doc,” she replied, “but first I’ve to get the darn cat out of him!”

Phobia

Jun 4, 2021

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A man went to a psychiatrist for his phobia.

“Doc,” he said, “I’ve got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there’s somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there’s somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. You gotta help me, I’m going crazy!”

“Just put yourself in my hands for two years,” said the shrink, “Come to me three times a week, and I’ll cure your fears.”

“How much do you charge?”

“A hundred dollars per visit.”

“I’ll sleep on it,” said the man.

Six months later the doctor met the man on the street. “Why didn’t you ever come to see me again?” asked the psychiatrist.

“For a hundred buck’s a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars.”

“Is that so! How?”

“He told me to cut the legs off the bed!”

Relaxed

Jun 4, 2021

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Mrs. Ogden went to her doctor and said “Please give me a prescription for the Pill.”

“I don’t think you need the Pill at your age.”

“It relaxes me.”

“But you know the ‘purpose’ of the Pill. It’s not for relaxing,” exclaimed the physician.

“I know,” said Mrs Ogden, “but my daughter dates, and every morning I drop one in her orange juice. Believe me, I feel more relaxed.

My Daughter is a Good Girl

Jun 4, 2021

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A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of the daughter’s swollen abdomen.

It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say, “Gimme a break, lady! Your daughter is pregnant!”

The mother turn red with fury, and she argued with the doctor that *her* daughter was a good girl, and would *never* compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy.

The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon.

The mother became enraged and screamed, “Quit looking out the window! Aren’t you paying attention to me?”

“Yes, of course I am paying attention, ma’am. It’s just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the east, and three wise men came.

I was hoping they’d show up again, and help me figure out who got your daughter pregnant!”